I just took the time to read your ENTIRE sitch this time - from day one to present. As far as DB'ing goes - I think I can confidently state that you may very well be my hero.
I say that because as I read through every twist a turn of your situation I repeatedly saw shadows of what I have been through and what I am going through.
The endless ups and downs....stuggling to find meaning in everything that w says or does. Periods of great hope followed by gut-wrenching emotional crashes. Avoiding conflict and confrontation to keep w from getting upset...and ultimately losing as a result. Sruggling with the impact the situation has on children (my son is 2 and was 16 months when W dropped the bomb)....LITB, you have lived everything that I have been through and continue to experience.
I, too, go through periods where W and I get along and there is no rift between us -- then something happens (typically something that goes against what my W was expecting or wanting) and we crash back into silence, anger and hurt feelings. During the periods when we are getting along my mind always seems to want to fast-forward to that meaning somewhere there is a spark in her that WANTS to R - then I get hopes....then I crash. Over and over again. You dif this too, it appears. My w never moved 1,100 miles away - but even 20 will hurt if it means you get less time with your son.
You should probably change your name to "Iron Man" because I honestly think you have taken about every emotional beating that a man can face in this process and somehow maintained the strength to hold together, focus on your kids and navigate through the pain, confusion and sadness. I admire you tremendously for that - the strength that it takes to do that is not wasted on me or any other LBS on this board that still loves their spouse.
True to what the vets say (25 et. al.) it seems that when you really let go and accepted the finality of everything your whole situation changed. You were truly happy and really didn't care if your M was restored. I pray for the day when I make it to that level - after 9 months on this ride it seems as if I will never be there. I have my days of strength, then have days that seems like I am dangling over the precipice of an epic backslide.
Your ability to flip the switch and take a stand for yourself without concern over how your W would react is inspiring. Yet, at the same time, you still felt for your wife, her pain and what she was going through.
You are also a living testament to patience and the power of letting go of the WAW. I still struggle with it and operate thinking that there is something that I can say or do that will change the course of my situation. Almost as if I am just a few well-thought out remarks away from getting my w to open her heart back to me. Academically, I know this is not possible. Emotionally, I keep thinking it is.
You did the impossible - it seems as if somehow you balanced love and hope with the acceptance of your w's actions and the ability dig up your stakes and move on....all while maintaing a great love for your children and becoming a better father and individual.
I will probably be going back to your threads a lot for inspiration. Today I was *this* close to sending my w a note about my feelings and how I am without her and S in my life. MAJOR backslide....MAJOR. I am glad I revisited your posts before I did.
Thank you for sharing all that you have been through. I appreciate it. I am doing all that I can to stay on track.
Crimson
Wow, I am kind of thrown back by your kind words Crimson. Thank you for taking the time to read my entire sitch and taking the time for your articulate post. I truly and sincerely appreciate it.
There is quite a bit to touch on in your post. I will respond in detail soon.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I still struggle with it and operate thinking that there is something that I can say or do that will change the course of my situation. Almost as if I am just a few well-thought out remarks away from getting my w to open her heart back to me. Academically, I know this is not possible. Emotionally, I keep thinking it is.
This was me. This was soooooooooooo me!!!
We can't talk, or write, or do-good-works, nor "Nice Guy" our wayward spouses back to us. On the MLC forum, they have a saying -- "This is THEIR journey, not ours" and I think it fits. All you can do is work on YOU -- those authentic things about yourself that you really do think you need to work on (not some "re-writing of marital history," affair-fogged complaints, but the GENUINE improvements we need to make for OURSELVES).
And then let them go.
Ever see the movie "Swingers"? There's a classic scene in there where the one guy is telling the other guy that it's only when you've truly let her go, that she'll want you. It's SO true.
You have done a hard thing, you deserve to be be proud. You and your wife both. On her part it is hard, capital H hard to eat pride, soemtimes it is easy to keep moving forward even if a choice is a bad one than to own up to it.
Showing that it is possible and giving hope, also very cool.
To me Piecing was the real journey the hard one I 'm going to suggest highly to you that you avail yourself of that forum with some other trenchmates and posters there. 25, Kalani, Starsky just to name a few.
Piecing to me was harder, because I KNEW I could walk away and be fine. She had shown she could already, we had to learn how to communicate, we had to learn NOT to be afraid to argue and fight, and we had to understand that compromise for both parties was a must.
Enjoy this moment, this time, revel in it and know there is alos a place for help on this part of the journey as well. : )
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Ironically, Starsky, I have never seen that movie - but it was one of my wife's favs.
Thanks for chiming in on my blurb above ^^^^. (Sorry to hi-jack LITB). "This is THEIR journey, not ours" is probably a good mantra for me to keep. I really struggle with detaching - though I am getting better with help from the folks here. Like I said, I always think in good times I am one brilliant utterance away from getting my W to have the "AH HA!!" moment where she realizes she wants me in her life.
I know I can't "say" or "do" my way out of this - but I think that it helps that I have tucked away my anger and have sucessfully learned to differentiate between her and her L. I also think it helps that I have managed to avoid fights and the "bait" to get into them for months....even when she is going off on me. Anger, it seems, is easier for me to manage and contain that love. Odd, no?
Anyhoooo....sorry for the interruption, back to LITB's regularly scheduled programming.
You have done a hard thing, you deserve to be be proud. You and your wife both. On her part it is hard, capital H hard to eat pride, soemtimes it is easy to keep moving forward even if a choice is a bad one than to own up to it.
Showing that it is possible and giving hope, also very cool.
To me Piecing was the real journey the hard one I 'm going to suggest highly to you that you avail yourself of that forum with some other trenchmates and posters there. 25, Kalani, Starsky just to name a few.
Piecing to me was harder, because I KNEW I could walk away and be fine. She had shown she could already, we had to learn how to communicate, we had to learn NOT to be afraid to argue and fight, and we had to understand that compromise for both parties was a must.
Enjoy this moment, this time, revel in it and know there is alos a place for help on this part of the journey as well. : )
Thank you for dropping in J3B. It is very much appreciated. I have read a lot of your posts and your story on your own sitch. I have a lot of respect for you.
I am more than open to advice from those that have taken the road before me. You are right, I can see how piecing will be more difficult. I find myself being guarded and less vulnerable. It will take a lot of time, patience, compassion, and understanding to heal our M.
Thanks again.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Thanks for chiming in on my blurb above ^^^^. (Sorry to hi-jack LITB)
No worries. Since you fellas are talking about movies, it is the perfect opportunity to share one of my favorite movie clips that is in a thread buried somewhere.....
If memory serves me correctly, this was posted by MrBond. I'm too lazy to take the time to search his bazillion posts to confirm.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
As I said earlier in the thread, LITB, this is very inspirational. My wife's even moved ~1000 miles away, so nice to see that not even that has to be insurmountable!
What's truly instructional to me is the time involved - Filed in March 11, decided to try again May 12. 14 months. I know another couple that was apart for that long. So... here's hoping I'll be posting a similar thread sometime next April...
Me: 36 Her: 35 Together 7/09 Married 8/7/10 Separate rooms since at least April 11 "I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11 She moves out of state/files 2/7/12 Dissolution final 5/12
