Agree with jks. How can I set my boundaries and let her know these things will not continue?
When I talked to her a few weeks ago and told her about my plans to file and gave her the date I was going to file if we weren't working on the M, I reiterated that I was upset OM was around my Ds.
Since that talk, OM hasn't been around my Ds. W has been respecting my request.
Hypothetical: I send her OPTION 3. I cancel my appointment with her/drinks on Wednesday. I think she will pick up that I don't want to do anything with her. She will ask me why I am not doing anything with her. Is this when I have the R talk and set my Boundaries?
I appreciate the quick responses I am getting. It is making it easier to not quickly respond to her text.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
The course you are on now is just building resentment and anger in you.
You know you are mentally stable at this time to lead as you are full on in reaction mode.
It is very understandable. Each encounter puts you on pins and needles and has you second guessing yourself.
Eventually the anger will win over and you will be as disrespectful to your wife as she is constantly being with you.
This is what you need to nip in the bud.
But to do this takes inner strength.
And it takes time.
And it take patience with yourself.
The best way to do this is to start limiting contact with your wife. Let her live her life and you start to heal and get stronger.
Never ignore. But take time to reply. And then keep it simple and to the point, a little mystery with honesty.
This movie moment.
Make it a non moment.
Think of it as it truly is in the grand scheme of things.
A movie is not going to sway the relationship one way or the other.
So treat it as such.
If you are comfortable and display a honest I am good no matter what happens attitude then rely back that you have a full schedule and cannot make the movie.
If you are uncomfortable and an emotional wreck then rely back that you have a full schedule and cannot make the movie.
Then sit back watch and record what happens.
Do not engage.
Use your anger for yourself only. When you have doubts. Use it to be a source of strength within until you can let it go.
Anything that looks needy. Cut it out.
Those 37 rules of Sandi really help when you apply them to yourself and all your interactions with everyone around you.
And when you fall down and mess up. Do not beat yourself up. Stand up. Say I messed up. Now I will correct that and grow. I will become a better man. One I am proud of and my girls will be proud of.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
Agree with jks. How can I set my boundaries and let her know these things will not continue?
When I talked to her a few weeks ago and told her about my plans to file and gave her the date I was going to file if we weren't working on the M, I reiterated that I was upset OM was around my Ds.
Since that talk, OM hasn't been around my Ds. W has been respecting my request.
Hypothetical: I send her OPTION 3. I cancel my appointment with her/drinks on Wednesday. I think she will pick up that I don't want to do anything with her. She will ask me why I am not doing anything with her. Is this when I have the R talk and set my Boundaries?
I appreciate the quick responses I am getting. It is making it easier to not quickly respond to her text.
The boundary is for you. It is not for your wife. It is yours and yours alone.
If you set the boundary " I will not be married to a woman who has another man in her life." Then you follow that boundary.
But you do not have that boundary. So be honest with yourself.
So this is not the time to set boundaries. You have already spoken on the subject.
This is a time to start to figure out what boundaries you want in your life and what you think your actions should be when they are disrespected.
When you gain your strength back you can start to live your life within those boundaries.
But not now.
Plus you have already stated a remark/boundary. So it is either that. A boundary or a remark.
Boundaries are not ment to be tossed around. They are something from within that you live with. That you respect about yourself. They are yours and yours alone. No controlling, no manipulation, no emotional blackmail and no passive aggressive anger.
BUT YOU ARE NOT THERE.
Right now you need to work on the second by second of your life and start to find a moment here and there where you can be calm.
Get to a point where you can sleep for 5 hours straight.
Get to a point where you can talk to your wife like you would talk to anyone else. Not with fear, anger and guilt.
Divorces and saving a marriage take time. They do not happen over night.
Nothing at this moment is needed right this second.
So slow it down. Take your time. Build up your strength. Start to think of yourself as an equal again.
Soon the thoughts will become actions.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Right now you need to work on the second by second of your life and start to find a moment here and there where you can be calm.
Get to a point where you can sleep for 5 hours straight.
This is no longer an issue. Sleepless nights and not eating are over. I have accepted the A and the OM, so I don't wake up at 3am anymore and just sit there thinking. I remind myself that I need to let the A play itself out as this one will not last.
It gets hard when I try to convince myself that it is ending when it actually is not. That is when I fall down.
Get to a point where you can talk to your wife like you would talk to anyone else. Not with fear, anger and guilt.
When we have talked lately (at the beach, on a walk, rollerblading, D3 birthday, one drink), we talk like friends. No R talk. No future talk. I am not angry. I don't judge her. I don't try to work my way into asking her on a date. Just friends talking.
This is the worrisome part. Friend-zone crap. I need to stop having her see me as a "friend". We have nine years of history, yet I feel the need to prove myself to her. Why?
She responded to my text telling her I had plans until 11pm with "Rain check". How can I avoid being right back in this spot in a few days, next week? If I keep telling her no or I am busy, it is going to get to an R talk.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
She responded to my text telling her I had plans until 11pm with "Rain check". How can I avoid being right back in this spot in a few days, next week? If I keep telling her no or I am busy, it is going to get to an R talk.
I was wondering this same thing.
Maybe just keep yourself super busy with something so that you REALLY do have other plans. You're not lying. You're just busy.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
Well, if you are busy and do have a life, that is all she needs to know. And you are only going to get into a R talk if you allow it to happen. Can't do it with text messages! And you don't know, maybe there will be a week or two break. Just simplify, you are trying to solve problems that may never arise. You are like me, trying to plan everything down to the nth degree. Let it go, Lost. You will feel better, I promise you.
M 53, W 48 T 25, M 18 S 15, D 11 "I'me done!" 6/13/2010 Exit started 8/21/2011 ILYBNILWY W consults with L 9/2011, no papers filed Separated 1/16/2012
I am off the ledge right now. I have returned to a state of calm. Thanks.
On the days W has the Ds, I am super busy and do have plans. I love my Ds to death, but I have neglected me since D4 was born. I fill my days with things I have been missing and I enjoy it. I used to play in three soccer leagues a week. I am signing up again. I have always wanted to learn jui jitsu and will be signing up for classes.
My W knows that I am not busy after 9pm when I have the Ds. She knows D13 is capable of getting her sisters to bed and we have asked her to do this many times in the past. So I can't tell her I am busy on those nights.
In May, I told W that I was not going to "date" my W while she continued to see OM. Our contact dropped to near zero. Horrible to deal with at first, but became easy. If I did think about W and the OM, I was able to quickly brush it off. Detached. Went dark/dim. Was doing fine.
Problem started Memorial Day when I said she could join us at the beach. Last week we actually saw each other a lot with family things and that 20 minutes drinking a beer.
All of that made me lose momentum. I feel like I am back at square one.
Best step is to go back to where I was in May.
Thinking more about the movie, I did say at the beach she could ask me to a movie. How can I close that door I opened? Chatterbug did say "A movie is not going to sway the relationship one way or the other." So I guess if she continues to ask me to a movie, I just play it as going to a movie with a friend and not think anything more of it.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
First, why would you NOT want to put your young daughters to bed. What great bonding time. Read them books, chat about the day, cuddle, tickle, sing to them. If you have to, tell your W that you want to be active in the girls ending their day. Is that a 180 for you? Then once they are down, read, catch up with TV, listen to music, but do it for YOU. Chat with D13. Give her some serious one on one time. She wont be 13 for much longer. Get close to her again. They say on this site that you have been given the gift of time, here is a way of using it well.
I think when we said one movie won't make a difference, it was in the context of MISSING one movie. Going could set you back a long way. You will be reading signs, trying to interpret meanings from words. LET IT GO! Just say sorry, can't make it, busy. I have given you a few better things you could be doing.
M 53, W 48 T 25, M 18 S 15, D 11 "I'me done!" 6/13/2010 Exit started 8/21/2011 ILYBNILWY W consults with L 9/2011, no papers filed Separated 1/16/2012
Before all this crap happened, I would always put my young Ds to bed if I was home at night (this was when I worked crappy hours and not the dream job I have now with nights and weekends off). My W knows I like to put them down. She also knows how difficult it can be sometimes for me. When my W puts them down, they go out quick. When I put them down, they want to stay awake as long as possible. The 180 would be me having D13 put them down as W knows I don't like this. I could workout at night when I have the Ds, but I don't like having D13 put them down. I don't think it is fair to D13 to have to do it as she has her own things she wants to do. Also, I don't agree with D13's methods sometimes.
So if W says to have D13 put them down so we can go do something, I am stuck. First, she knows it is possible. Second, one of her reasons for the separation/OM was that I never wanted to do anything as I didn't want to leave the young Ds with D13.
So how exactly am I becoming someone only a fool would leave when I continue to do the things that made the fool leave in the first place?
Someone please answer that because that is what I am struggling with the most. We never did anything together so my plan is to work extra hard on not doing anything with her to make her come back?
Gets more confusing the more I think about it.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
