This is the part that confuses me the most. I am not initiating any plans, she is the one asking me. I read that she has to come to me, is she doing that now?
This is exactly where I F up. I am not going to respond to the text for a bit, so advice needed.
Currently, this is what I would do: I have plans until 11:00pm. I would tell her I have plans until 11 and suggest an alternate after I am done.
I guess I can't tell the difference between being the Plan B, being the safety net, being the "gay friend" to actual progress. How the heck will I know when it is progress? We haven't done anything together without the Ds besides the one drink last week in almost a month.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
Do not go to the movie with her. I guess the only way you will know it is progress is when she gets serious about reconciling, and you will, I am sure, recognize that. OM will be history, she will want to discuss future with you. Be strong, if she really wants you back then one movie night missed will not make any difference.
Do not respond to the text. When she bugs you, politley decline with no other details.
M 53, W 48 T 25, M 18 S 15, D 11 "I'me done!" 6/13/2010 Exit started 8/21/2011 ILYBNILWY W consults with L 9/2011, no papers filed Separated 1/16/2012
It definitely seems like the activities your W is doing with you and your kids may be a bit premature. Honestly, how can she expect you to be ok with her doing "family" activities and acting like a W to you and then running back to OM whenever she feels. If the tables were turned, I'm guessing she would never be ok with this. It seems like there may need to be some boundaries set.
I feel your pain so much because I am in this very same situation. However, my H hasn't reached out yet to do any activities with me. So this is a lot to think about if and when that day comes. One thing my H did say to me is that he didn't feel like he could fully commit to me unless he ended things with OW. That may seem obvious but I think the fact that he realizes that does show some level of respect. (as messed up as that sounds)
She does not respect you right now. Going very dark is the best thing to do to get your self-control back and start detaching a little more. The time away from my H lately, for me, has really made it a little easier to detach from him. I'm not completely there yet, but I'm seeing changes in me.
It's almost like the little bits of time that you get with W are just teasers, reminding you of your heartache every time she leaves you and goes with OM. That is not fair to you. I wouldn't know how to best say anything to W on setting boundaries... maybe someone else could chime in??
This would be something I would need help with as well... (if the time ever arises)
I would not look at this as making things worse, though. Just take a step back and continue on with going dark.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
I can't not respond to the text. I don't even do that to people I don't like.
I think I need to go over boundaries with her. Option #1: Send her this text: "I cannot go to a movie with you. It gives me a false sense of hope. As long as you continue to see OM, I cannot spend time alone with you."
Option #2: Decline the movie but offer to meet her for a drink after my plans. At this time, I will tell her that I do not want to be her Plan B any longer and I think we should stop any further interactions until OM is gone.
Option #3: Simply text her I have plans until 11 and can't make the movie.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
Option 1: Do not send this!! Option 2: Do not send this!! Option 3: Simply text her that you have plans and can't make the movie - don't tell her when your plans are "done."
That's a hard one because with option 3 you're not really setting a boundary. You're just prolonging the situation and allowing her to continue on with her behavior.
There is a thread here on setting boundaries... here is the link, maybe it will be helpful.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
Verab is right, you don't want to get into a R talk. Best to make yourself busy and unavailable. Such a confusing situation. I'm sorry!!
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
