hey ces - i like what you wrote in your post to roro
could you tell us what actions/steps helped you?
roro - just a thought, and i hope you don't mind me suggesting - but those conversations about ow that you describe, sound a bit confrontational to me while your h is almost using it as an opportunity to throw ow in your face and see how much you can be provoked.
i was advised recently to act as if i don't care about the ow at all - we are both showing we care too much about the ow - you through your open conversations with h where you ask direct questions , me by laying a boundary months ago that he was to keep his own secret and i wanted to hear nothing about it (even though it affects our parenting)
so interesting how i see us doing the same thing in very different ways.
i am looking for a 180 in my sitch - in doing something different. how about you? could you see if/where you could "do something different" with this particular thing?
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
The book describes what it calls "demon dialogues" which basically means the common patterns of communication that actually restrict our ability to communicate. It gives examples of these negative patterns and then provides different ways to present out feelings in a way that is not confrontational but instead, displayes openness.
I used it this week when my W and I got into our heated argument. I was able to just say, "we're moving into our pattern of talking that doesn't help either of us and I don't want to do this again". Then I walked away and we were able to pick up the argument later on in a more calm setting.
The book does a much better job of describing how to do it. That's just an example of me at least recognizing the bad pattern and stopping it, which is the first step of the process.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
So I asked H why he pulled his phone out when I was talking to him last night. He says he was "checking to see if SS had called" since he had called/texted him earlier. Um. Right at that precise moment? Ok?
What were you feeling when he pulled the phone out?
Quote:
Then I asked him why he called OW to tell her to stop posting to FB. I said to me, it seemed like yet another excuse for them to be in contact. And that I didn't want it to look like I was making him do it (even though that's what I want to do).
What did you want him to do when you brought up OW posting to SS FB?
Quote:
He said "Its not about excuses. You expressed that you did not like her posting to SS' FB page so I told her not to do it." I asked, "So she does whatever you say?". He says no. I said so what did she say? He said she just said Ok and sorry. I just said Wow and walked out of the room.
This is where I'm really confused.
Help me understand this.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Ro...I did NOT mean to express that the affiar was in anyway your fault...
it is NOT
that was his choice and his alone
I meant that you should consider her an nonentity because she is nothing really...she is simply an excuse
I do not believe he loves her but if he pulls away from her he has to admit his own mistakes and is he willing to do that?
by giving her an actual MEANING, you are givng her more importance than she deserves
you are above her and treat her and the situation as such
it is NOT a competiton between you and this other person
you are married to him and until he divorces you, you are his wife
use that know that believe that
when you start giving her power over that, he believes it and so does she
maybe simply requesting that he stop speaking to her for 6 months...I mean if they are in love, surely 6 months to spend workng with you, remembering why he married you etc is not too much to ask...they will have their whole lives together and then use those 6 months being the person you want to be and the person he fell in love with
you have a great start on that already
and
remember
he hasn't seen her since February
but he has seen you he has been living with you enjoying you
I am reading through all of your posts. I'm in NC for my stepson's graduation, so I probably won't get to respond to all of them until Sunday or so. Thanks to everyone for coming and posting.
Hey Ro, Have you read "hold me tight"? The feelings and emotions you are having to go through are so rough. You're being betrayed and it seems that when you're looking for things to help you rebuild trust with your H, you are actually faced with more situations that break down the trust you want to build.
The "hold me tight" book helped me frame up my feelings to express them to my W in a better way so it was more about how I felt instead of coming across as accusations.
You have every right to be hurt & frustrated by all this. The questions now are still, what do you want and what actions/steps will help you get to that point long-term over short-term venting..
Hope you have a good weekend.
Ces, thanks for recommending the book. I will check it out. I have expressed to H how I feel about OW, but I'm not sure I have ever said it in a nonaccusatory way. I have been thinking about what my next steps are..no answers yet.
hey ces - i like what you wrote in your post to roro
could you tell us what actions/steps helped you?
roro - just a thought, and i hope you don't mind me suggesting - but those conversations about ow that you describe, sound a bit confrontational to me while your h is almost using it as an opportunity to throw ow in your face and see how much you can be provoked.
i was advised recently to act as if i don't care about the ow at all - we are both showing we care too much about the ow - you through your open conversations with h where you ask direct questions , me by laying a boundary months ago that he was to keep his own secret and i wanted to hear nothing about it (even though it affects our parenting)
so interesting how i see us doing the same thing in very different ways.
i am looking for a 180 in my sitch - in doing something different. how about you? could you see if/where you could "do something different" with this particular thing?
zig
Zig, thanks for your perspective. I don't feel that H is seeing how much I can be provoked when he's answering my questions. In fact most of the time he seems pained or something when he answers a question. Its kind of strange. Cheryl advised me not to mention OW. Haven't been doing so good at that.
I'll think about what you said. Maybe I'm missing something and need to step back to see it. Thanks!
So I asked H why he pulled his phone out when I was talking to him last night. He says he was "checking to see if SS had called" since he had called/texted him earlier. Um. Right at that precise moment? Ok?
What were you feeling when he pulled the phone out?
I was actually thinking he was scrolling through his phone to see how many times he had talked to her. He thinks I still check phone records, when I haven't done that in months.
Quote:
Then I asked him why he called OW to tell her to stop posting to FB. I said to me, it seemed like yet another excuse for them to be in contact. And that I didn't want it to look like I was making him do it (even though that's what I want to do).
What did you want him to do when you brought up OW posting to SS FB?
I knew he had told her not to respond to anything he was tagged in. I asked him if SS was included in that. I had already told him that I did not appreciate her responding to everything SS posted. I know she was doing it on purpose. (from a Twitter post to me from her)
Quote:
He said "Its not about excuses. You expressed that you did not like her posting to SS' FB page so I told her not to do it." I asked, "So she does whatever you say?". He says no. I said so what did she say? He said she just said Ok and sorry. I just said Wow and walked out of the room.
This is where I'm really confused.
Help me understand this.
What did you not understand? My response or his? I said Wow because we were sitting there having a conversation about this like it was regular conversation. The way he responded was one of only a few times where my feelings have been taken into consideration during this whole thing.
