"So if W says to have D13 put them down so we can go do something, I am stuck"
Where I am confused is why you would even contemplate doing anything while the OM is still in the picture. Doing things together can come later, right now she is using you as a plan B when she has nothing better to do. Grow a backbone and say no, I am busy. It really has nothing to do with putting your girls down, whether your W knows you like it or not.
M 53, W 48 T 25, M 18 S 15, D 11 "I'me done!" 6/13/2010 Exit started 8/21/2011 ILYBNILWY W consults with L 9/2011, no papers filed Separated 1/16/2012
Keep hammering me until I get it, because I am still not grasping it.
The 180 is doing things with the W.
However, I know how stupid it is to do things with the W while the OM is still around. I know how I am too good to be a Plan B.
However... OM doesn't work M, Tu, W W doesn't see OM on Tu, Th, Sa and every other Su because she has our Ds. So the W can only spend time with OM on M, W and F. So if she is making plans with me in advance on a M, W or F, I don't see how I am the Plan B.
Honestly, if she is making plans in advance to do something with me, she is choosing to do it. I am too busy on Tu, Th and Sa to make plans with the W. So if she wants to do something with me, she has to do it on one of "her" nights.
UKVA, if you asked me out and I said I was busy, you would probably ask me to do something again in the future. If you asked me out again and I again said I was busy, would you ask me out again? No. You would say F it and stop asking and just go out with the other person.
Example 1: My D is being bad all day. She asks me for candy. I just say no. The next day, she is being bad again and asks me for candy. I just say no.
Example 2: My D is being bad. She asks me for candy. I tell her no, she has been bad. The next day, she is being bad again and asks for me candy. I tell her no, she has been bad.
Which example is going to get my D to understand she can't be bad and get candy?
This brings me back to reaffirming the boundaries. Everyone said no R talk, but how the heck is W to know I don't want to do anything because of the OM if I don't tell her? I already screwed up "dating" my W before. Explain it to me like I am a child.
I don't think I am being stubborn here. I honestly don't understand how it is going to work.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
I fell off the path the other day, but I am back on it. It isn't hard at all for me until W starts to contact me and tries to plan events with me.
Whenever she asks me to do something with her, I have to take a step back and think it over. I think I did good last week when I denied her request to stay for a bit at her apartment.
I am back to detach/dim. My schedule makes it very easy. She picks up the Ds from my house after I have already left for work on Tuesday and Thursday. She takes them to daycare on Wednesday and Friday. When she comes to get them on Saturday night, I will conveniently not be there. I can easily only have to see her one day a week, if that.
I think detaching works as every time I have done it, she comes to me. Problem is that I jump right back. I need to stay detached until OM is gone.
I appreciate the people here that have followed my sitch despite my stubbornness.
Whatever happens with my M, I know I will be a better person. During my M, I basically cut ties with all my friends. I would decline almost all requests to hang out with them unless it was a couples thing. I never did anything for myself because I felt bad spending money on myself instead of my family.
I am back to going out with people and enjoy it. Something that I think is healthy in a R. I am spending money on myself again and it feels good. I bought clothes for myself for the first time in years. I like to shop and it feels good to reward yourself with a new shirt every once and a while. I am back to dressing nice again. I think my wardrobe for the past few years has been t-shirts that I got free from events.
I still miss my wife, but I don't obsess over it anymore. I don't really think about what she is doing, nor do I care. The only time I care is when I think we are making progress, and looking back, I don't think that has been happening.
This is her Sunday with the Ds, so I think I am going to do some GAL I have been wanting to do but because of cost or lack of a baby-sitter, I never did. I am either going to kayak on the river or try stand up paddle boarding.
Thanks again for listening to my venting.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
So D13 just texted me that W hasn't come to my house to pick them up yet. I trust my D13 can watch her sisters for a few hours, but should I contact W and tell her that I don't feel that is acceptable or should I just let it go?
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
That stand up paddle boarding looks way fun... hope you get to try it!
I feel like I'm at the same place as you emotionally in my situation. I don't obsess anymore over what my H and OW are doing. I do still miss him but at times I really can see myself moving on. I'm not completely there, yet, though. When I first found out about H's PA I told him that I didn't want to do anything with him whether it was with our kids or not until he had ended things with OW. He told me, fair enough.
I think that right there showed him that I respect myself enough not to be the 2nd choice. I know our situations aren't exactly the same, but that may be something to think about. That way you aren't getting pushed around in a state of utter confusion.
Staying "dark" is really the only thing that is helping me gain my self-esteem back. It really does allow me to focus on ME. Not him and how he's going to react to whatever I say or do. Sometimes worrying about that all the time is emotionally exhausting. I don't know if you've read "Codependent No More" but I'm right in the middle of reading it and it has been very helpful and insightful. I highly suggest you read it if you haven't already. I have a quote on my thread coming from that book talking about "worrying."
Lots of good things to contemplate changing the way we think and behave.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
So D13 just texted me that W hasn't come to my house to pick them up yet. I trust my D13 can watch her sisters for a few hours, but should I contact W and tell her that I don't feel that is acceptable or should I just let it go?
I would say, if it was a friend that was supposed to pick them up and a time was already agreed upon by both of you... what would you do? Wouldn't you call or text to make sure they're going to be there? These are your children. There's nothing wrong with making sure they're getting taken care of.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
So D13 just texted me that W hasn't come to my house to pick them up yet. I trust my D13 can watch her sisters for a few hours, but should I contact W and tell her that I don't feel that is acceptable or should I just let it go?
How long ago was she supposed to pick them up? Give it some time before you jump to conclusions (she could have a valid reason, hard to believe as it is). Maybe just tell D13 to give you a text when she gets there and then give yourself 24-48 hours before saying anything to her about it. Would refraining (For now) be a 180 for you?
But I don't think I would go about it in a way that "this is unacceptable." Just tell her that D13 is wondering where she is and if she could contact D13 to let her know when she'll be there.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
Haha JKS we overlapped there with completely opposite advice.
My reason for suggesting restraint for now is - if she has a valid reason for not being there (which we don't know), she is just going to feel worse if you point out to her that her valid reason was not acceptable. If D13 can handle things for now, let her do that. Earlier I think you mentioned you didn't necessarily trust D13 to put the girls to bed as you would like them to be put to bed? Maybe this is a good way to learn to step back a little and let D13 show she can be responsible here (if you already trust her, which you said you do).
////Again, though, I don't have kids, so I'm not an authority on this by any means when it comes to dealing with them and which kid watches which.
