Navy My W has some serious depression issues too; I too struggle with "kicking her to the curb"
All I have to say is that there is a different path, but it's long, even more painful for you. It also is not guaranteed. I still don't get this ^^ GB...Navy wants out- (or if a miracle happens, then for his wife to wake up.)
HE does not expect her to wake up. I don't think anything he does IN the marriage has made a difference and won't now, imo.
He wants to be happy, he's ready to move on to make that happen. What else is he supposed to endure, and for what?
And your advice about upping the ante and "showing her" means what? I'm sorry I don't get it. What, specifically do you think HE is supposed to DO to wake her up? IF suggesting that one of them leave is your advice to him, isn't that the same thing we are telling him? Why should he be "upping the ante" now, when he's already at the end of the rope? HE's been here for YEARS not months...
Like I said before. Pick something she does you don't like it and put a stop to it, let her know you will not tolerate it. (I'd start with the way she talks to you, especially in front of the kids). Then incrementally up the ante. No offense but this^^^ just utterly vague. And what do you think Navy has been doing the past 3 YEARS? Not months...years.
Sure, he tried the patient approach and giving her space. Didn't work. We assumed she'd get treated for her depression but she's a miserable person who lets someone else project THEIR situation onto her and she buys into the whole "She is a victim" mindset that prevents her from having real insight and any change.
Then some time ago Navy began telling her not to talk to him like that and began to assert himself but she's not changing her tune. So telling him to "let her know you will not tolerate it" - uh, Means WHAT?
and "incrementally up the ante" also, means WHAT at this point? Specifically, please...
I see Navy as making real progress and you are advising him as if something novel is being suggested but it's vague and not all that different than what he was told months ago.
To me, this advice isn't new, but it could derail him just as he is making some real decisions about forward movement.
Just like me I bet you're scared that if you dump your entire list of grievances she'll run. She probabably will. I don't think Navy is in that^^ situation GB, I think he's no longer afraid of her running as much as he fears staying in an untenable situation.
As for a grievance list...well, imo, there are few non negotiables in a marriage but his wife has pretty much hit nearly all of them (minus OM).
In any event, I don't see a role for a grievance list in a happy marriage. Having one at all is usually a deathknell for marriage. But since It's a tangent, I'll move on.
Instead have her think "am I willing to leave over this little thing?"
Navy, the other comment I was going to address was Bond's. If I understand Bond's advice, maybe attending an al anon meeting could help. IT is a lot more helpful than reading about the topic.
However- I don't see her drinking as "the straw that broke" your back maritally speaking, so much as
being the reason you no longer see "Staying for the kids" as holding much appeal anymore. I mean, IF she's going to drink a lot, how is sticking it out good FOR the kids? It's not.
If you were to decide to "stick it out" some more, the drinking around the kids would be the minimum requirement you set, but even as I write that I know that
"getting her to stop" drinking...is a lot like saying you may as well "get her to be nice" to you.
In other words, you don't have any control over that.
All you get do control is you and your reaction. But you knew that already.
So, Is this accurate?
I think you're onto something about the friend - but the friend MAY think she's trying to ease the blow and that's her way of helping.
As for the discussions you have w/w, I'd be VERY brief with your w. Keep it all about the kids
b/c from what her friend said,
your w believes you two have had LONG conversations about the R and she thinks YOU were complaining to her about your misery, (per the friend's take on it)
it does mean you are taking too long in the discussions. Be the one to end them too.
Be a lot briefer. Brevity in speech, the economy of words, often makes them more powerful.
Good luck.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
