Any WAS's with success stories? I need to hear it!

[25yearsmlc]

CV, thanks so much for responding. There are 3 sides to every story... Hers, mine, and the truth. So you can take this as my side, but we didn't have years to go by that she felt that I was "pulling the hairs out one by one". Less that 6 months after we were married, she gave me the ILYBNILWY speech.

that's pretty fast and early on. WHY did she say she was unhappy?

I read all of THIS thread but assume there's another one?? Anyhow, I found little or nothing of you owning your stuff. Sure, You pay lip service to it but what, specifically, is it you are working on IN YOU?

Here's the crucial KEY to realize:

If your w does not feel marriage to you will be better/different, than she's not likely to return. Period.

So what are YOU CHANGING to reveal this new relationshiop to her?



Many issues started this, but i truly feel this was a by product of her undiagosed depression.


"Many issues....BUT" and then you point at HER....look, I'm not into assigning blame but that's pretty much all you are doing in this thread. Assigning blame TO HER

and she's the one person in this situation YOU have NO control over, so, back to YOU....

and btw, a recent study revealed that 90% of women who take anti depressants OR who suffer from depression, have spouses that fit the behavioral criteria for being "critical people"...

She was addicted to non-narcotic pain pills,

what "none narcotic pain pills" was she "addicted" to? I happen to be familiar with this subject matter, and off the top of my head I can't think of one that fits that description.

So my next question is, Who diagnosed this addiction? How did it get treated? Were you supportive in her recovery program? Attend any NA meetings?


came off those only to be addicted to something alot worse. When she came off those, for the reason of us being able to have another child, the wd's were terrible. (cold turkey).

wow, so
she went off of one medication "Only to be addicted to something a lot worse" that remains nameless...(were they narcotics? Benzos? What?)

What's with going cold turkey? WHY? If she went off either of those meds, cold turkey, her blood pressure would go up and she could suffer so much more by doing it that way. Withdrawal from benzodiazapines can be fatal. IF she had been pregnant and gone cold turkey, the odds of a miscarriage are much higher.

I was taking narcotic pain medication for a ruptured disk, when I learned I was pregnant. I learned that opiates themselves, (i.e., narcotics) do not cause birth defects, but the child would be born dependent on them. and would have to be weaned, which sounded like a real drag for a newborn.

So I went off the pain meds when I discovered I was pregnant and I curtailed many of my activities due to increased back pain, which was then not being treated.

B/c of the side effects of withdrawal which sukk big time anyhow -much worse than most imagine-

I had to be hospitalized, w/BP and vitals taken every 30 minutes, so that I would not miscarry (b/c among other things, blood pressure sky rockets in opiate withdrawal and that leads to miscarriages).


So my gut reaction, which is biased/informed, I admit, is that your wife went thru hell, alone, when she could have used a lot more medical and emotional support.

The fact she did this cold turkey speaks volumes about how little insight there was on your end or hers, unless she felt she "deserved" the hell of cold turkey b/c she felt ashamed. Shame is a huge reason many people don't seek out help for this. And shame is depressing.

If she were really physically addicted, whose idea was it that she go cold turkey? WHY? Why not get help? ALSO-since she was taking PAIN medication I'm assuming she had some actual pain. Chronic pain is also very depressing.

Is anything being done to treat the underlying cause of her physical pain?

so, where's the part where you "own" your flaws and are working on them?

BTW- There are almost zero success stories of addicts recovering by cold turkey methods alone...no wonder the woman was depressed. THAT ITSELF is very depressing...



thigs got better with us for a couple weeks, and it has been downhill ever since. Things she complained about were issues I had the entire time like spending time together, not communicating., ect...

Did she relapse?

You are VAGUE here about her complaints. She said you did not communicate or spend enough time with her? Is that it?

Those are not small items. It hurts to feel ignored. It feels like rejection. And it Sounds like she did not feel like a priority to you and that made her unhappy. No shock there. BTW, try reading "The Five Love Languages" b/c I think your w's love language is quality time together and yours isn't. I recommend the book for nearly all couples.

Instead of working on THOSE issues she complained of, it SEEMS you believed she was wrong to feel that way b/c you make no mention of a single change to address those complaints. Somehow you conveyed to her that she needed fixing b/c she was "depressed" and "addicted" so may I assume you supported her taking medications so she'd feel better (and coincidentally, you would have to do nothing??)

Can you please explain to me how you can be married for 6 months, hear that your wife is not in love with you, have these other problems, and then decide that was a good time to start a family?

Whose idea was it to try and have a baby THEN?

If it was her idea, she was probably lonely enough to believe a baby would assuage that isolated feeling AND OR, the motivation to stay clean, is highest when a child is coming...if It was your idea, I don't know what to think.
You tell me.

After a short conversation with W last night, I have found that she blames me for the breakdown of our marriage because I couldn't compromise about things.


take this information as "intel" that has value b/c it shows you what YOU can work on. Stop blaming her or defending yourself, and start looking at things you can do something about.

Be grateful she's giving you some answers even if you don't like them. There is less mystery here than you think. And that is good news!

If she believed SHE was to blame for all of this and had no motivation to change, then it would be hopeless.

instead of wanting to be "right", try wanting to be happy.

Only if there are things YOU can change, is there really any power on your end. So if you want to blame her for all this so you can be "right", then so be it. Be right but be alone.

Be right, but powerless to do anything b/c after all, it's ALL HER fault...

or be empowered by identifying what YOU CAN WORK ON, and begin.




When I called her out about these things and the fact that of all those things, she ended up getting it the way she wanted, she then told me that it shouldn't have been a big deal to begin with.

First off, in a way she's right. If the conflicts you two had, resulted in her getting her way - it's either b/c she had good points to begin with, but your stubborness or other flaws blocked them, AND that's on YOU.

If she wasn't "right" but you simply gave in, then you clearly didn't do it with love, b/c you were so begrudging and resentful, it didn't seem like a gesture of love to her. You sure do keep score. That's a lose lose proposition btw.

And when you challenge her RECALL of the marriage or her reasons for wanting out, you get nowhere.

The more you challenge the choices she's making, the more you force her to defend them. Do you get that?


And when I told her the reasons they were a big deal for me was because I wanted to have a marriage and family, she proceeded to tell me that those are what "did it for her".

this^^ is so very vague. You just said she got her way on things and that somehow proves you are a compromising man...but then you say it was "a big deal" for you, whatever those compromises or issues were, b/c you wanted to have a family. The big deal was what? You compromising?

What are you talking about? IS there some other thread that contains the secret code here? When you resolved conflicts were you discussing a purchase of a television or car or having a child? The latter is a decision both must agree on.

Too many missing pieces of the puzzle here. But that makes me wonder why you are skimming over it...


I am so confused because after her depression kicked in from the meds,

again with the diagnosing AND mind reading and again with the "nothing YOU could have done about it" so you are NOT accountable for any of this...do
you see how self serving your diagnoses seem to be?

If you want to change your situation, change YOU. It's a tough thing to hear, but we have all been there and done that to stay married,

or we did not and we're divorced, or we changed and divorced anyhow - but are better people than before. That counts for a lot.

and even though I am not a dr., (believe it was depression, all signs and symptoms), she became a different person, not wanting all the things that made her fall in love with me from the beginning.

You said she was unhappy early in the marriage, correct? So this has been happening awhile now?

How long had you dated before marriage? WEre you a better boyfriend than husband? Do you think she expected you to improve/change after becoming a husband?


Now she is running, not walking away from our marriage without even trying anything to fix things.

given YOUR description here, what do you think would motivate her to try and fix things?

Basically after only a few short months of things not being good with us, she is adamant that she never loved me, shouldn't have said yes to proposal, and that this is better for both of us.

When were things good with you two? Your description more or less made it sound like things were rarely good.

And when things were "not good" for you, they were damn bad for her.

If she really became addicted to pain pills (though I have a lot of questions about your use of the word "addicted for a non narcotic pain pill" b/c frankly, it sounds more like someone who had under treated pain, and probably still does, but I digress)

Withdrawal, being in moderate to severe pain, chronically, are both reasons for depression in most people.

If a spouse isn't supportive of his wife in those circumstances, when you are both relatively healthy and young, it may have seemed to her she simply chose the wrong man to be her life partner. After all, what would happen if she got cancer or became wheelchair bound and was sad? Would you be "working late" a lot? I say this b/c I am wondering if those are things that might have crossed her mind...

any insight on any of this?

I know it feels like I am hitting you with a 2 x 4 and i probably am.

But you are not challenging yourself much here, at least not on this thread. You are just here venting (which is fine as long as other REAL WORK is happening) and' blaming her...

I don't see "real work" happening on your end. By that I mean working on YOU.

Have you read the Div Remedy book? What did you think of it?