Swimming with the Turtles

[zig]

i had thought that i was being less resistant - because i can't say that i have NOT been possessive of my limited time with s.

Why do you think sticking to the agreement you've made makes you possessive? You can certainly be open to changes, but your time with S is your time with S.

you're right , it is

i'm trying to be more generous of my time with him - to maybe show by example to h that we can be kinder in this sitch to each other.

Are you being generous because that's what you want to do or because you want to teach a lesson?

actually because i wanted to be generous - especially to s. i can see him missing his dad and how delighted he was last friday to spend a couple of hours with him. also, we talk a lot here about how when we change it can/might instigate change in the other person. is that wrong to want? h has deliberately kept his life with s separate from my life with s for years. should i continue that pattern, in fact, as you suggest insist on it?

does the fact that i have noticed h liking the extra time with s, influence your thoughts on it at all.

Are you fixing things for H? Discounting yourself to make his life better?

a few weeks ago, when it was my turn with s, fil called and asked if s could come over because his sisters were in town and really wanted to see s. i asked if h had seen them (h's aunts) and fil said yes he did already a couple of days earlier

do you not find it ridiculous on some level, that h felt he could not ask me to get s to go over for family stuff and his dad had to ask me as if i was doing everyone a favor by allowing it?

There's a lot of mindreading here. Do you see that?

How did you stop H from asking to have S visit?

you're right, i was mind reading - i didn't prevent h from doing that, he chose not to on his own accord, and then fil asked at the last minute when he realized that his sisters would be leaving without getting to see s, if he didn;t call and ask me

i DON'T want to be placed in that position. this was my solution to it. maybe i'm wrong and someone is going to tell me that yes keep it that way - let him see the reality of the sitch.

What position don't you want to be placed in?

well the reality is that every one thinks i'm so controlling that his family always asks my permission before they ask h. even his sister only asked me if she could come for s's birthday. i ask them why they are asking me and shouldn't they be asking h, and they insist that they want the answer from me not him

You can't control what they think of you.

All you can do is be aware of your motives, act from a true heart and do what's best for you and S.

If it's your time with S, why shouldn't they ask you and not H?

i can accept that, but when it comes to his birthday, sil didn't even know where s was going to be and didn't seem to want to find that out first.

so am i controlling when i offer to open up the sitch and allow h more freedom with s, in a way in terms of time spent together?

Are you doing it to teach H a lesson?

GOOD GRIEF, NO - i honestly saw it as seeing how much he missed s and not wanting that for them. i suppose as i wrote that i realize that i'm trying to make things better for h and for s? at my own expense?

Are you doing it to be seen as not controlling by his family?

absolutely not - i was doing it to not feel that I WAS CONTROLLING

Rally being honest about my motivations has been one of the most difficult thing I've had to because it's made me see a darker side of myself.

actually - i think i'm beginning to realize that it's the opposite for me - i am so over giving - at the total expense of myself and what is good for me. it's odd, because in the process of answering your questions step by step, i realized that rather than this being some kind of manipulation on my part, what's coming to the surface for me is that even now during this horrendous sitch that h has created, i am still trying to GIVE to both of them out of the goodness of my heart at the expense of myself.

But I needed to shine a light on it to be able to change.

thanks labug. it's odd - my horoscope has been talking about this - not to give so much of myself that there is not the right things left for me.