Still Afloat and moving Forward

[BeingMe]

We were discussing music on someone's thread. I love Fleetwood Mac for the songs they sing that catch my imagination, for instance, one of the stanza's in "Say Goodbye" is so applicable to DBing:

Now I finally found my way
Now I know just what to do
Once you said goodbye to me, yeah
Now I say goodbye to you

Is this not the poetic definition of detachment?! I wrote a poem about moving on in my Poetry 2nd year class. Here it is, if anyone's interested. Out of all the poems I produced, this was my prof's favorite. I found much material in my M to write tons of poems.

"New Love"

For a new love to work
some things should be
realized.

What has been cemented
to my soul, to my spirit
may not have been
resolved.

I'm like a shiny new,
red, sports car
that's been driven far
through dirty snow,
icy mud built up
in the wheel well.

You can remove the stains,
kick the ice ball muck off, but
still,
a remnant of the past remains.

I need to be completely detailed,
not an inch of dirt left
to spread it's toxic load.
Then, and only then
will I be ready for a new road.

[BeingMe]

PS Wendy, we never did get around to the BBQ ... friends were all sick from previous night's drinking. If you mix it, you don't do well the next day. Strangely, my H had a few beers, and was fine on Saturday. Oh well! I don't drink much ... I had a glass of sparkling pink wine ... one of my favorite drinks to have. Anyway, I had to drive my feral cat home.

I had lots of laundry to do yesterday, so my offering to the wild kitty, was to fold his washing (which I usually do) and place them on his bed (which I don't usually do). No thank-you's, but I didn't expect one. He's been power washing the paving outside our house, and cleaned the deck swing chair (which I was going to do, but the power washer wasn't working, so he fixed it, and just did it ... maybe that's my thanks?). He hasn't done a lot for the house in a long time, so I don't know what to think, if anything.

Here's a weird thing that H has been talking about quite often ... he wants to spend more time at home. Says he's sick of all the traveling, and bouncing from one project to another which messes with his weekends. He would travel (usually different countries) over the weekends because it's pointless coming home if, for instance, he's in Mexico, and needs to go to Brazil. One time, over the period of a month, he pretty much circled the world. Crazy! He usually loved it, but it seems to be souring now. I guess it's not me specifically that he wants to come home to, but the job is taking it's toll.

[BeingMe]

Braveheart ... just saw that you had posted on May 26, and I thought I would respond to your remarks.

There's always a possibility that I won't leave. I have so much going on with GAL, that him being home occasionally is irrelevant to me. We do go out to friends, maybe a movie, even dinner, but there's no romance ... we talk about our kids, and his work. Whatever. Sometimes D19 or S25 will come with, and I like that we can chat to them, and catch up with their lives. We still are in separate bedrooms ... I don't see that changing.

I'm not going to lie, or kid myself ... I do want to be married to H, but not like it was before. We do consider ourselves S'ed at this point, but we are friendly (don't trust him enough to call him a friend per se). If we ever R, it would have to come from him. I will not make the first step, except to leave.

That's where we stand as of now. Thanks for always responding, and you do give me much to think about. I appreciate your honesty and, yes, even the 4X2's. I honestly don't think I resent him anymore ... not for a long time. If I do, it's on a fleeting sitch by sitch, not that deep resentful ache, that most of us had after the bomb.

[WenikiTiki]

Hey BeingMe!

I saw you posted on another thread about how often your one son got hurt. We do have paralle lives! My oldest made me an expert on does a cut need stitches and on asthma!

Maybe you can BBQ this weekend!?!

Aloha,

Wendy

[BeingMe]

Hi Wendy. Can ya believe, it's raining ... so, no BBQ. Oh well!

[braveheart]

BeingMe, I wasn't trying to 2x4 you, I was just trying to point out that I don't think you will leave this situation and I think you need to try to focus your energy to make the best of the situation. I can tell the way you talk that you will stay, and that's fine if that's what you want. I just think it will be more to your advantage to think of ways you can be happier in this situation.

[BeingMe]

Updating ....

It isn't at the point of my leaving just yet ... I am realistic about that. I feel the time is fast approaching. It was he who wanted the separation/divorce, but has done nothing about it ... just seeming to pretend nothing is amiss. That's why I placed him in the spare room, and stopped any kind of affection. If he wants to divorce me, then I may as well get used to not having those things. I asked him a few months ago if he would like to try again, but he said no, so I bide my time, waiting for the perfect situation where I can leave and not be unhappy about it.

As for living within the sitch ... I'm finding it easier by the day. I am happy within myself, do lots of GAL activities and planning more. I have started the "feral cat" project, an idea of Wendy's. Don't know if it's working, but he has been complaining about not being home on weekends when he never did before. He seems to be tired of traveling.

One weird thing H's been doing, which makes me think he's still in MLC. He's been dying his goatee beard black. He looks younger and I must say, more attractive, but is this a normal thing for a man to do? Is he trying to attract other, younger women? My D19 doesn't like it, and I'm uncertain whether I do or not. He does say he misses our young family. Seems he's trying to come to terms that life moves on, but he doesn't have to like it. His father was like that ... never liked the kids calling him grandpa. I'm uncertain how to handle this, except to let him find his own way. He wants a divorce (the last I heard) so it's not really my business.

We've just bought a small condo in the city where my D25 lives (and, more importantly, our grandchildren). It's a 10 hour plus drive from home, so I will be spending the summer there, catching up with family and friends. Hotels are just too expensive, and staying with friends for that amount of time is not feasible. So, we got the condo because I want to spend more time with the grandkids. Might go over the Christmas period, and for birthdays, Easter, etc. as well. I would move permanently, but still got uni for the next 2 years, and so has D19. We'll decide then what is to be done with our house ... sell, and buy smaller place on the island, or rent it out, and still buy a smaller place on the island. I will also decide whether I want to move to D25's city permanently. At this point, I now know that I can leave and have a place to stay, whenever I want, without relying on others. Or, H can leave and have a place to live, and I can stay here on the island. H doesn't want to leave the island though, so that part is going to be up in the air. I do want to be close to the grandchildren, so probably me.

So, things are starting to gel, and I can relax (as I have been trying to do) and not worry about the future, because I have a plan in place, with back-ups, and I will leave it to work out as it's meant to. God willing, it will be better than I plan.

[job]

BeingMe,
No matter what happens, I do hope that everything works out for you. However, I don't think there is ever a perfect situation where you can leave and not be unhappy about it. I could be wrong on that, but you and your h have been together a long time and have beautiful children that you both share your love with and there were some great times that you shared w/each other early on. It's difficult and yes, you will be unhappy because it's a situation that could have been worked on and possibly corrected w/medical and professional assistance, but your h wouldn't go. He's got some serious life's lessons to learn.

In his own way, he's curious as to what you are doing on the weekends and deep down, he's afraid that you've already found someone new. His mind is in over drive when it comes to that sort of thing.

As for dying his goatee, a lot of men do this and not just the mlcers. I know a man who did not only his goatee, but he eyebrows too. He said he didn't like to see them a different color from the hair on top of his head.

I am happy to read that you are more relaxed and are not worrying about the future. I think your relaxed attitude has your h worried...lol!

[braveheart]

I agree with Snodderly, he might be scratching his head at bit, my advice is make it itch more!!! People on here need to be better gamblers! BM, next time he comes home, don't be there! Really shake him up! What do you have to lose?

[BeingMe]

Keeping the recent comments on my thread in mind, I thought I would try (is all I can do) describe my H's personality, which makes DBing very difficult. My H is a kinda weird man. Here are some of his traits that he has exhibited or outright told me he has in the last 10 years or so (listing this helps me to make the decision about leaving or not, clearer to me - is he worth staying for, I keep questioning myself? Maybe he will be happier with another woman?):

- he is a different man to our first years of marriage - I miss that man very much, and I stay in the hopes that he might come back, but it's wearing thin. I think I'm stuck with this 'bizzaro' man, and I have to decide whether I want to be with him or not.
- he does not get jealous - he has told me this emphatically, and shown it too. I'm not a huge proponent of jealousy, but I think a little fear of losing someone to another is healthy to a certain extent
- definitely passive-aggressive
- does not like any kind of confrontation (that can mean just discussing something like finances)
- not got a romantic bone in his body (for me, anyway)
- very little empathy, cannot get into the other side's viewpoint
- will tell you what he thinks you want to hear, then go and do the opposite (always been like that with his mom, but I thought I was special - hahahaha, silly me)
- can be very kind, gives out the impression of being the good guy
- doesn't see the negatives in other people to be his, like his A is something different to other people's affairs, or hates others to lie, but doesn't see that his lying is the same
- secretive
- does love his children very much, and it shows in the amount of money he dishes out (without conferring with me at all), but not enough to give them his time (for instance, my D19 wanted him to come visit our home country with us, but he didn't want to take the time off)
- he uses the excuse of him having to earn the money for his travels (he is the one that set up this lifestyle ... I think it helps with his secretiveness, and sense of independence from the family, and specifically me. There is no referring to me in decision-making. This was different during our early marriage)
- I'm not saying he's a bad man, just not self-aware, that I can see. It's all about him and giving an impression. He doesn't stick to a job longer than 2 years, then he wants to move on. He is a good earner in what he does, but it's frustrating for me when he wants to move to other places. I have finally put my foot down.
- our friends, and my family, like him. He gives out the vibe of being a good man, fun to be around. Yet, when we're alone, he would make negative comments about someone he had just been having a beer with, and to all intents and purposes seemed to enjoy their company - never used to be that way when he was younger
- I think a lot of stuff from his childhood has added to this latter day personality which is made worse with MLC
- total baby when in pain, or ill, but lacks empathy for other's pain and illness
- I'm afraid to say that my H is a bit of a coward, emotionally and physically, yet will take on other cultures and travels without fear
- gets impatient with those who are trying to learn - forgets that he had to go through the same process
- he has so much good advice to give to people, but doesn't follow it himself

All in all, my H has turned into a jerk, but hides it well from those he values. He likes men or women who work hard, and live the type of life he lives.

Yet, he seems to not want to let me go. Just when I am in the process of distancing myself (I am already detached), he does something that makes me notice the old H he used to be.

Positives:
- he still calls me regularly when he's away, and lately talking longer than the usual "how's things"
- he has been complaining about the lack of coming home on weekends. Of course, he blames the job/firm/boss, but he has control too, and he seems to want to change that.
- he actually called twice today to check how I am after having my 3year MRI yesterday (still waiting for the results). He doesn't normally do that.
- he doesn't come to me for hugs or any kind of touching, but doesn't repel me either when I need one, such as when I'm feeling down about the above MRI
- he is kind, despite everything
- I still see the man I married deep down inside where this jerk has overshadowed ... will he come back?

I do still love him, but is that enough? Will he ever truly love me again, or does he still? How can I know what to do?

BH - I'll let S25 fetch him at the airport in future, and not be at home, occasionally. I doubt he would care, or would show that he cares. And, no, I don't have anything to lose. It is decision-making time, as I said I would do as soon as my results for the MRI are in.