Swimming with the Turtles

[zig]

recently i decided that one of my short term goals (actually my only one!) would be to try and change the dynamics of the relationship between the 3 of us. i suggested to h that maybe we should be more flexible and that s can move more freely between us during each week. there had been this unspoken rule all these months that when s is here , he's mine and when he's with h he's only h's.

h has wanted to keep things very very separate. the result turned out not to be so good and i think he's realized it now. s's response was to be 2 different people - he was his original self the week he was here, and then this other kid the week he was with h

i'm waiting to see how it works out - i want to say that h seems to like it and seems more relaxed with it, and even appreciative - but ow's trip did just coincide with it.

i think - and i know that it maybe considered mind reading - but i've started to wonder whether h has felt so guilty about taking s away from me that he feels he has no right to s when it's my time with him. i will say that in the beginning i was so deeply torn up about being separated from s in that way, that i was a mess and h was agonized by that. i'm in a very different place now, and have worked through that and actually feel pretty alright and independent of s's physical presence or absence here.

so the summer plan which isn't concrete yet - i have suggested that s moves more freely between the 2 houses - and is a bit with both of us almost everyday no matter which house he's at.

this may NOT be considered good DB'ing - and i'm probably going to get an earful from everyone - but it's part of my dropping the rope, the way i see it. it's also an attempt to allow s to become more consistent in his personality, because then he'll have to settle into one as he moves back and forth.

i'm trying something different, because i've been sensing that me keeping s to myself is being interpreted as resistance to h, and defensiveness.

what will be interesting to see is whether h actually does it _he's sort of agreed verbally. because that would require a lot more contact (i'm not sure how i feel about that) and some more commitment on his part, where he has to be ready to arrange things on a daily basis, rather than put them off for days at a time.

i'm not pressuring him to do this. i just threw it out there casually, and the only thing i've done after that is text him last friday saying "if you want to hang out with s, just call" i was surprised that he did and came over and took s for a couple of hours. i could see that he felt really good and so did son (agape?) and only later i found out that ow was here.

so that made me feel funny - i felt a bit misled and that i may have inadvertently given him an opportunity to feel like he could have it all - s's company and her around?

then i found myself thinking - why don't i look at it from another perspective (and anyone can whack me here if i'm not getting it) . by allowing that, could i possibly have given h an opportunity to feel good about something I did, while he was with ow? it meant a lot to him to be with s - in spite of what he says, i think that is when he misses s the most.

so that's part of the plan

any thoughts, anyone

thanks
zig