Swimming with the Turtles

[zig]

zig, you make your changes for you, you work on what you know you need to work on to become a better person and sometimes that creates changes in the relationship. We do all hope for that.

But if I feel good about me and the changes I've made and it doesn't affect the relationship, I'm not going to turn myself into a pretzel trying to find the thing that will change the relationship.

I'm also not going to do something that's not in my best interests.

i feel a bit misunderstood here labug - and for all i know i'm being defensive - but here goes. i'm don't think i'm doing this BECAUSE i'm trying to change h or the relationship.

god knows - the changes i've made haven't made a hill of beans of difference to what h is continuing to do. my usual reaction would have been to "change" for a while, get what i wanted and then revert to my old ways.

being nice and flexible and loving are all huge 180's for me. i didn't do them to try and get h back - i did them because i 'woke up" and realized that i never wanted to be that old way again. i realized that no matter what he did, i would take the higher road and in spite of what he did i would still take the higher road.

granted, i am beginning to realize that taking the higher road also includes that i take care of myself - as you put it - what's not in my best interest.

well sadly - right now, i will admit that i don't know what's in my best interest here, and that's what i'm trying to figure out.

If the above has been H's pattern, why and/or how would YOU change it?
i'm not trying to change his pattern - i was trying to change the pattern.i don't expect him to agree to it or want it or care for it. i want to do it for myself - i want to know that no matter what he does, i am capable of taking the higher road and letting them be together if they want to.

this discussion has been really good for me - i can't say that i have full clarity on it, but i can say it's helped me to see where i short change myself and have always done with h - lack of boundaries and lack of knowing where and how to set them?

actually -- for months it was all very clear, and then i decided to be more relaxed about it and that's when it seems that things went downhill? or did they? all i know is that after i started h has been more relaxed when he comes to the house, and s has been less pained at transition time.

thanks for taking the time to go through this with me. i feel that i am resisting something somewhere within myself - i do seem to be arguing amy point to you, which is a good indication that i am not getting the message. so i'll read through again and see if i can get what you're saying in a different way.