Reviewed Last Resort Technique today and want to see if I am on the right path.
Step 1 - Stop the Chase
First, you need to stop doing anything that your spouse might look at as pursuing behavior. Here are some examples of behavior that I would consider "pursuing."
Frequent phone calls Begging your spouse to reconsider Pointing out all the good in your marriage Writing letters Following your mate around the house Encouraging talk about the future Soliciting help from family members Asking for reassurances Buying gifts/flowers Trying to schedule dates together Spying on your spouse
I stopped the pursuing and begging a couple of weeks before LRT. In talks since, I have never brought up the R, M or future. I stopped asking for help from her sister.
I have invited her to do things with the Ds (beach, rollerblading, amusement park).
I stopped the spying, but had a slip earlier this week. I am back to not caring.
Step 2 - Get a Life I think I am doing really good on this. I am happier and healthier. Changes I made will carry on no matter what happens with the W.
Step 3 - Wait and Watch
One of three things happens when you use the last-resort technique.
1) Nothing.
I don't think this is happening. Prior to the LRT, we scarcely communicated for a couple of weeks. She contacts me now. When we do talk, they are good "friend" conversations.
2) Your mate becomes curious.
S/he might start showing more interest in you, your whereabouts, and what you are up to in your life. Your spouse might even suggest you spend some time together to talk or do something enjoyable. It's also possible that your spouse might start asking you a lot of questions about your sudden changes. If any of these things begin to happen, here's my advice:
Be loving in return, but not overly excited or enthusiastic.
Identified this as a problem. I would get overly excited when we would hang out one on one. Not in front of her, but in my mind. I would think we were on the way to R, but get slammed down harder when nothing changed.
Accept some invitations to spend time together, but not all.
Here is my issue. I read on other posts to do things to show her what she is missing. I have been blasted for doing things with the W. She wants to have drinks with me. She wants to goto a movie. She wants to go rollerblading.
At this time, as long as there is a OM, I will not be doing anything. I feel like I am PLAN B and refuse to allow myself to be treated that way.
She wants to do things that are short. She wants to meet for drinks after work on Friday. I will be declining this invitation. What if I said I couldn't make it after work, but could do it after I put the Ds to bed, so around 10:30pm? Most likely she will say no. But if she says yes, then she can't make plans with others that night. I won't be Plan B.
The fear is she will stop asking me to do things.
Do not ask any questions about your future together.
I don't do this. However, I gave her a date in August when I would file for D. Do I let this date come and file or do I try to talk to her as the date approaches? She probably thinks I am bluffing.
Be vague when asked questions about the changes in you. Say that you are just thinking things through.
I try, but she pushes.
Continue to be upbeat.
Semi-good here. I know what brings me down, so I can better identify it and shift my thoughts.
At D3's birthday party, W was extremely irritable. I stayed upbeat and positive. After 6 hours, her attitude changed and she wanted me to spend time with her.
Do not say, "I love you"
Haven't said it in over a month.
Resist getting into conversations about your marriage.
I don't.
Beat your spouse to the punch when it comes time to leave or separate from each other at the end of an activity. You set the tone for going your separate ways.
I would say I do this 90% of the time.
3) Your spouse might have an overnight change of heart.
Would love for this to happen, but it isn't.
I always thought once the OM was gone, things would be good. Wishful thinking.
SIL told me a few things today she heard:
Friend of W is going out of town in July and invited W. W asked if OM could come. Friend said no, she doesn't like him and didn't want to be in a car with him for a few days.
If W knows I am filing in August, makes me think she either doesn't care or doesn't think I will do it. Why else would she plan an out of town trip with OM so close to D being filed.
SIL says OM is coming to an end
Finally. However....
SIL said friend told her that W said she needs to start dating other people.
Great. Nothing I can really do about that. I have a date in August and I am sticking to it unless we are working on our M as I told her.
How do I know if I have successfully detached?
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
