Not sure exactly why, but as the day progesses onward I keep feeling anxious about my w and s being away on vacation. Honestly, I think it is my ego - which means I am not 100% detached yet - working on it, but it is difficult.
There are moments when I think that in many respects after the baby was born, my w felt as if she no longer needed me. It seems for now that as long as she has our son or at least ACCESS to him she is perfectly content.
Sometimes I get angry because as we stuggled through the infertility process she was so strong about her desire to have a family...to have children with me. That process took 3 years...we fought, and struggled and cried together for 3 years before we finally had our son. After we made it through that process, I felt as if we were invincible as a couple....that it had galvanized us...brought us closer....strenghted our relationship. 16 months after the baby, she dropped the bomb.
Nowadays I am left wondering why she was so willing for fight for 3 years to make a family, but won't put that same amount of effort into keeping it or saving it. Again - my inner cynic says that all she wanted was a baby - and once she got that the notion of a family evaporated and no longer mattered to her. She said she had been unhappy for a year and tried to tell me - but now says she understands that she did a poor job communicating that to me. Now that I can SEE what she was feeling, and have tried to correct as much as I can for BOTH of us - I am hurt that she won't give things a chance.
Anyhow - it's toxic thinking but in my head she and her friends family and our son are having the time of their lives on vacation and I am somewhere in the back of her mind between what she had for diner three days ago and what color she painted her toes. Again - it's my ego - I know. I just feel trivialized, unimportant and forgotten by her. It shouldn't matter - and if I was fully detached it wouldn't - but she can still impact my feelings. Even worse - what I THINK she is thinking or feeling can impact my feelings. Sad to admit, but true - trying to get it under control.
