NRTS (Not Repairable at This Station) 2

[iluvme55]

Amen to that Trusting
Wendy is amazing....she has to deal with this with her stbx still in the home......that takes lots of strength, courage , and faith in God.
May the Lord give her all the comfort,and strength she will need while this marriage is over.
God Bless you Wendy...you are awesome!

[WenikiTiki]

Thanks Trusting and Ilikemenow!

STBXH and I ended up taking our granddaughters up 4 wheeling to another favorite beach. And he acts like nothing has changed, he picks up shells and hands them to me. I treated yesterday like a good-bye to us as a couple. When I take my long walks now I am envisioning me walking away from him. it is helping. I will always love him. He is the father of my children.

I do see that he has a good man inside him. But he is confused and hurt. He has to figure this all out on his own. I am just doing my best to stand clear!

I want to share with you another analogy that was life changing for me, years ago when I struggled with anger and children. I was raised by an angry mom. Bad role model. I went to therapy for years, I didn't know what I wanted to be, but knew in my heart I didn't want to be like my mom.

Then one day I was walking my dog. It was a big strong husky, I was weighing not much in those days. My husky saw a rabbit and bolted after it. I flew through the air for awhile and watched the ground coming. I was so mad at that dog. And was going to spank him. (If I could have caught him)

And then as I stomped home to bandage up my knees and hand and the silly husky was still running big loops around me happy he had gotten to chase a rabbit I realized I shouldn't be mad at the dog, he was just doing what dogs do.

And then seconds later I realized with crystal clarity all my anger was stupid. My children were just doing what children do. And now our spouses are just doing what they are compelled to do. People who are mean or rotten to us are not really in control of themselves. We certainly can't make then be nice.

So this has been a driving force with me since 1993. And my oldest son, who was 9 around this time, recalls that I changed a lot. I describe this as my flipping a light switch in my life.

I am packing up way more than I thought I would. I am packing like I'm moving in a few weeks. I realized the house will sell quicker the emptier it is. And to keep dragging this out is just too much stress.

Aloha Friends,

Wendy

[iluvme55]

Oh how my heart goes out to you.......I know that sadness of when you realize it is the end of a long marriage and what we thought was a good marriage...feels like your heart is being ripped out by someone YOU KNOW loved you as much as you loved them and still love.
How sad they may never see what they have done...unlike us we have changed because since we were thrown into this mightmare we can look back and reflect on some things that we could of changed...no marriage is perfect we are not perfect but it does not justify the affairs that they decided to have.
If we could only go back in time and change US both of us we might now be here now.....
God knows I failed my husband in many ways but he did as well....all we can do now is pray for forgiveness....for comfort...and for peace without God in my life I dont know how I would of made it this far
I pray in the next chapter of your life Wendy you to look to him as well.....he is an awesome God....Irma

[WenikiTiki]

You all know how it goes....

Faith, Hope and Love. And the greatest of these is love.

I took a 4 and a quarter mile walk/stomp last night. Made me feel better. The cat wanted to talk. I told him I didn't want to talk. He started another conversation. I answered the questions he asked me, but avoided getting in a long discussion. He needs to figure this stuff out on his own. So I took myself out the door. And when I came home I tucked myself into the Woman Cave. The cat was tired and went to bed at 8:30. Thinking is hard work.

[BeingMe]

I have a husky that loves to chase rabbits (which we have a lot of on this island). But, she's 16 yo, and I imagine not going to be around too much longer. Although, healthy except for some arthritis.

Amazing ... I was also an "angry mom", but I changed that a couple of years before my H's betrayal. It's so nice to not have that constant knot of anger in your stomach, 'eh?!

What would you do if the cat asked for a reconciliation?

[WenikiTiki]

I don't think the cat has it in him to ask. I think he is still lost and confused. I was talking with him just now, about some wording on the divorce papers. He seemed pretty set in moving forward with it.

If he asked I would have to really think about it. I love him so much. But one-sided love is hard. And I am just tired of all this stuff. I need a normal life, not a stressed one!

I repaired to my Woman Cave, because any further talking will be bad. I already took my long walk this evening. I am doing everything I can to be dim. I am still hurting so bad from this I find it hard to believe. I wish it would just stop hurting.

Dropping the rope is so darn hard. I guess everytime I see myself clutching is is a step in the right direction.

My oldest son actually told me a few years ago what a great mom I am and he remembers my light-switch year. Funny.

[beatrice]

I read what you wrote about love - and I agree. I do feel however that when anyone accepts and reciprocates the love of another person it entails certain moral responsibilities to that person in how we treat them and go on treating them. [in an adult relationship, I am not talking about our children here, which is something else]

The modern idea is that no-one 'should' stay in a relationship which no longer meets their needs. And of course we do not want someone in our lives who doesn't want to be there. BUT and it is a big but, for a long time they accepted and gave back the love we gave them.

We cannot stop loving - it isn't a tap that we can switch on and off, is is like a flow of water or an electrical current that keeps flowing.

What our spouses feel for the new person may or may not be love, only they can know that, but it doesn't give them any right at all to treat us with disrespect, and to fail to give us what is our due as their life partner of long standing. We would expect better treatment from our business partner if we decided to go separate ways.

The pathetic whine from the WAS that they are seeking happiness cuts no ice at all with me any more. Maybe they are, but grown ups still need to behave like grown ups and deal nicely with those they are dumping!!

[WenikiTiki]

It is funny Beatrice, when STBXH and I talked, one of the things he said to me is that he is being civil to me because he feels like that is how he should be. So there is a strong possibility that he is just truely done. I am the one who needs to figure out how to move along.

I think I am just mis-reading him entirely. He told me plainly last night that he isn't changing his mind on the divorce. I am the one dealing with the divorce, writing it all down, talking to a lawyer and he just wants to sign it.

When he wants to talk to me it is because he has narrowed his world down to that of himself and OW. So when she cuts off communication with him, he has only me to talk to. And he turns to me and I think it is because I am his wife of over 30 years. But in reality he is turning to me because HE HAS NO ONE ELSE. He doesn't care about me, only about meeting his own needs.

So I am confused. So very confused. And aside from having shelter and food and a car I get nothing from him. NOTHING.

I am trying to move on. I signed up on a few dating sites about 2 weeks ago. I have met 3 people for coffee/tea. The first was either way older than he said, or seriously rode hard and put up wet. (Posted photos that were old......) The second appeared nice, but has no money and seemed a little bitter about life. The third was this morning and was a nice guy who asked me to go to the beach with him this weekend. The guy this morning was the first who bothered to pay for my $2.50 cup of tea.

I have ignored a bunch of very goofy emails. (Love at first sight, or people who just want to hook-up.) I know that I will hear it is too soon to date. I have thought about it long and hard. I don't plan on marrying again. But I also don't plan on continuing to be so alone.

I go to many events with my friends. And hate feeling alone in a crowd. So I will give it a shot. If nothing else maybe I will have a new friend to go surfing with. We had a lot to talk about. He isn't rich, but not poor either. Has a nice job and most likely big child support payments.

MY STBHX has been separated from me, according to him since last October. But his affair with OW started the October before that. And when he talks about OW now he says he isn't sure he will end up with her. He has said that since the beginning of his affair with her. But he says he deserves to be happy. So I'm sure he isn't even pondering coming back to me. I think in his demented mind he will get some beautiful sweet young thing.

Who knows, he might. Heck he might even be much happier. I don't see myself waiting out a couple more years of this. I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop since the first BD in the year 2000. I was thinking about my life since then and I have been living a very him centric life since then.

And I've only been DBing since this October. But he has actually been gone since early 2000. And I seriously deserve better than this.

So Beatrice, your comment about the pathetic whine from the WAS seeking happiness really did resound with me.

Aloha,

Wendy

[beatrice]

They all stick to the same script! My xh said much the same sorts of things - wasn't sure he would end up with the OW, but he deserved to be happy.

In so many cases they display the same pattern - frustrated career path [even if they have done well according to any objective measure] messed up childhood, and a rigid and un-self-reflective personality. They cannot be wrong, and if life hasn't delivered what it 'should' they do not count their blessings, but look for someone to blame.

There is no distinction in being the OW - if it wasn't that one it would be someone else. They are the focus of what they believe they want out of life, and the escape hatch, and a load of other total bs. Many of those who do not work through their MLC drift from one relationship to another. My xh is a case in point. The original OW lasted on and off for about 6 years, although it was rocky for most of that time, and objectively he was clearly much less happy than when we were married. He is now on his second or third relationship. The kids do not want to know, and I certainly don't.

As I have written, my xh is stuck in a post MLC limboland. I would say no happier than he was, and probably less so. He sees his adult kids a couple of times a year for a brief meeting. Most of his old friends are out of contact with him. He seems lost and drifting, which is exactly where my therapist said he would end up. We have all reached out to him over the years, but he clearly wants nothing beyond a superficial relationship to convince himself that all is OK.

I have worked through it. Still sad at times at what I lost, but pretty good most days, which is fine. I look at other couples at times, and wonder where my life went. But equally I am happy alone. I went through the stage of seeing everyone else as a couple, and then i thought about women i like and respect who are on their own, and I thought that was the kind of person I wanted to be - not the other half of a couple!

You are at a vulnerable stage, and I would urge caution in dating. A few people manage a successful relationship in the early stages of their divorce proceedings, but I think you need to be very clear on why you want to date, and what you want out of it. This is not a red but an amber light - caution. And good luck.

[wishing, hoping]

The pathetic whine from the WAS that they are seeking happiness cuts no ice at all with me any more. Maybe they are, but grown ups still need to behave like grown ups and deal nicely with those they are dumping!!

I couldn't agree more. Respect is key here.