Hi I am new to this but I am glad I found it. My husband had an affair in February. I found out about it because He was buying new clothes, watching his weight,and getting his hair cut by a woman when he would only go to a barber before. He also got a new phone and was acting very secretive with it. I found the password and found several deleted texts (he would never text before) which had a few sentences in each one so I could see what was going on.It was a woman at work and my husband had introduced me to her at a christmas party just before the affair started. He also had the gall to introduce her to 2 of my kids at her church where she is a big deal. My husband tried to deny it at first then said he never wanted me to find out. I found out during a time when I was caring for my mother 5 days a week, who died about 3 weeks after this. I was so hurt and he was surprised at my reaction because he said he didn't think I loved him anymore. Well, I told him I was always feeling hurt in the marriage. But I always cared about him.
He told me the reason he had the affair was because 3 times in our marriage I told him I would divorce him once the youngest turned 18. Well thats because for a very long time, I was last on his list of priorities. He said he felt numb since the last year or two when, according to him, I threatened divorce the last time. But he still wanted me even though I was not a very enthusiastic partner due to feeling mistreated and he hated that plus I hardly ever initiated intimacy and nagged about the same ole things.
At first when I found out he was relieved and was affectionate and he broke it off with the OW. He told some people I asked him to and he went to counselling and Retrouville. But as time as passed he is not going to counselling and is not affectionate at all. He says this is his problem and he has to work it out.
Last year his dad died and his dad suffered alot. Had similar problems as my mom. My husband says he feels numb about his dads death. That's about the time he started hanging out with the OW. Having coffee and lunch etc.
He is busy to the extreme. He works and then also teaches once a week, writes papers for a journal and had 2 published,wants to write a book, has a sailboat that he pours money into for maybe 10 times of sailing a year, goes to astronomy meetings and events,and has started going to the bar with a couple friends 1 or 2 times a week. He also wants to buy a very expensive telescope to replace his old one. He says he has to get all this done because he feels time is short and he has a feeling he doesn't have much time. I feel he is depressed but he denies it.
He does talk to me but for short periods of time and rarely asks about me. Sometimes when he is home after he is on the computer doing work he lays on the couch and watches tv. Doesn't communicate much. He is worried about my emotional state cuz I have gone off on him a few times re: the affair, the state of the marriage etc. I am depressed. Not too keen on our therapist because she never gives homework. Just told me to tell others so I had a support system.
Our 23rd anniversary is coming up and I wonder if I should even acknowlege it. My daughter brought it up to him and he didn't say much. He still sleeps in my bed, but as far away from me as possible. I have lost weight, tried to be a better housekeeper tried to GAl a little. Working out and making a few plans but I am not working since my mom died and I told my husband I was taking the summer off which bugs him. My son who is the youngest is 18 and has a girlfriend. He is smitten with her so I don't want them at my house with no supervision. Any advice for me? Sometimes I think he needs to leave because its hard for my whole family to watch this.
