Wife says it's to far gone

[25yearsmlc]

PS wish we could edit!!

I wanted to also say "Go somewhere new" b/c that is very stimulating, does not remind you of w, and it is fun sounding to others. Even though these acts are to make YOU feel better, and they do, they also tend to make the WAS wonder what the heck is so wrong with YOU that they left.

After all, if you are busy GAL and changing...they begin to second guess their choices. They have to.

See, the lie some LBSers tell themselves to justify their pursuit or refusal to detach and become independent healthier people, is that somehow being needy shows love. [b] WRONG...
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Frankly, If you are miserable without them, BECAUSE you are without them and not enough for yourself, then you are not bringing much to the table for THEM...

It will seem like "proof" to them that they made the right choice to leave b/c it's NOT attractive to be needy and sad. Who misses that type of behavior?

If her complaint about you was that you were neglectful/ inattentive, you can still detach but show changes by making full eye contact with her when she speaks, never interrupting (if shes not being rude) and LISTENING to her without trying to fix/solve her problem that second. Validate her perspective.

If she revises the marital history, and most WAWs do, then you can say one of 2 things.

If the "revision" is so outrageous you literally have no idea what she's talking about or you recall it very differently

you can say "Wow w, I don't recall that event that way at all, but I'm sorry you were so hurt."

IF the revision isn't far from the truth and you have regrets about a choice you made or comment you made, you can say''

"I understand why you feel that way and if I had it to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."

Neither response escalates, both replies show willingness to change ON YOUR END, and both show you are thinking about what she is saying. You are not deflecting OR defending yourself, which is great. No actual argument can be had with this approach. NOTE-I'm repeating this b/c it bears repeating. She won't come back if she believes that marriage to you isn't going to be better/DIFFERENT. So you have to show change every chance you get and those comments help SHOW CHANGE IN YOU.

You want contact without argument. NO defending yourself. Then eventually some relaxation around each other can happen, which you want. You want her to feel comfortable around you which means NO R TALK from you.

Then, you build on the ability to be around each other without tense R talks or weird awkwardness. That SLOWLY builds...

Let it build, "page by page". EVentually, a chapter is done -but don't keep expecting "the book to be done"

when you can only do a 'page' of relationship work, every week or two. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

There's a reason I keep saying that...

Remember**

If you seem upbeat and strong, (eventually it becomes reality) & that makes her wonder if maybe, just maybe, she has a problem in perspective...maybe she was wrong about you...

or maybe her info or "data" about you is old news and out of date, b/c maybe you really have changed...

So be the best dad you can be and

Be less predictable. If your w comments on your changes you can thank her for the compliment, but mention that you "wanted to make that change anyhow".

Do not make a big deal about her comment or EVER ask if she's noticed them...

WHY? B/C then she'll think the "Change" is NOT real and that it is merely a tactic to get her back and

that if she were to return - then you would simply revert to the way things used to be. THAT IS HER GREATEST FEAR...

You must show her the changes for long enough that she believes they are real and permanent. Make them so.

When you think about it from another perspective, if your partner had flaws/problems that damaged the marriage enough a relationship to make you want OUT of it - even though you have two kids,

& then you see that the spouse is changing into someone without those issues or flaws, or who is becoming a person you wanted them to become all along, or even better, then it's darn tough not to re-think your choice to leave.

It's as if all "YOUR work" and patience with the spouse, staying as long as you did, before finally leaving

-- will only benefit someone else? WTH?

You could try to tell yourself it's "too little too late" or "it's not real", or "he'd never keep that up for ME"...

but down deep it ends up bugging a lot of people very much, that the changes they always hoped for, were finally made, but for someone else.

I heard an ex wife once say it's as if she "got the crappy Practice husband' and the 2nd wife gets the 'new & improved guy' and THEY get to go off into the sunset with his newfound relationship skills and all his confidence and respectful behavior, that she never got but Taught him by leaving!!!"

believe me, that bothers WAS's a lot...

and NO woman is unmoved by seeing the loving interactions of her children, with their father. Keep it up.

It's the right thing to do so they don't lose both parents, and b/c it gives YOU joy and b/c it takes two involved parents to raise happy healthy citizens.

Reassure your kids as best you can, that you will ALWAYS be there for them. And that you love them.

If things are smooth enough, and IF it does NOT seem like you are making your case to her

you may even thank HER for "waking" you up to make these changes

b/c now you see that life is better for YOU this way, and you won't ever go back to being an uninvolved dad who misses out, etc...

Make sense?

Be happy. It's attractive and that attitude MAY help win her back. But the thing is, it cannot hurt.

So even IF she never returns, You will be happier/healthier that much sooner. than if you wallow. Do not try to convince yourself that being miserable will prove how much you love her. That myth always backfires.

IF she is potentially open to returning, she's FAR more likely to do so, if there is an appealing, confident attractive man to return to...

Being miserable is just not attractive. It's weak and needy looking and no healthy woman will run back to that...Be strong...

(at least ACT strong - you only have to act like that in front of her & anyone who might pass on info about you to her. So look good and put together if you think you'll run into mutual friends. But hey, It's not a 24/7 thing so yes you CAN do this!).

Got it? Yes, I know you may not "Feel happy" but where the head goes, the heart will follow, if we let it.

Talk yourself into what you have to do. Don't wait to feel it...like GAL. Too many LBSers wait to "feel like GAL" but in reality what they FEEL like doing is hiding under their bed with some ice cream or booze. Should they do that b/c that is how they FEEL?


Don't let how you "feel" this hour, or day, dictate your life's choices or you'll be repeating your wife's behavior--following her every emotional whim as if that is the way to live.

NO one could keep their committments in life if they only let their feelings guide them.

"What's that? You don't "FEEL" like working today? Okay, don't show up"...see how that helps your career.

"You don't FEEL like cooking for the kids or taking care of the sick one, OR playing with them b/c it's not that fun FOR YOU"

so you "FEEL" like doing your own thing and gee, if you feel that way it must be right.

But that's a lie we say to justify some bad selfish choices. See how healthy your relationships w/your kids (or their physical health) become living that way.

Broken agreeements make for messy lives.

Love is at least in part, a CHOICE. We must make it every day.

If need be, fake it til you make it...

good luck

((( )))