Don't kid yourself and believe that he never wanted you. If he is rewriting history that is for himself. You know there were good years or you wouldn't have made it to year 2!
And you just keep on doing the next right thing!
Aloha,
Wendy
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
People say the stupidest things, they really do. I am so sorry that your sister displayed so little sensitivity.
I had similar comments about not being my old self. But how could we be? We have been thoroughly traumatized, and emotionally abused by the person we loved and trusted, and who vowed to be faithful to us!
I believe that your children understand that you are still hurting, and they wish you were not - it is that simple. They know, as you do, better than anyone, that their father isn't who he was. My xh showed up for my son's wedding during the early years of his MLC, and it was very very hard, as he seemed to want everything but me, but he then drifted further off into lalaland, and we have gradually recreated our family in which he no longer has a part. We didn't exclude him, he excluded himself. MLCers do not put the sustained effort into relationships that is required to keep them going. They pick up and drop, and eventually people get really fed up with that.
I think my xh has accepted the situation in which he has limited and casual contact with his children, and none at all with me, and is now happy in his own way. I am glad he is happy, as happy as he is capable of being. I can't say I would have been able to glad in the early stages because I hurt so much, but when you hurt less, it is easier to wish them well and let them go.
You did well, and need a pat on the back and a big hug. And so here is a virtual one from me, I know how hard all of this stuff is.
IB, You have had a busy time in the last month on so and I'm glad everything went off w/o a hitch this weekend. I'm sure everyone had a wonderful time and enjoyed themselves.
As for your xh "acting" as if everything is okay w/family members, they have this uncanny way of compartmentalizing things and they can be friendly w/one group of people and not the other. Things that they don't want to face or deal w/are put in another box in their brains. Do not ever think this man didn't love you. If your marriage wasn't meant to be, it would have ended in the early years. The man has rewritten history and will continue to do so for a very long time.
As for the comment wanting their mother back...the children are very much aware of what has transpired and know who you were prior to the mlc monster moving in and they are hoping that you will be that person again some day soon. Unfortunately, you will never be that woman again. You will be a wiser woman who will guard her heart and still smile and have fun. It all takes time. I do want to ask this...do you suppose that the person who said this to you is actually the one that wants the odl you back?
I agree w/the others, you need a virtual hug for doing a wonderful job and maintaining your sanity while doing it. Please do not ever doubt yourself...you are not the one that is lost in lala land.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
And now IB, the real test. First, I know exactly how you feel when you say that he wants everything BUT me. I truly do. It's hard at first. But it makes some sort of sense as you get past the initial hurt.
Regarding your kids. Did you ever think that what they truly want is their "mother" and "father"? They watch. They see. They have a different perspective and they want their parents to be happy AND THERE FOR THEM when they need them.
It really is simple.
The test is to see if you can put the rest of it behind you where they are concerned and be their "mom". Don't let that break your heart - that's a good thing. Being able to express that to anyone is huge. Show them how to move on in a positive way. It'll make all the difference to them and it's a great gift you have a chance to give them.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Hi friends! Realized today that 2 years ago Wednesday - XH left. Feels like it's been an eternity. The day passed without me remembering, so I think that's a good thing.
I had to email XH about some details about the house going up for sale. Also asked if he could provide any financial contribution to D's wedding it would be greatly appreciated. He responded that he would "chew on it" and get back to me. So yesterday, 2 weeks later, he got back to me. For the first time in 2 years, he actually sounded like the man I was with for 30 years. Word on the street is OW is gone. Doesn't matter...anway - he offers a little bit of $ and I tell him I really appreciate it. He goes on to say that he is going to the wedding with MY uncle and they are going to play golf and such. OK - I realized that there will be no one at the wedding that is "his" - his siblings can't attend, nor can his parents. The friends we had together are really my friends now and then he has such a limited relationship with the kids - it's very, very sad.
Going thru the highs and lows of raising son - although really I am done. Times he is so nice to me and others, well - it's about as disrespectful as I have ever seen. I need to walk away from my life right now - it is actually toxic. I have a month left of pressing responsibilities and then it has to change.
Thanks for letting me vent...
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
IB, I'm sorry your son gives you a hard time sometimes. He is at a really tough age. Besides all that happened with his father, he is at a crossroads. They dont have the confines of high school and their friends.
They are scared and uncertain. Your son will come back to you one day.
Meantime, set your boundaries and pick your battles.
It is sad your xh has no one. But that was his choice.
Try to get through the next month and then figure out what you want your life to look like.
