Today I spent some time reading jks thread. I feel in some ways out sitches are similar. And I really think that I need to project to H that I am happy and independent. And honestly I need to start living and believing that for myself.
There is a "handyman" job that he was going to do at the house that he hasn't done yet. I need him to do it before a certain date, but I don't want to bring it up. He did half of it then didn't have the tool. Then when he was here last he said oh I need to come by and do that and I said yeah it needs to be done by x date. So I don't know if I should email him about it as the clock is ticking. I've decided other than that I can take care of everything else myself.
I think I've accepted that he isn't really a part of my life. That's not going to change unless he wants it to. And I think he knows he's got me as a "back up plan" It's been a very long hard road to get here. I don't know if he'll decide to take a second look at us. But I think accepting it fully and not having hope is the only way I can fully detach.
He's never going to push for divorce not for a few years for other reasons. I always had fears in our M that he was the kind of guy that just went with the current, that he never would have moved out of his ex's if I hadn't pushed him and you know what he never would have moved out of here if I hadn't pushed that. So I imagine I'll have to be the one to file at some point. I'll have to be the one to tell him to get his stuff out my garage. ..It's not the type of person I want to be with.
I'm sad my M ended because I feel we could have worked on our issues...IF both parties were willing. He doesn't want to. I'm sad about the way I handled my unhappiness in the M and how I acted after we split and around the time of our split both in the way I treated him and I treated myself...but I've owned that and I'm not going to live that way again. I'm sad because I'd like to have a healthy long happy M and that didn't happen....but missing that dream is different than being missing him.
He's found someone that he's moving full steam ahead with. Nothing would surprise me at this point. I'll never know if he's completely happy or if he ever has regrets...but I don't think he'll push himself out of "going with the flow" to ever address it. And I want someone who will. Who will run through the freakin rain for me. I'm pretty...ever prettier now that I've lost more weight. I'm funny....like really funny. I'm glamorous and I like sports. I can talk politics and pop culture. I have an interesting job that puts me in touch with interesting people. I always have fun stuff going on. People ask me to plan parties. I'm a great cook and good mom. I have a responsible intelligent teenager..which is pretty good for being a teen mom. I'm a hard worker...nothing's been handed to me. I have a lot to offer. Like Maggie says men would give their right arm for me.
I've been walking around feeling a bit validated in this I'm working on me thing. And through introspection beating myself up: this is how I need to change, this is how I need to be better, I made mistakes I need to work on this.....but I forgot just how much is good and right and wonderful about me. He has always loved my confidence, my sass, my fiestiness, my wit and sarcasm. I'm not saying that I want to get that back to get him back. I'm just saying that all that makes me attractive. I don't have to NOT be those things in order to not be selfish, pushy or controlling.
So in the words of the amazing Pattie Labelle: I've got a new attitude.
