Swimming with the Turtles

[zig]

[censored] my posts are too long what is the deal with me, why can i not write more concisely?

just to add another layer - i described how i have been behaving with h - to my IC today - and she applauded me on staying consistent and friendly and pleasant NO MATTER WHAT h is doing.

she observed that even though he did a shameful thing last week, i stayed consistent. she thought that chastising him in any way would just be damaging. she also pointed out that if i could keep doing this in the face of all this, it would be the best thing for son. i described how i have offered that we are more flexible with s and she thought it was a great thing to do.

we talked about it in the context of agape, and i said how i felt that i was doing this from a place of love rather than because i wanted h to change his mind.

she also pointed out that h's warmer behavior yesterday was like a child who had known he had done something bad, and was coming back to check where i stood on the issue.

i asked her whether my continuing to be really nice and friendly in the face of that was enabling him to continue what he was doing. her answer was a bit obscure - she said you have 2 choices either to chastise him directly or indirectly (by being cool) or staying consistent in your behavior no matter what is going on. she thought the second choice was a better one for me

she asked me which of us i felt needed the other ones approval or disapproval. i said i thought that i didn't seek his approval, as much as he sought mine, in some way. she replied that in all our talks that was the sense she had also. that even while he's doing this, he comes checking back in to see where i stand. we talked about how in the past, i showed so much disapproval about so many things, and that my "doing something different" here as been to stay consistently pleasant friendly and supportive no matter what

i admitted to her today, that i feel almost done - that i almost couldn't care less that he's having the affair, and that i'm trying to figure out whether i'm shutting down because the hurt is just too much, or because i'm truly detaching to the point where i am now willing to lose this.

i have to confess - that recently i feel as if i'm about to plunge into the WAW role myself.

maybe it's part of the whole cycle the LBS goes through also.

we also talked about how i have just discovered about myself that it is very easy for me to deal with physical challenges but absolutely not at all with emotional ones. and i think that's where the real work lies for me - to be able to stabilize myself emotionally - and after all these months, it seems as if i'm just starting the work - it has taken this long just for me to get to the starting point of what really needs to be dealt with within myself.

all of this has made me realize that wanting h to come back is moot in the face of what i really have to deal with and that's why i have really dropped the rope. i have no business being in a r right now - i have to build a relationship with myself first.