[censored] labug - i went and read your post again after i wrote my reply and this jumped out - and i think all of this is actually taking me through some process which is bringing to the surface finally a huge issue.
for weeks i've been sensing that there is something still unresolved within me - and maybe it's symptom is that i DON'T know what i want and need. i have no idea, possibly.
for 11 yrs i've lived with this man and this child and apart from the fact that i really do love them, i started out by committing myself on the grounds that i couldn't not join him because we had a child together and i couldn't make the decision that i would be responsible for separating them.
i didn't take myself into consideration at all, not then and through the whole marriage, always putting them first at my own expense. i'm still doing it. i actually feel so much anxiety dealing with both s and h.
i haven't mentioned it today at all, but all afternoon while i've been posting there's been another drama going on with s and h and fil. - they overwhelm me, all three with their passive aggressiveness. each time i think that something is clear and settled, it comes up unexpectedly and i feel as if i have to clean up the mess.
this time it was clearly h who messed up, and then when i tried to discuss it with him - he took on the stance of - what's the big deal, this isn;t a big deal.meanwhile s, is crying to me on the phone because he was so disappointed and i was being firm and holding to what i originally said. the result was s had to swallow down his feelings and force himself to act as if he didn't care anymore, and h is acting as if everyone was fussing too much. to top it off, it was all instigated by fil who broke the same boundary that h and i have tried to establish for years.
it's crazy making - and much as i am trying to detach, this comes up periodically and i think a lot of what was going on behind my posts was the anxiety that comes up in me when i have to deal with them. i know it is my problem to fix - and i intend to talk about it with iC on friday
yes, i admit that even after all this time the same anxiety that was at it's peak for all the years of our marriage still gets triggered off. i thought i had a handle on it all these months - while h was much more in withdrawal - but now suddenly he's making things chaotic and it's coming up again.
i think it's connected with his recent visit with ow. he's trying to push my buttons big time here - testing me, to see if i am going to react. it's pissing me off. i think during the call tonight i'm going to tell him he needs to deal with this and i want no part of it.
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
