KD, I'm still working on all this, but I did want to get back to you and others and answer a few questions you had.
Of course, I want to actively work on myself, regardless of the state of our M. There are always things I can work on, and I'm sure I'll invent new ones as time goes on. I find it comforting that Advina has been at it for a year and still has things she's working on. I can cut myself a little slack in light of that.
At minimum, I will work to survive the M until S graduates. ScaredSilly accused me of using H, but this is a mutual position. Neither one of us wants to give up any time with S (this should ring home with you, KD) or have to deal with the court system again, like he experienced and I witnessed with his first D. So both of us are on board with at least "getting along" until S is out. Both of us claim to want better.
I have considered that the M is already dead. I don't think it is. I wouldn't be here if I thought it was truly, irrevocably dead.
I appreciate your comment that I come across as a strong woman perfectly capable of enforcing my boundaries. I don't think you would have said that about me 3 months ago. In fact, I believe you were one of several in an older thread that chastised me for negotiating my boundaries on some things. In any case, to me that means progress.
Accuray, keeping a land grab at bay is a serious concern of mine, but I hope to be up for the challenge. How to look at H in a positive light in that instance is the hard part for me.
KD, you asked, "If your H stopped falling asleep during movies (and therefore did not snore) and he stopped eating off your plate... Would you suddenly love him to the end of the earth...? I kinda don't think so..." You're right. That would not cause me to love him to the end of the earth. What it would do is remove the thorns from the rose so that I could feel safe enough to get near and smell the fragrance and appreciate its beauty.
I will add that I'm not trying to change my H, but I AM hoping that he changes. As Accuray referenced from other sources, I don't believe a healthy M can be derived or sustained long-term when only one party is contributing, or the R balance is skewed, regardless of how saintly that one person is. That sort of R seems a bit abusive and co-dependent.
As for providing H's perspective, all I can suggest is that you can scan the other two sites I mentioned and see if you can figure his out. I don't know if he has posted yet, or if he will. He has the information.
As an update on the state of things, H and I spoke a bit this weekend, since S is away on camp. It wasn't terribly encouraging for me, a lot of stuff I already knew but H arrived at during the course of the convo. He claimed it was enlightening, claimed he didn't like that about himself and could see how it fostered the conflict in our M, claimed he would address the issues if I would just reengage and give him a chance. I'm trying to have a better attitude about this rather than, "Another empty promise, same-old same-old." I did agree to go for a walk with him. I did not jump in bed and have sex with him.
Also, I did manage to intercept a topic before it went bad. One of the things H has an issue with is accepting the word "no" from me. If it fits in his head, it should fit in mine, so he picks and badgers until I agree. The topic was about my summer classes. I'm taking an online P.E. course. I know, how does one do that, right? Well it's three P.E. credits, the class is health and fitness. I chose it because I can't manage to do 3 separate one-credit-hour classes that require me to be at school 5 days/week for one hour, regardless of how fun it would be to play volleyball, because I can get my fun elsewhere/elsehow. Well H kept telling me I need to do that, it would be fun, I need to get out, etc. I looked at him and just calmly stated that it was time for him to drop it, that I gave him my answer and he needed to accept it. It ended nicely at least, and he somewhat recognized what he was doing. Afterall, it didn't affect him in any way, so I don't know why he was arguing.
Anyway, I'm still listening, and I am still trying...
