i was sort of quiet in the truck on the way there- not usual for me, usually i'm a bit nervous and so i babble. instead s was sort of babbly - i think he gets a bit nervous when the 3 of us are together.
so we get to the film studio - and the teacher comes to intro himself. h sort of takes over super confidently, intros himself, then just by passes me and intros s (i'm standing next to h and s is a few feet away). as i had expected him to intro me next, i'd already stuck my hand out, and there was this odd moment when the guy didn't know who's hand to shake - i just kept my hand out quietly with a pleasant smile on my face, unperturbed, while h fumbled a bit and then intro'd me by my name. the guy shook my hand before s's - and i could see that he had picked up on the vibes right away!!
h was very uncomfortable - this has happened several times - and the first time i called him on it - months ago (actually after a night we slept together). he admitted that he didn't know how to introduce me anymore - and i just said, use my name. he'd always intro'd me as his wife before.
today though, i felt the disrespect a bit and was actually not upset - just said to myself oh well that's where he's at - still trying to figure things out.
well then the teacher really got into explaining everything to us - and it took quite a while. but the weirdest thing happened. he started talking almost entirely to me - SERIOUS eye contact and pretty intense. really intense - and it didn't help that he was really attractive!
h was not happy - he moved off to the side and i watched his demeanor go from very confident to quite anxious (he does some very specific things when he's anxious and they only started after the affair started). i could see him trying not to look at us!!
i stayed very relaxed, friendly and did interact with the guy - looking directly at him. i absolutely did not flirt - but it may have looked like i was enjoying the contact???
(when h had called me to say we could go down there right away, he had stressed how much he had liked the guy on the phone - he was really great! on the other hand i had been quite hesitant about the whole thing so had walked in there with mixed feelings. five mins after seeing the place and the set up (before the eye contact thing, i was already convinced that s would love it)
back in the truck - h started complaining about something minor that happened in there, sounding like he did not want s to go. s and i stayed really relaxed and didn't push it ( i have recently talked to s about letting h participate in making decisions like this and for us to stay patient), and we talked of other things.
then s complimented h big time on his teaching skills and h looked abashed - i reached over and touched his arm lightly and added my compliments too (first time i have touched him in a long while) - he was really pleased - and i thought - wow s and i rarely ever really really tell him something like that.
when we got to the house, i immediately turned to s (who was unstrapping himself ready to get out) and said okay see you sweetheart, give me a hug. making it clear i didn't expect them to stay ( i usually let them dawdle) and asked h so when do we want to decide about this?
h allowed us to have a wonderful family moment - really warm and wonderful - and believe me there have been pretty much none until today - where we voted together and decided. he played the teasing game with s pretending to say no and we all laughed together. i got out happily and went in.
i was really pleased - even if this is temporary - it's been my goal for soooo long - that h allows us to have some good moments together. so i feel as if i achieved something little here. it's not so much for myself as for s. i keep thinking that i want s to have good memories of the 3 of us together even if h and i aren't. he finally allowed us one.
so the goal for me now, is to focus on the patterns i see that muck us up, and find a way to change them. i feel as if i really achieved something today in one of our most sensitive issues.
do you think it's better to stay totally quiet or can i send h a text saying "so glad that you and i made s so happy today, thanks"
because we really did - and i felt for once, really once, we did it together.
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
