I think that what she wants is for him to admit the truth and then, as a result, to stop seeing OW. he feels that with the lying and denying he can pull the wool over her eyes and continue to be a "cake eater" with the social advantages of a "stable marriage" and the fun of a fantasy affair on the side. (and I realize that for the cheating spouse, the attraction of the affair is not so much any specific quality of the OP, often the LBS is a lot better person in many ways; but the affair is all fantasy and fun with no responsibilities and that is the attraction.)
and therefore, since the lying and denying are in effect enabling the affair, I think that what Abbey wants is for him to admit the truth and then stop the affair. the question is - if they do admit the past and if they do stop seeing the OW, how do we know going forward that they are now telling the truth, i.e. that they aren't continuing secretly with OW in some way and/or haven't started a new affair with some other OW?
I am throwing this out for all those who have been there & done that. I know there are some who are already divorced and who are saying that this is the only solution - but isn't that like cutting off your nose to spite your face? some participants in this forum have rehabilitated their marriages, and the question is how you can be able to confidently trust the cheating spouse again after what he has done in the past.
Yes, I think that would be the perfect scenario for Abbey. That her H will dump OW and come clean.
But he's a cake eater and you can only be a cake eater if you have a spouse that is allowing you to eat cake.
She can't control her H. But she can control herself.
Besides, if she really wanted proof, she could put a VAR in his truck and then play it for him. Kinda hard for him to dispute that...
But then she would be in the position of making a firm decision and perhaps she is not ready.
As for regaining the trust after an A, as Starsky said, "Trust but verify."
My former cheating H is transparent and I would not have remained in the M if he was not. I simply would not feel safe and I would not choose to stay in a M of three or the possibility of three. That would eat away at my soul and affect my physical and emotional health.
Credibility + Empathy = Trust over time. My H shows empathy for my feelings, and he shows by his actions that his word is credible now. We are still working on the time part.
Also, attitude. My H's attitude has done a complete 180 from the time he was involved in an A.
