New to DB

[bustingout]

Journaling--

I feel like I am starting to understand more about living as if....


I have to say it has been ' easier' because he has not been here since the final bomb and inhale not had much interaction with him nor do I have to fear seeing him or her.

But that's temporary. Because one day he will come back, and she will too. With him. And mynlife will be faced with that reality in a real sense.

Me and the kids are going on summer holiday in a few days. We are going to a couple of different places. The first leg is where H is coming to 'see the kids' after an almost three month absence now.

I have been in NC and he has initiated all texts/ calls I started ( either about kids or summer plans) . He is vERY formal with me because of it.

Today my daughter said she wants a new house (!!) she was saying it because we were at a friend's new house to swim and it was all fresh and large and lovely.

But when she said thought to myself 'me too' ! But only because we moved in to this house ( our 'dream house ' that we built) and it just reminds me of everything that is NOT about our lives. H left us before it was completely finished. Just like our M. There is a lot of work that still needs to be done on it before it can be a home.

And as I walk through the house I think..ohhh. Maybe a fresh start is better, where every single tile doesn't remind me of the discussions me and H had about this place when we were planning it. It's so indicidive of where we are right now.

I am not sure if my goals are realistic.

I still have fear about letting go completely. Of letting go of the dream. It feels like giving up on everything I was hoping for in my life.

Anyway, not much new to report. Had a lovely day with the kids. They had their friends sleep over last night and this morning we went out for brunch and then we went and swam at my friend's house then the kids' friends came back here for another sleepover ( summer time!!). My two girl friends ended up passing by for a few drinks and a fun chat.

It was lovely. I am happy. Thank God.

And H does not matter rght now. Wen I see him in a few days I will treat him as a friend that misses is kids, and remember he is suffering too and put on my kind eyes contacts.

And remember this is his journey, I have my own right now. And I am grateful that I have this time to work on myself.