Snodderly is right - it's the having to deal with the finances and such that really takes a lot out of you right now. It does actually get better when you aren't having to make decisions you didn't want to make. Every day. The waiting is difficult for a while. It gets better though, and more quickly than you might think.
It's good that you have some good days. Before you know it, you'll have two in a row and then three and then...
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I feel like I'm dying inside from lack of love and affection. I don't know how to deal with this. I have days where I feel good, like Saturday, but it doesn't take long before I crash again. I am missing my H so much, especially his hug.
Oh, Golfmom - I can feel your emptiness in that post.
Girl, this is a really common feeling. The desire for human touch, love, affection, intimacy. It’s shocking when you are used to it and it’s no longer there. Human beings need validation from the people we love and touch - and we need to feel connected to other people.
When we are not in a relationship, we get some of that stuff from our children and close family friends – but it doesn’t feel like enough at your stage of the journey.
So … here’s what you can do to help and to start fulfilling those needs for yourself and in the process learn how to love yourself. Many of us who end up here, don’t have a whole lot of self-love inside of us, which is why we feel so empty when we feel the love that filled us (our spouses) leaves the building. Our journey is to fill ourselves up with that love, so we have enough internal resources to make good decisions for ourselves, rather than those based on perceived “needs” that we think someone else has to fulfil.
The first step is to treat yourself in the same way as you would treat someone you love. It’s a really simple little mind-shift. It started for me when I noticed that I’d slacked off with housework, cooking for myself, organizing my life. I figured it didn’t really matter – I was the only one who was going to see it, no one would judge me … but then I thought about it and I realized if I did have people I loved living with me – I would do those things, because I like to make great food for people, and keep my home and life in great shape. So I started to. At first, I’d have to pretend someone was going to drop in to make myself do it – then I realized how much better I felt (and so much less work to do when there’s one less of you!!)
So I started to think about other areas of my life where I didn’t treat myself as well as I would treat my partner. I started to do things for myself with that in mind. A regular weekly massage (because we all need touch and there is nothing better than being covered in oil and having someone massage you for an hour with no expectation of reciprocation!!! Lol)
Luxury was another thing for me. It was always really important to me to have gorgeous linen and towels, for myself, but also for guests and others … so I got beautiful huge soft ridiculously extravagant towels for myself and everytime I wrap myself in one I think about how I treated myself by buying them and it makes me happy.
Exercise and recreation – I’d kept myself in shape when I was in a relationship because it seemed important, but out of a relationship, I didn’t feel as precious about keeping myself in shape. When I thought about that I understood how silly it was – I finally realized being in shape is for me and exercise makes me feel good – so now I exercise regularly and I do it because I love and respect myself and I want to look after my body.
Think through the things in yoru life that you would do or be for someone else that you are not doing and being for yourself. Then make sure you treat yourself in that way.
It’s a journey GM and it’s not going to happen over night – but you must look after yourself and you do have all the power in the universe available to you to fill yourself up with the love you need. Have long bubble baths with candles and wine and a good book, walk in the bush or on the beach , or to the next suburb . Breath in the world around you and remember you are connected to all of it. Book yourself a massage or manicure or anything, where you will be touched and connected with the world. Speak kindly to yourself. Speak to yourself in the way you would to someone you love – lose the self criticism. Validate yourself when you need validation – your H isn’t in a position to offer you any validation that means anything right now, so don’t go looking for it – you don’t have to, you can give it to yourself.
Take care Golfmum. Go have a bubble bath and remember how beautiful, whole and perfect you are … you are all that regardless of what your H does.
((Golfmom))
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
I haven't posted in awhile. I've been doing more reading, reflection, praying while trying to make sense of it all. I did want to share an amazing book though. It's called The Broken American Male and, boy, have I learned a lot. It has really helped me connect the dots. I understand so much more about what happened to my husband and our marriage. I feel really bad about my failures as a wife, but also know I did the very best I could with the knowledge and experience I had. My eyes are wide open. If by some miracle my marriage gets a second chance there is so much I would do differently.
GM - I'd like to add some to what Walking was saying above. I personally don't have the means right now to pursue certain niceties. For me, I'm trying to change my surroundings. I don't know your whole back story, but I know I've had the luxury or sleeping alone for a year now so my W moving out in week or two won't keep me up at night. My personal goal is to make my home mine.
You made a comment further up about being curious about how your H thought about being in his old environment. I would almost want to ask you the same question. What I mean by that I guess, is that I have a chance to do something with my surroundings that matches how I feel about myself having learned what I had about me. So speaking from my angle, what about you?
I'm with you. I had no idea what I'd done to help with the downfall of my marriage. I haven't grown up with a father since I was 3 so I had no model to work with and I failed to be a partner and a father so I work to be a better example for my kids. I couldn't have done that without knowing where many of my faults lie. I cried alone for a while when I thought about how inept I had been. But it's a source of inner strength if you can harness it and use it to your advantage to get you out of a funk.
I don't know if my W will ever want to come back. I try not to think about it and it's hard not too, but focusing on making my surroundings mine helps me. It will not be an overnight process due to financial commitments, but setting a goal and getting to it tends to help re-channel my energy toward a more positive disposition.
Task 1 - Change code on garage door, which she already knows I will do. She's leaving so it's not her home to just drop in on.
Task 2 - Redo master bathroom on a budget by changing colors, shower curtain, rugs and wall fixtures
Task 3 - I can go on and on....
I don't know if my W will ever see me for who I am today. She told me last week that I had made so many good changes, but she added the disclaimer that she hopes I did it for me. Whatever. It stopped being about her eon's ago, but she wouldn't believe me if I told her.
Thanks for the suggestions RT. I actually made a decision not to make any changes until after the divorce is final. At the moment i have no idea when that might be, if at all. Nothing has happened since my response to the petition was filed over a month ago. My H and I are also in the process of refinancing which was initiated by him. It's all very confusing, but I'm trying my best just to be an observer. I realize that when I ask direct questions (ie what does this mean?) my H is not ready to give answers and feels backed into a corner. There's really not much I need to know at this point, so rather than seeing it as being in limbo I am trying really hard to refocus myself. It's part of changing and giving up control. So hard! OK, so back to the beginning of my response. I've decided not to make any changes since one complaint my H had was that he didn't feel like he had a voice in our home, even when it came to decorating. (I know, passive-aggressive.)I disagree, but that's how he feels. So, being mindful of that, I will keep things the way they are so should he come back we can do redecorating together. I have wondered though if he will see that as nothing ever changes. So in others words, it might be that I can't do anything right in his eyes. I do understand wanting to make your home your own. Creating a inviting home which reflects and show cases those that live in it is a passion of mine. I hope you enjoy the process and feel great about the results.
That's great that you've worked on your faults and are working on being a better father and role model for your kids. I posted early on about the lack of mentors in our society. There is so much elders in our communities can teach us. Couldn't we all guide young, married couples who are just starting out? Most of us have learned and grown a ton and have a lot of wisdom to share. I wish my H and I would have had someone to guide us so we might have avoided the pitfalls. What's going to haunt me is now having all of this knowledge that I might not ever have a chance to apply to my marriage. I pray to God throughout everyday for a second chance to get it right.
It's 4:00am and my mind is in overdrive. Yesterday my H told me that when he left he decided that he was no longer putting the kids first. That doing that lead him to be unhappy to the point of contemplating suicide. I absolutely can't believe he said that. Is this MLC nonsense that I need to ignore? How can he not see that his thoughts are due to depression? He had a wife and kids that loved him, a well paying job, a home, basically the American dream. Yes, we had debt that we were paying off and we were doing that, and continue to do that, at a very fast rate so we could get rid of it quickly. Our financial picture was looking much better. His thinking is not normal. Please, someone, help me understand this. Is this really the same person who recently said that if I ever need more money or need his support payments early not to hesitate to ask because he doesn't want the boys and me to suffer? And is this the same person who has worked himself into a lather refinancing our house that he doesn't live in (although I think his attorney may have advised him to do that - long story)?
This also doesn't make sense. Last weekend when I was having issues with S12 he called my H who then called me and asked very sympathetically what was going on. He also asked if I wanted him to pick our son up for the night. I said no and he replied "let me know how I can help." I saw that as a positive change.
Yesterday was a major backslide for me. I'm so beaten down emotionally and watching my kids walk around as shells of their former selves only compounds that. I begged and pleaded my H to come home. To do it for the boys first and the rest would fall into place over time as we worked on our marriage and he re-adjusted to family life. His response was that his feelings haven't changed after listening to me. Does he really think that they would? Is he really that dillusional that he thinks you just switch feelings on and off? I suggested that he was depressed and needed help. I was waiting for denial, but he didn't respond. When he was ending the conversation (actually a one-way dialogue) he said that he wasn't coming home today or tomorrow. I thought that was odd.
My gut tells me that something is really wrong and not to give up. Literally, our lives seemed normal right up until the day he walked out the door. What the heck happened to him?
golf mom, Your h is in crisis and they will say and do many "out of character" things while in crisis...thus the "mirror image" of the person that you once knew.
Depression will have them talking all sorts of things, including suicide. I had a friend that I wrote out in one of my threads who took me outside one day and pointed to a tree limb and said that is where I am going to hang myself. Did he? No, but he did tell that when people talk about killing themselves, they generally do not do it. It is the ones that don't talk to you are the ones that actually will commit suicide. I do know that I was very concerned and observed him from afar for quite some time. You will need to observe your h from afar, but you can't help him unless he seeks your assistance.
What you are experiencing is typical behavior, i.e., one day/week offering assistance if you need it and the next not wanting to do anything. This is exactly why we advise each poster to keep their expectations at zero...you won't be disappointed if he doesn't follow through on promises, etc. It is a rollercoaster ride that has many ups and downs and twists throughout the entire crisis. You, the lbs, will never know who you are dealing w/ on any given day until you listen to the first sentence out of his mouth...
You had a backslide yesterday...no more pleading/begging him to come home! The more you do this, the more determined that he is going to be to stay away and believe he is correct in leaving you and the children. He's not coming home for a few days because he doesn't want to hear the begging and pleading and you pointing out what he's doing the family. He can't face reality right now and he has to run. If he can't take care of himself right now, how can you expect him to take care of you and the children? He's a mess and he needs time and space to work on his issues. Yes, he is a father and a husband, but you don't want him to be there when he is so screwed up in the head. You don't want him sitting around being mopey and not actually interacting w/the family. BTW, how often are you and the family walking on eggshells when he's around? That is something you don't want your family to experience because it creates even more tension for all of you.
Love your h unconditionally from afar. You don't have to give up on him, but you do need to leave him alone and give him the space he requires. He will be in contact w/you again very soon. He won't stay away for very long, but when he does contact you, treat him like an old friend and keep your expectations at zero. You have to learn to accept him for who he is today, not as he was before he entered the crisis mode. He will get through his crisis at his own pace and we, the lbs, can't hurry the process or attempt to interrupt the process. If you happen to interrupt the process, the next time he hits a life transition, the mlc will be far worse than it is this time.
Golf mom, I know you are scared and you want your family back together, but it's a very long process and he will not recover for quite some time. You are going to have to dig deep for patience and strength in order to get through this.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
