I can use this as an opptunity to practice grace, forgivess, and love nstead of getting upset at his actions, reacting to him out of what I think he deserves based on his current actions, I just thought in this moment what can I learn, how can I grow. So I'm not even thinking about seeing him tonight in terms of how he'll think of me and what I can project I'm just thinking how can I grow? how is this an opportunity for me!
So this was my latest revelation.
Some of my favourites were: Even if we don't get back together I want to be his friend.
Everyday I want to get to the end of the day and think This is what I was proud of doing this, today I gave love by doing this and today I am thankful/grateful for this.
Soooooooo.....
The man has come and gone and I am remarkably normal and happy. He came over played with the dog. He talked to S about our weekend then S asked him how his was. I kinda held my breath. He mentioned an event he went to last night. I had assumed they'd go there because it's was related to her interest and her field of work. It was very funny, because it was bad weather and he was basically saying how miserable he was and how they had to see x happen. I started laughing and saying how everyone at work was excited about it and I rolled my eyes. And I said oh and don't forget it's happening again on..and he interrupted and said Oh I know all about it. and said the name of the event which I didn't even know.
anyway this was funny because in the beginning I accidentally say his ebay and there was a lot of this sort of stuff related, but perhaps his interest was shortlived. But again old patterns he's doing things because of the person.
The whole time he talked about an event they went together I was very normal. It wasn't a big deal. Obviously I know they're together, no point in acting like he's being mean by talking about it.
He volunteered to do some gardening. I told him I was planning to do it and he said I'm here it'll take me 10 mins. I said actually there's a lot to do. He did it. I helped, but stayed out of his way.
He came back in and I thanked him a few times. He said a few times that he didn't realize how much there was and I thanked him. Said that I was planning to do it. He said don't be silly you couldn't have done this. I might as well. Later he said right, good to see you guys and almost kill myself with the hedge trimmer. and I said thank you for volunteering to almost kill yourself and he laughed.
I said I'd done that DIY he acted a bit surprised. He commented on a new item I'd bought for the house. Said in a strange pouty voice "that's a really nice xx" I said, "oh, yeah, I like it" without saying where I'd bought it or going over board that he liked it.
I gave him some mail that had come and something else of his. I mentioned something else I had that I couldn't find and he said oh, I don't think...you can keep that. It's not a big deal. He was responding as if I was acting being overly I don't want anything of yours that's not mine which I have to admit is typical Brit territory self righteous etc. Instead of explaining myself because I had put it right there to give to him and then lost it which is why I mentioned it, I cracked a joke (Michele style) and said hey do want a big plate...(it was a gift from his mom that we didn't want and never used) I said I've got a really big plate you might need a big plate one day...just take the big plate (what his mom had said) and he grinned at me. Massive huge happy grin that I haven't seen since I don't know when. And instead of commenting and saying I haven't seen that in so long which is something he used to do I remember when you used to smile at me like that, I just turned and walked into the kitchen and starting making our dinner. Because he was on his way out.
Because I was busy when he said okay I guess I'm off I just glanced up and said see ya...no hug!
I feel like I was detached but nice. I acted with the kind eyes Grace talks about. He saw things are moving on..I buy stuff without telling him, I fix stuff on my own, I did one small thing wrong I mentioned that a guy I know has started a gardening/landscape business and I was thinking of talking to him about prices and he said oh S can do this, if I can do this S can do it. I didn't like that in a way I'd consulted him about decisions.
Anyway I'm feeling pretty amazing. I can handle this. I can operate in love, forgiveness, and unselfishness.
