Beatrice, thank you for your thoughtful comments. Your comment, "Even if they are not changed by the experience, we are," really struck a chord with me. I don't see any life altering changes in my H, but WOW, how his decision has changed my life completely. I am sure the wise, experienced DBing vets would say oh for the better eventually, if we do our work. And I get that in theory, just not yet in mind and heart. The lack of any control in my situation is hard for me. I hate the whole image of being a victim and whole heartedly agree this mentality is not healthy or productive, so one needs to move along and make something good of it. My reality at this current moment in time feels like I have been handed something from my H (one could argue that it is a "gift" of sorts or maybe an opportunity) but I don't like it, and I want to give it back to him. It's like being given a 5000 piece puzzle to complete with no choice in the matter. I look at it daunted by the enormity and work involved, patience it would take to complete, attention to detail. You get the picture. And I don't have the option to give back the puzzle. I am forced to take it and make something of it, and he likely will not offer to find or place any of the pieces to help me. Arghhhhhh!
I'd like to scream from the rafters, "don't I have any say in this????"
NDfarmer and seeking answers, I too wanted to be that intact family......a solid foundation for love and security in this crazy, unpredictable world. To give that up for what? My H thankfully isn't doing any crazy stuff (at least not obvious that I or our boys can see) I just can't imagine the reward or gain in this for him?!? Different rose colored glasses I guess. Maybe we need to work on a revision of our future dreams. I don't know what that would look like exactly or how to do it, but I know one thing for sure, it probably isn't a good idea that five years from now, we are still thinking about the same impossible dreams we have today. Seeking answers, sounds like this is what you have been doing, dreaming new dreams. Good for you. I hope I get there.
