W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P3

[Snowman]

Well I'm still competing with the guy my W is involved with, uggggh! I was setting up my new tablet computer with my gmail account and went into the calender feature to check it out. Well apparently my W's calendar is still shared with me and it had the following entry on one of the days "Guys name visits!!!!!!". It also had his bday scheduled in there. After the luke warm visit and no action actions on top of this revelation I checked the good old cell records and sure enough she has been chatting up a storm with this guy lately.

I feel like I'm just getting walked all over for being a nice guy. This is just ridiculous. Texting me we have a lot to work on and all this other garbage and then do this. Crap I don't expect things to magically fix over night but 10+ months to make up your mind and string me along but still keep plan B in the background or something. Its either back to detaching or being direct.

[~ kd ~]

SM, you are not being walked all over by being a nice guy.

You are simply not on your W's radar.

Until the A ends, nothing will change.

It does not mean be rude or spiteful with her. And understand that no matter what you might feel about setting boundaries, you simply are not in a position to set boundaries. They are for people who want to take advantage of you. That is unlikely the case with your sitch.

You do need to keep deciding whether you are prepared to wait it out and keep working on you or if this is the beginning of the end, for you.

[MrBond]

I suggest confronting her. Tell her that her apology the other day meant nothing because you are still hurting you. When she starts denying, just tell her that you have proof and that's that. Then let her know that if that is what she wants, to go for it, but you will not be continually made a fool of.

I think it's time to do something different.

[kenva]

Snowman, I feel for you. I am in the same boat with the W and another M. Feeling like I am being walked over and not respected. No one knows about the other M, and she has no idea that I do. It's really hard not comfronting her about him. We still live together, in separate rooms still, and have just about no contact other than at dinner w our s. Your not the only one out there.

[Snowman]

Mr Bond-I agree with your suggestion. I was preparing myself to confront my W this last weekend when my S feel ill with a bad stomach flu that ended him up in Instacare with an IV for fluids and they left the IV in for another day to come back for a check-up. The poor guy had the worst flu I have seen in a long time. He is better now but I didn't want to add drama to a tough situation of my W and I juggling a very sick kid.

That being said I will be confronting her as this apologizing with all her heart crap and then continuing to string me along and not taking any action has to stop.

In the meantime I have listened to the entire audio book of No More Mr. Nice Guy and I got to say I'm a fit for what the nice guy is. I'm not going to try and explain the whole book here but it explains a lot for myself and my behaviors including the controlling behavior. It's not a controlling behavior in a way to manipulate my W or do something bad rather it is to always make sure she is happy and not put myself first. This also created resentment and frustration along with many other feelings. I was so focused on making my W happy that I couldn't even make myself happy or do things for me. I would recommend this book to the many nice guys out there and there are many. The book doesn't preach to become a jerk rather the complete opposite, it teaches to take care of yourself in a way men should that ultimately is better for all.

Anyway enough of that explanation, its time for me to stop pacifying my W and letting her say one thing and do another. The last meeting we had felt more like she used me to just hang out with our S more than anything. When I simply asked her if we were meeting with our s or not she said with our S, I miss him and then of course ignores all conversation by using him as a buffer. Then when she has him there are no meetings or communication about just hanging out or talk of things. This maybe score keeping but from my end it is just not acceptable.

I'm going to ask her what she meant by her apology and seriously wanting to go to counseling. I will respond depending on what she has to say and simply state in a calm manner what I want and that is to work on our relationship in counseling as we discussed. If she makes up more lame excuses than its time to choose, work on our marriage to see where it takes us as she states she wants to or go with the other guys she is courting.

I seriously need to do this as I can't continue to be the Mr. Nice Guy anymore. It is bad for me. I can't make some one else happy and I know that but I can state what I want and do what I want. I can't be the pleaser/controller that tries to make sure everyone is happy guy. It is time to change. Not with anger but just because I need to do it or my resentment will never go away. Just wallowing around waiting for my W while being ok with her actions is not working for me. This is a 180 for me if I really think about who I was before.

[sayitaintso]

Good Luck Snow.

Make sure you are doing this for you.

[Snowman]

I can not do this anymore, I just can't. The emails of blame, the lies, the pointing out everything I did wrong, and the constant EAs if not PAs is to much for me to handle. No one wants me to continue on. I'm a imperfect man, I freely admit it but I never did anything to hurt my W on purpose. If someone wants to work on their marriage they don't just say lies and continue in their lies non-stop for 10+ months straight and continue to deny it. My W is so infatuated with here EAs she will just straight up deny it and vomit blame on me. I know I should not be surprised as I know better but I just can't take this crap anymore. She wants a knight in shining armor, the castle, and the perfect in-laws in the castle. Not happening. Imperfection is what makes me human and different. If you don't like me for me and want to continue living a lie so be it. I'm so ready right now to just text her and say hi to her boytoy and be done with it all because I know she is talking to him right now like she does every night since she tried to give me another fake apology a while ago.

We have exhanged emails back and forth about stuff and I straight told her she is emotionally involved with other men and I will not be plan B or have a plan B. I shared other stuff as well. I got how she felt left out of my family and how I didn't support her any in all these different ways. She of course didn't address the other men rather she said these are all reasons she is reluctant which were basically all reasons why she thinks I suck.

Its a total BS smoke screen of nick pick this and that. While the may be vaild little things and I don't deny it, if you want a divorce over them then so be it. I call BS and she is totally sucked into her EA. These lies and BS blaming has to stop. I'm sorry but I deserve better. I will not walk on eggshells any longer for this situation or for my entire marriage for that matter. No one can live up to these expectations she has. She is so insecure and must fit in to everyone's life perfect and if you don't you get the rath for it. The closer you are to her the more damage you get. I have to the biggest hit from it, then her family that cares minus her dad who was never there, and then friends who cared. I truly don't think it will matter what I do as she will continue in her behavior until she gets help and stops doing this to everyone. I have said for a while now I will not be a fixer and I feel like I'm just be blamed for everything and need to be fixed. I will not do it. I can only control me and I will not be solving anyone else's problems. Thats up to them. I refuse to wait around for ever for them to figure it out. Man I'm pissed and tired of this.

I had a bad stomach flu that I got from my S a week ago and she had one of her many races. I called her and said I'm not sure I will be better tomorrow when I pick our S up which I was picking up a day early so she could do the race. She couldn't provide any help and said "What you want me to not run my race" and "I have been sick and had him". I told her I was trying to plan just in case and she really didn't care. I guess puking my brains out and being captive to the thrown shouldn't matter. Just watch our S anyway.

She dropped him off a day early again due to a work meeting to morning and then reminds me I will have him this weekend as well because she has another race. I yet again just feel like a babysitter for all her fun. I know but you get your S to play with. Well I need an honest parent break. I'm sorry but I can't take all this abuse and be a 24x7 dad. I admit it, I need some just me time.

All this nice guy behavior has got me is resentment and nothing I want. It is exactly like "The No More Mr. Nice Guy" book describes/program describes. I totally have been that guy. Make everyone happy which is controlling. Crap I even remember talking to my IC about it months ago and now it makes sense. I have been the fool this whole time. RRRRRRR!!

[Snowman]

Ok, I have calmed down from being mad but I still question my situation. I know I'm making the changes for me and I am including the No More Mr. Nice Guy in that. I think to myself why can't I just come out and say it to her that "She is involved with other men and I'm not ok with that. If that is what you want then so be it."

I honestly don't know at this point if I would want to have a R with someone who will have EAs with multiple men at once while lying to me/OMs and making up these grand apologies while doing this.

I have tried to be responsible for my W's happiness and I think I held her responsible for mine. More nice guy behavior. I can continue as is and just let her keep sucking me in and out of the roller-coaster or I can starting saying the truth and sharing what I want.

I think I'm so attached to the outcome of things I'm afraid to do anything. This fear has created resentment and is ruining my life. I feel so much like I'm D already that other people think I am which I know doesn't matter.

Thinking about our M I now remember my W would text a single guy stuff even years back that I knew about because she told me and I did meet him but heck I didn't know what was being said and I told her it needed to stop and it never really did. This behavior has been on going for quite sometime and me being the nice guy has as well.

I just feel like I'm swirling and going no where again. Need advice please.

[~ kd ~]

SM, the contextual difference is huge, between being in a convo with your W and stating what you want and mean vs seeking her out specifically to do so.

As much as you want to go to her and dump on her what you feel about her choices and your goals, that remains a sitch of you thinking that words will change the sitch. They just won't. Even if it SEEMS like words change a sitch, it may be very likely that the words simply validate changes that have already occurred and therefore follow a choice that has already been made.

ie. If you go to your W and say that you do not like that your W is having R with OM and that she needs to make a choice between you and OM. What ever she does, she had already chosen and your words weren't the catalyst to the choice, they would simply validate the choice she already made.

So all I'm really saying is, you can choose to stop being a "nice guy" and doing that is in the context of now and into the future. And that is FOR YOU. You would not specifically be doing that in order to "fix" the M.

You need to continue to move on with your life regardless of the outcome of your M. Live your new behaviours regardless of the sitch and when there is comm between you and your W, maintain that behaviour. It needs to be a habit.

And once it's a habit, you are likely to see what the changes in the sitch are, decide whether they are good or bad (or appear to make no difference) and then course correct if necessary.

Keep moving forward.

[Snowman]

KD-I agree I can't change my stitch with words. I have learned that the hard way. I know I can't control anyone else but me.

I also I agree that if I say what I have to say about the OMs that it will not change her or fix my M. It really would be to change my behavior as a nice guy and would be doing it for me as I'm done walking on eggshells.

I ask myself when is enough enough and I know I can only answer that. I know how I have contributed to my M problems but at this point I feel like waiting for her to make up her mind as to if she wants to work on our M or choose one of the many guys and that is just crap to me.

I know I need to move on with life but I really can't move on all the way being in this stitch. I can work on me but I don't feel like I can share me with someone while in this situation. I guess thats why I don't think all my resentment will go away until this thing goes somewhere.

I guess its time to detach and work more on me to make things habit. My goal is to go through the NMMNG tasks and do them.