Not Being A Victim

[BklynMom]

I have had a moment of clarity. I know in my heart that the number 1 reason I want my H to come back to our marriage is because he is an amazing man and my best friend. He is my partner is everything. He has help me sort through life for 10 years, his my main man and I am his. I know this.

The 2nd Reason I want my H to return is because he is the father of my beautiful girls and he is a great Dad.

#3 Intimate Companionship

But reason #4 was the revelation. Reason #4 I try to hide deep in my soul so that no one can see it. Reason #4 is that I want my H to come back so that the family picture is pretty and complete. Reason #4 is small selfish reason that I didnt even admit to anyone including myself until tonight. But one person knows all about #4. He knew before I did. The sad thing is, is my H thinks reason #4 makes up 90% of the why pie, when in fact it is only a very tiny sliver.

I need to show him through my behavior, that I truly believe he is wonderful man regardless of this crisis. I need to show him that I dont love him or want him to fulfill some ideal fantasy family photo. He knows me better then I know me. He can sense my every desire. I believe if I can purge reason #4 and mediate on reason 1 & 3 before each interaction with him slowly he will open his eyes again and see his loving wife waiting patiently for him.

(now the fantasy - Then he will come to my window one night and blast In Your Eyes on his boom box)