I've been doing some serious thinking over the past two days. Trying to analyze my sitch and get my head around some things...
@Figg.. there is no R with the father of SS and SD. That's a non-starter. The last thing he will do is give up his time so I can have some. No, the only time I will get is time that is now my STBX's.
Are you comfortable with approaching him? Maybe he would be willing to work out a plan with you. Is it worth a try or is he closed to you?
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To the other suggestion about weekends... that's worse frankly for having a life. I have our S two weekends a month. Now add SS and SD on a third weekend? Now I really get no life... while my STBX gets three kid-less weekends.
Maybe you can find a way to schedule it on a weekend or two where you get all of the kids together, then she is responsible through the week. Then the kids can have a stable week of no back and forth. I can tell you now that it's hard to get a judge to agree to that schedule. I tried to do this with my ex and the judge would not have it, and told us that sending our D back and forth to two homes so often was not healthy for her. Your ex may have to change her schedule around even if she doesn't want to.
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And frankly the problem isn't the kids. It isn't that I spend time with the kids or want to be with the kids. The problem is how I interact with her. It's not a problem that I have them while she works. It's not even a problem that I drop them off at her place and put them to bed. It's that she engages me in this need-based conversation because she lacks emotional support elsewhere. And I allow the engagement to continue.
Because there are no boundaries, and she feels no boundaries. It also does not help that you are inside of her home. She left the home that you two shared together in order to seek space. But she's not getting that because you are still going into her home. She doesn't know what it's like to live alone, and at this point she can only imagine it. Filing for divorce to her is going to be cake, because she knows you are her fall guy. Her safety net. So why not go on with the divorce? You will be there for emotional support when she needs you. You will be there when her friends don't pick up the phone. You will be there when she needs a nap...etc. This divorce thing is going to work for her because you will be there when she starts dating (as Figg put it) plan a.
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Call me stupid or old-fashioned or whatnot... I still have a hard time not acting like a husband when I am one. I know I'm not in her eyes, but I am one. By tomorrow evening I won't be one legally... or I will be but one that is legally separated from his spouse.
I totally understand this I know that it was hard for me to not want to be my ex's wife. When we divorced, he actually asked me if I'd help him do a load of his laundry because he was running behind on work. I obliged, thinking that if he could only see how much I love him, how good I am to him that he would change. But no, he didn't. I stopped doing things for him, and it was painful to finally realize my own behavior. Divorce however is not always the end. Many people wake up after the D. My ex did, about 8 months post divorce he wanted it all back but by that time I had moved across state and got on with my life.
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Last night she called me and asked what I was doing. I said I was busy. Her and the kids were down watching a friend's softball game. S was bored and getting antsy and annoying. According to her he asked to come over to my place (which is two blocks from the softball diamonds). I told her I was busy and couldn't. It's funny how her tone went from chipper/chatty to disinterested and flat. I couldn't be of use to her... no need for pretense I guess.
Good for you, WHG.
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We meet at 10:30 to sign the papers. Guess that's my birthday present to her. Whatever. I've been on and off a mess since Sunday about it. It changes nothing. It simply codifies what is already reality.
I'm so sorry. I am sending a prayer up for you, for strength and peace.
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But it still breaks my heart. Sort of wish I didn't have to come home to all the kids here. Don't suspect I'll be in a great mood to be a dad tomorrow. At the same time I can't think of anyone else I'd really rather be with on that day. Double-edged sword I guess.
Maybe do something fun. Get out of the house, see a movie, go skating, or anything. I know it sounds so freaking cliche' but being out can really help.