I hope you will come back b/c I believe your M can be saved. Nothing about DBing should go against Christian belief. I encourage you to fill your time with your children first and then with church activities & study classes. You can grow spiritually and it will take focus off the W.
I would like to make a suggestion, even though you are probably not leaving any more roses on her pillow now. If there is a possibility that she had a cancer scare (or worse, the test came back positive) and if you never asked her about it.......she will not be able to get past that fact. Even if the two of you try to make the M work, that one thing will be a big hindrance for her. I believe you were showing you cared by leaving a rose, but the DBing way (and the Christian way) is simlply ask her if she received bab news. If she didn't, tell her you are glad. If she did, then she will need your support! Either way, she needs to know it matters to you.
In my signature line, I say to do what works, but there should be another line added that says, "Do the right thing".
You can still follow the 37 do's & don'ts. In fact, if you are going to stay under one roof with her.......it would be a guideline as to how to do that!
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, Good info, I did ask what happened with the results. And W responded that the results were inconclusive and doctors office said they were sending them to another lab. W does realize I'm conserned also. Another bit of info is the W is going into the same church introduction class as I did and the Pastor I'm talking with is running the class she is in. I've talked with him since and he was aware of it. At last Sunday's sermon W sat 3 ft away from me and the sermon was on raising children in a christian family. W left afterwards not saying a word and I socialized for a half hour after. For me I've had a hard time sticking to the 37 rules and last Sat. night we got in our first fight in 15 years. I was sick of how she was neglecting the kids and her Grandma while I was sleeping(I work 3rd shift for the last 3 years)with her out running around all day and I yelled at her for this and her lack of commitment to work on the marriage and stop seeing her boyfriend. I told her to leave and don't come back until she appologizes to me and everyone that was helping me. W yelled back about the last 10 years instead. I felt good afterwards, and also felt bad about some of the things I said. I'm still not sure what to do next. A week earlier (under advice from the pastor) I asked her for forgiveness for the three thing she stated in counseling(professional)and she said yes. Then a couple of minutes later she asked me to forgive her about not talking about her feeling earlier, I also said yes. That afternoon and evening were bliss, she was so thoughtfull and nice and all bubbley talking about our up coming week schedule and putting my towel in the dryer to warm it up for my shower to get ready for work. Then as I'm getting ready to leave she says"I don't want you to think things are alright, I right now don't feel ant hope". Ughh!
M44 / W43 Married 24 / Together 24.5 S12 S7 ILYBNILWY/Bomb: 4-15-2012 Counseling started 5-1-2012 Counseling ended 6-7-2012
"I don't want you to think things are alright, I right now don't feel ant hope". Ughh!
Most, if not all WAS say this. Mine certainly did. It is the "false hope" mantra.
It is great that you both were able to forgive each other. I gather that you felt that this was your sign that everything was fine. It took many years for your M to get to this point. Rome wasn't built in a day and neither will your M be fixed in a day. It takes time. A lot of it.
What is your plan from this point forward?
I see a lot of focus on your W and the things that she is doing or has done. How did you contribute to the demise of your M and more importantly, what are you doing about them?
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
^^^^^ so true! Mine said those very words, "I don't want you to have false hope.". Today, I had coffee and bagels with him at his invitation! He was very sweet and thoughtful and when we had to part, hugged and kissed me good bye. Things can change. Just as we don't know what the future holds, neither do they!
Hang in there and be a good friend.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
"W is going into the same church introduction class as I did and the Pastor I'm talking with is running the class she is in."
If the subject is church doctrine, it shouldn't be a problem. But if the subject was on R's and/or the class was in a very small room....that might make you feel uncomfortable, IDK. But if you want to attend that church, then I say go for it. Trust me, if she feels tense, she'll find another one or stop going.
"Sat. night we got in our first fight in 15 years. I was sick of how she was neglecting the kids and her Grandma while I was sleeping(I work 3rd shift for the last 3 years)with her out running around all day and I yelled at her for this and her lack of commitment to work on the marriage and stop seeing her boyfriend. I told her to leave and don't come back until she appologizes to me and everyone that was helping me."
This was not good to do. It only felt better momentarily b/c of the pressure you released while yelling. Plus, never give her an ultimatum like that...or she's very likely to do it.
Establishing boundaries (if she doesn't know what they are) should always be done in very calm discussions. Standing your ground should be with a soft, but stern, voice.
Are you sure you were upset at her neglecting her GM and children, or was it anger over the A? What does she do in the evenings while you work?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
"If the subject is church doctrine, it shouldn't be a problem. But if the subject was on R's and/or the class was in a very small room....that might make you feel uncomfortable, IDK. But if you want to attend that church, then I say go for it. Trust me, if she feels tense, she'll find another one or stop going."
It was a indoctrine type class and I was not in that with W
"Are you sure you were upset at her neglecting her GM and children, or was it anger over the A? What does she do in the evenings while you work?"
It was purely her neglect, and as what she does in the evenings IDK, I would guess texting and FBook activity.
M44 / W43 Married 24 / Together 24.5 S12 S7 ILYBNILWY/Bomb: 4-15-2012 Counseling started 5-1-2012 Counseling ended 6-7-2012
"This was not good to do. It only felt better momentarily b/c of the pressure you released while yelling. Plus, never give her an ultimatum like that...or she's very likely to do it."
W can move out any time she wants. But I cannot afford to support her. She knows that. I want to get away, but two things: 1. I don't want to be the one who walks out, s12 & s7 would see that. 2. I can't afford to support the household where the family would live and an apt.
I really wish W would give in and move in w/ BF. She's the one giving up!
M44 / W43 Married 24 / Together 24.5 S12 S7 ILYBNILWY/Bomb: 4-15-2012 Counseling started 5-1-2012 Counseling ended 6-7-2012
