Hi - It is not inherently good or bad. It depends on whether the counselor is pro-marriage. It depends on whether H will participate or clam up. It depends on whether he's open to counseling or going just to 'check the box' that he tried it. Mine agreed to go to counseling but after a few sessions he said it seemed pointless to him, and that it wasn't going to change his mind. I've been going ever since, just for my own benefit.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I know that he doesn't think it will help him, and he has refused to go in the past. However, I think the fact that he has changed his mind and has decided to go means that he possibly will be willing to work on this with me. Maybe he is realizing that I am acting calmer. I'm not initiating conversations about the relationship. I'm not pressuring him and I'm agreeing with him.
You're mindreading and it's getting your expectations up. Counseling helps people who want help and are willing to look deep to participate.
He will most likely go to show that he did everything he could but it just didn't work (so he can check the box). Being there may feel like a lot of pressure to change his mind and he may dig in his heels and resist it, and emphasize how much he doesn't want to be with you.
I don't want to make you feel bad, and I hope he goes in with more of an open mind and heart. It's a good opportunity for you to listen and validate what he's feeling. Just keep your hopes in the background.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
this is your clue that he is not going willingly and that he will have some resentment about going.
my opinion is that you should go to IC and not mention MC to him. you seem to be looking for a quick fix with MC. i know you feel you have a time period here to get things fixed but these things don't always get resolved on our schedules.
try to stop obsessing and just work on you and not him. get involved in things that don't have to do with your relationship: classes, yoga, concerts, friends, etc. it will help you take your focus off him and put it on you, where it belongs.
give it a try.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Well, I told him that it was up to him and that he could decide if he wanted to go, and he texted me out of the blue to tell me he'd come.
I know I want a quick fix, but I know it won't be a quick fix. I just want to give it a try and see what happens.
I am going to give the "working on me" think a try, for sure. I can already think of things that I want to do when I get back. Like, on Monday, he will be at work, so I think that I will go to the library in the afternoon so that he will get home and I won't be there. Does that seem like a good idea? And then when I come in, I'll smile at him and say hello and act cheerfully, as it will be the first time we're seeing each other in a week.
Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to talk to him?
What changes to you want to see in yourself? Make a list and start working on them.
What things a have you wanted to do? Make a list and start from there.
Scaredsilly and Adinva have given you some very good advice.
I would suggest that you be around him as little as possible. You aren't in a strong enough mindset at this point. My fear is that you will try to change his mind, plead, etc. (Hey, we've all been there)
Live your life, let him live his.
Are you actually moving to a different place?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
