Drop your expectations back downt to zero. I think that all of the communication in the last week, it kind of set you up, even though you might not have been fully aware of it.
Her attention right now is setting up her apt. and working. That's good...it gives you a break from the insanity.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
This morning D1 and I were playing anything you can do I can do better. Then she looked me straight in the eye and pooped in her diaper! Well played... Well played...
M:35 W:33 M: 5 yrs. Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10 D Final: 8/7/12
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
STBXW is still trying to reach out. Yesterday she texted me saying that I am welcome to use her computer to burn movies. This was out of the blue and not asked for by me.
Today she called me, first appologizing for calling when it wasn't an emergency, which we agreed upon, then asking if I wanted to go to her place and swim with her and D1. I thanked her but told her I was busy this afternoon/evening.
It seems like she wants to be BFFs, but is still sueing me in court for divorce. WTH?? It is almost like she needs me not to be mad at her and tosweep the past under the rug and act like nothing happened even though we are getting a D.
M:35 W:33 M: 5 yrs. Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10 D Final: 8/7/12
TM, That is exactl what she is trying to do...sweep the entire situation under the rug, but move forward w/the divorce. She wants to be friends w/you so that she has someone to fall back on when she needs assistance. Their definition of friends is different from what we know.
She is really stretching to get your attention and have you in her corner. I had to laugh about burning movies. I wonder what she'll come up with next. Any ideas?
Continue doing what you've been doing.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am sure she will ask me to Art Fest on Saturday with her and D1. We have went together every year since we've met. I will be busy that day as well.
Then she will follow up on the "let's sell D1's things in a garage sale", followed by "Since you don't want to hang out anymore, we will do things separately from now on."
Mark the date and time, because Nostradamus is in town.
M:35 W:33 M: 5 yrs. Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10 D Final: 8/7/12
But allow me to point something out you may not have thought of. While it is not acceptable to you that she wants to be friends and is suing you in court for divorce at the same time, there are worse things. There is also the consideration that sweeping it under the rug is NOT possible. You won't let it be. But that does NOT mean you have to deal with that at this immediate time if you don't want to. That can be dealt with later and could be really a whole lot easier if you were friends.
You will have to deal with it at some point. Putting up your wall may not serve you as well as you would like. It'll keep you from further hurt on that front, but you'll be dealing with her for many years to come to parent your daughter.
Wouldn't it be easier as friends? Wouldn't you like to know if you can forge a relationship and see where it goes?
I know. It's not easy. It's certainly understandable if you want to walk away and cut YOUR losses. It's easy to feel used. It's easy to feel you have been wronged and it's understandable that you have no reason to allow her into your life at any level until she makes amends.
But I can tell you that the timing of dealing with those wrongs is not the important part.
Something to think about, amigo. From a bigger picture perspective and a long view of the timelines.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
We both agreed on that rule months ago, in fact SHE was the one to bring it up when she was with OM.
AJM-
I thought of exactly what you posted last night, before reading your post, so hopefully I am on the right track.
When I think of this situation of being friends I am struggling with the fine line between standing up for myself and backsliding from my hard earned changes. I would like to be friends, heck, I would like to keep being married and work on the issues, but I don't want to have her cake eating and I also wonder how D1 would process all this (is mommy and daddy together or not?). I don't want to send the message that everything is ok and that STBXW can just use me any way she wants to at anytime. I also don't want to look like I want nothing to do with her either, because I don't see how that would possibly get a relationship back on track.
I have thought a lot about the past and her claims that I put my job before her and I can see where that may be true. I was scared because I started in my first career that had benefits and all and I did not want to be in jeopardy of losing my job or the benefits for the family. This caused me to work long hours, which were required. I did make time for her the best I felt I could at the time, but obviously it was not enough. After I found out about the first affair, she asked me to go to a movie with her and I wanted to be alone to think so I declined. SHe then said that she would never ask me again and from now we would do everything separate.
Now I seem to be at the same crossroad again. She is asking for me to do things with her at the last minute, and as of right now I have respectfully declined, stating that I already had plans, which is true. I see where I may be making the same mistake as I the past by being unavailable and the 180 would be to be available.
So what do I do? Do I be friends, yet meanwhile sending the message that it is ok to continue to have her actions disconnect from her words or do I keep down this path, stick to my guns, an possibly lose any kind or relationship with her.
If it about being right or happy, I choose happy.
I am asking myself though would I be happy knowing that I am being used and allowing it, or would I be happy to cut ties with her.
Any thoughts?
M:35 W:33 M: 5 yrs. Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10 D Final: 8/7/12
I would guess you won't be happy either way if you put it like that. Not at first. Long term is different.
You will have to deal with her on some level. Can't run away. You could be right about your boundaries and who is wrong etc.
More to think about right? Have you told her you are thinking about such things?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
