I made an appt to meet with a L. I didn't ever plan on telling anyone unless it was necessary so that advice offered was one I was planning on anyway.

I feel like I just got pounded by a ton of bricks. I just saw my boys for the first time since Sunday. My W told the kids last night, showed them her new home. I'll know more tomorrow when the kids and I have more time to talk about it, but as my W put it to them - it was a mutual agreement between us.

My S12 asked who's idea it was and as careful as I've been trying to be for the past two years, I told him not mine. I made sure to tell him that the reason we're telling them it was a mutual decision was because I know it's what my W wants and I'm not going to fight her about it. I told them they didn't do anything wrong, their both great kids and I loved them very much. I told them I'd be here for them always, that this is the last time they will see me crying about this. That what we do from here on out will be ours to share in together and we're going to make an adventure out of it together.

I've held back tears when my only aunt passed away a little over a month ago because my school and work schedule refused to give me time. Buckling S6 seat belt and hugging S12 goodbye is too dang much and I want so bad to keep crying as I'm writing here, but I feel like i can't because I have so much to do. I have school work I have to focus on in order to meet this weeks deadline and I have a hockey game tonight and i don't even feel like playing.

I feel like because I don't want people to see me sad, that I can't see myself sad. I love my son's so much. I hate seeing them cry like this. They are staying with my W tonight, but I have a feeling she hasn't told them yet she was going out tonight with friends so their sleepover at the friends house is nothing more than a glorified babysitting session. The kids need their mother and she's going out. UN-FLIPPING-REAL! She won't even see them for more than an hour after they just had their hearts torn to sheds a second time in under 24 hours! <venting>

I'm concerned I'm going to be asked by S12 about the OM/EA, but I still don't think it's a safe place to venture. He's at the age where what I say will be taken to heart, as he understands it, and gets thrown at his mom.

I don't know where I've been for the past year, but I have to get back to it. I need to get back to my inner peace and harmony, if not for me, then for my boys.