Stand up. Poor and tired, but more than this.

[LIO]

Journal: Just checking in...

I am too impatient for patience! More reading....
It's been what, 4 months of rude attitude from him to me (which he has stopped).
3 weeks since H moved out
just 2 days since H initiated sex (but no ILY, kisses, hugs, etc)
and I'm sitting here getting frustrated that he is still in that apartment, and frustrated at myself for not being patient!

Today: H was late, and indirectly said that I was upset because he was 'controlling' all his money and I didn't like his choices.
I lapsed.... I said: 'no, it's not about what choices you make, it's your money, you do what you want with it. I get frustrated when I see that [damaged] vehicle you drive in, knowing that we are now both so tight with money (it's a HUGE danger at this point - very unsafe) when we could have easily afforded to get something else, and that I made it so you felt like you couldn't tell me that you didn't like what I did with our money, or that you couldn't tell me to back off when I was too needy. And I'm ready to sell this house and move by the end of summer and I don't know what you are planning on, but I'm going with S, and I want you to be there, but that's your choice, and I can't mind read and I hope that you can tell me directly what it is that you need...

I left for the gym, and let him be. I needed to chill out. I lapsed into 'telling him' what to do and what I was going to do. BAH.
I was reading last night here in another thread about someone putting out a 'annoyance' and the other person taking care of it. The first person never got the opportunity to experience the journey. I need to learn patience... and let others fix their own stuff. It's not my responsibility to worry about his vehicle. I know this.

I think I set myself up for stress today by having 'too' much to do and I have another meeting with an agent in 1 hour for the house. I need to take a mental health day and just enjoy it.


He did make me lunch afterwards (he used to 4 months ago).
H asked me to rent a movie series for Saturday. Probably more for S and him, but I will get it.

This afternoon, I made it a point to laugh more with him and S in our brief interaction before he headed out.

To do:
Appreciate the small moments and stop verbally vomiting! I did not call/email/text though. That part is getting easier.
Let him make his own choices. He knows what I'm working on.