Sadly Returning

[25yearsmlc]

I cant handle this affair.

[color:#CC0000]
Stop snooping and stop talking about OM, completely. Totally. I don't even know why or how you "KNOW" she has had an affair but it does not matter

b/c you have no control over this.

And I don't think it helps to imagine "the worst b/c that's probably what it is" at all. Why on earth do THAT to yourself? Besides it's not realistic in my opinion.

Everyone has flaws. NO ONE is perfect and neither is OM, if he in fact exists the way you think he does. His faults will get revealed in time...we all have them. Your questions about OM only force her to defend her relationship with him, to ponder it more, and to lie to you--

OR to tell you the ugliest possible truth, which would only force her to choose. Is that what you want? THINK...

She'll figure out that he is a flawed man, when the fog lifts, which takes time. Meanwhile, you have to start becoming a man only a fool would leave.

No more being all "messed up", pretending to date, (be way more mysterious and volunteer nothing but vague comments about meeting friends) And no more acting needy or pleading w/her to tell you "the truth".

Just stop it - b/c it's NOT attractive. I know you feel like crap but the thing is, being needy and showing all your pain to her, is NOT appealing or attractive.

So if you have to, and many do, fake it til you make it. Act as if...learn those 37 rules and live by them...I'll repost them later in case you missed them.

But when someone posts a LONG post to you that takes time, do not ignore it and keep on spiraling downward.

Read and think and process new information so you can get through this.

No wallowing for more than 5 minutes at a time. This DOES get better.

Were you EVER happy before you knew her? (If not, then you need to talk to a c about long term depression. If you were ever happy before you met her, then Okay...let's get back to you being THAT guy.

being the guy she fell in love with...



I Still love my wife....what is wrong with me. She wont tell me anything and still trys to claim he is just a friend. I dont understand why she wont come clean. She wont even tell me how long its been going on.


Why would she tell you that? Why confess that to YOU? For one thing, you cannot handle it if there's truth to it. But you have got to get a grip and back off big time....Seriously...

I am also a complete tool. I cant stop texting her asking questions. She isnt giving me answers but is being pretty respectful.


yes you CAN Stop texting her and you CAN stop being "a complete tool" whatever that means. Take charge of your life. It's mandatory and it's a heck of a lot more attractive than giving her all your power b/c you have none of your own.

I dont know what to do...I cant save my marrige and i cant detach

YES YOU CAN DETACH...it's a process. Start it today

... I am so lost and broken of a man. I am a shell of who i once was.

I dont know why answers mean so much to me. Why i cant just say she is a cheater and needs to go away....why cant i bring myself to that.

give yourself some time and some credit for trying to be a good guy. But take in the new information you are being given.

You have to take this in and not spin your wheels. Get a mantra, a saying or a few phrases that help motivate or calm you and say them. OUT LOUD (in the shower in case others are around).

I had to turn my marriage over to God, along with my pain and anger. I did that, out loud, every day for months in the shower. I prayed a lot and came here and took in the advice I got.

I'd literally say "God, I turn my pain/anger over to you and place this marriage in your hands"...it helped to calm me and to keep me from losing it around my h or if he called.

I also read some things on forgiveness and that same saying helped me to let go of the pain.

You must realize that in your w's eyes, the affair, IF IT IS AN AFFAIR it has been rationalized by her.

She may feel you pushed her into OM's arms with neglect or anger or conflict, etc...rarely do people feel UNjustified when they engage in r's with OMs or OWs...

no matter what happens, you cannot let this eat at you.

So start turning it over to the big Guy upstairs and become the man you were meant to become.

Let your wife see your changes and wonder who she is choosing to leave,

and let her remember why she chose you in the first place. Those memories will resurface if you let them...by giving her space and acting as if you have had an awakening...

that she will NOT be better off without you (do not tell her, just believe it and let that inner belief show. The OM, if he's real, cannot love her as you do, so KNOW that...and it will show)

Be the man she fell in love with, a man only a fool would leave.

Be strong, upbeat, looking forward to your future b/c no matter what, you will learn to laugh and live and yes LOVE again.

In time...for now, HEAL and GAL...we hammer the "GAL" speech a whole lot

b/c it works!