this rocky path WILL smooth out

[zig]

thanks so much KD - and sorry to hear about your semi-retirement - i'm assuming it has to do with how much time you spend on the board?

just to clarify - i am working : at home. i have a small business that i'm trying to get off the ground here - and being a bit slow about it.

since i work at home - it IS easy for me to have s here - all day everyday. it is admittedly a bit distracting, and i'm working on staying focused when he's here.


so the issue of me going out to get a job and babysitter etc doesn't really apply. it's more about how flexible i should be and to what extent, without being taken for granted here.

all you wrote about making boundaries with h about contact between ow and s is really good advice.

i wonder though if you would suggest another course in light of what has come out since you wrote your post. i'd be interested to know if you would still suggest the same.

to start with, i am wondering who is DB'in there - me or h!! sometimes i swear he's doing a better job of it than i am.

anyway -h did call last night - i knew he would after ow left. he just can't seem to have contact with us while he's with her.

i decided to go ahead and discuss the issue of schedule right away - but kept it very light and casual. just said h i was a bit unsettled about how things went last week with the schedule being suddenly changed. you and i have done such a great job of communicating on this and keeping things clear all these months, that i am puzzled as to why it suddenly changed.

he asked me what i meant, so i had to describe it to him.

and then i got the real answer that i needed to hear:

the schedule mess only happened because s didn't go on that wedding trip with h's parents. that he had planned ow's visit to coincide with s being out of town. which he said to me in a slightly whiny complaining voice. so i guess he was trying to make an effort to "do things right"

i also found out later in the evening - that mil and fil were fully aware that she was here - because he specifically went over and told them so that they would avoid coming over to the house or dropping by and see her, as he did not want them to meet.

so what is clear to me is that h is AT LEAST PRESENTLY making huge efforts to NOT let ow be a part of our lives. for him to actually go tell his parents that she's here and not to come over? wtf?

(on the other hand, i was informed through a friend, that he openly hung out with ow and his friends - in fact invited them over to his new house to see it - it's a complete dump, apparently should be torn down rather than renovated - and they couldn't even go in because the renter won't move out ! apparently they hung out in the yard for a bit!)

so all of it part of the insane behavior, right?

but my question of course is: is it wise to bring up and make very sensitive boundaries when he himself seems to be making the same one?

would it be preferable to just start with the one about the schedule and making things clear, and IF that comes up, then discuss it? my instinct is telling me that if i did say that s and ow shouldn't meet yet, that will be the very reason it will happen.

i will write another post in a bit, to journal what happened this morning

thanks for your time KD - you all have been such a godsend to me - i will never be able to repay the debt i owe to a ll of you here as well as all the amazing people that i am surrounded with in my life. the universe has definitely got my back and it's taken this sitch to help me realize that

zig