Last Resort Technique - Can I correct problems?

[labug]

Consider yourself heartily slapped!

Also, take the alternate route to work and quit making up stories unless you're a fiction writer.

[chatterbug]

WTF? How can a woman go from ice cold for 36 hours to my old best friend in a blink of an eye?

wow. i am so glad i am not the only one confused by this crap. thinking about it makes my head hurt.

This is because you let them control the situation. You read too much into every little thing they do.

You could spend hours trying to figure out the touch of a hand on the shoulder. When that was all it was.

You need to work hard to let these moments not affect you. Your emotions are running full tilt. So you will feed off anything that you think how it should be going. But it is you just tricking yourself to match your feelings.

There is no reality here. There is no path to the light here. It is what it is. Crumbs or a cheese-less tunnel.

You want to remove the confusion. Be indifferent to both moods. Teach her to step to your mood. Which should only be polite, respectful and too the point.

Anything else is a waste of time for you.

[jks]

Beautifully said, chatterbug.

[LostIn407]

I need help. I fell off the wagon and I am lost. I feel like I am worse off.

The plan this week was no contact/detach/dim. I couldn't make it one day.

My W text me regarding her not receiving mail. I told her what she should do. I then let her know I was taking our Ds rollerblading. She said she would meet me there.

We dropped the Ds off at a park and spent an hour rollerblading. She told me a movie was playing at 10:10 and would call me if she went. I told her I needed a waxing (she is an aesthetician). She told me to come see her on Wednesday. I said I would come near the end of the day so we could grab a drink after.

Looking good?

Nope.

She never called about the movie, which I will not mention to her. But it got me thinking because she got a call when we were saying goodbye.

Like a dumb@ss, I did something I haven't done in weeks and starting snooping. I checked the phone records and saw the call was the OM. I drove to her apartment at midnight and saw the OM car there.


Was I making progress or was she getting what she wanted? The OM and me at the same time?

How do I dig myself out of this hole? I will cancel my appointment with her on Wednesday, saying I can't make it. But what about future rollerblading? She wants to do it more often with me. How do I tell her no without making things worse?

My buddy had to talk me down last night. "It isn't something we don't already know". I told him what if she is spending less time with the OM and he said even if it is only once every three weeks, it is still a million times too many. She needs to come to me.

Sorry I post so much. Sorry if I am taking time away from others, but I am so lost. I am jumping at every opening I see. I think I am doing great but I am actually doing worse.

I know I need to let the A play itself out, but it is way too hard. I want to have a R talk with the W so bad. I want to know where I stand, but I won't. It is getting easier to swallow this when I am around her, but d@mnit, I want to do it so bad.

Driving to work today, I took the path by the OM's mom's house. I am a glutton for punishment. His car was there meaning he didn't spend the night with my W.

I know I need to detach and go as dark as possible, but it so hard with our visitation agreement. It is basically every other day. I am taking the Ds to an amusement park on Father's Day and the W is coming, so how much good will going dark for 12 days do?

I am spinning out of control.

[vera be fierce]

Yikes, take a deep breath. You let your expectations get the better of you with respect to the movie and then you were disappointed that she didn't call. You know you abandoned LRT and that's what you need to focus on getting back to. Do you have a DB coach? Have you considered doing that?

Also, find a new place to get your waxing done. Make plans to get a drink with someone else, not W. You are letting her yank you around. You need to detach.

[LostIn407]

The days my W has the Ds and I am free to do what I want, I have no problems. I can fill my day with GAL activities and have no urge to contact the W.

The problem is when it is my day with the Ds. I can't seem to get any GAL done. I can't goto the gym before work because my Ds are freaks of nature and like to wake-up at 6:30am. I don't want to goto the gym at 5am and risk them waking up and me not being there because D13 will not wake up in the morning to attend to them. I can't workout after work because childcare at the gym ends at 8:00pm. By the time I get home from work and make dinner, I won't have time to make it to the gym to get in a workout before childcare closes.

I can push them in the stroller while I rollerblade, but the W will want to join me.

I am definitely getting yanked around but I can't seem to detach. In a way, I think I subject myself to the pain of snooping so I can get angry at her. Anger makes it easier to get over someone.

I know what I HAVE to do, I just can't seem to do it. Maybe I am too scared of what will happen. If it was guaranteed that she would come to me if I detached completely, I would do it. I am too scared if I detach she will just accept it and it would be over.

[vera be fierce]

How about not telling your W when you're going rollerblading? Would that be a 180 for you?

[UKVA]

I have a question, why is your W going with you and the kids on Fathers Day? I would have thought with a 13 year old, you could keep up with the two little ones. I understand if you want it to look like happy families, but it ain't right now and spending time trying to be that way is not detaching. I really would ask your W not to attend if you possibly can. Have fun just Dad and the girls!

[UKVA]

Lost, you are a safety net, a plan B. If you detach, take that away, she will HAVE to take notice. There are no guarantees in life anyway. If you know what you HAVE to do, man up and do it. It is for you, for your girls, and anger is not the way to get over someone, it will eat you away inside. Resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies, remember that.

I GAL on the weeks I don't see my kids, but on the weeks I am with them they ARE my life, so I forget about cycling, running etc. and focus on THEM.

[LostIn407]

I could not tell her I was going rollerblading, but the D13 would tell her. Then I look like an a-hole. That would be a 180 for me.

D13 can watch D3 and D4, but she is a teenager and she is impossible to predict. She can be quite mean to D4 as I believe there are jealousy issues since D13 was the only child for 9 years. D13 is great with D3. I don't feel comfortable sometimes leaving D13 as the authority, other times I have no issues.

I can't un-invite W on Father's Day. It isn't any real change if she comes financially. Buy one adult, get one child free. Her ticket is basically free.

I look at the list of things my W mentioned as reasons for the OM and the separation:
- We never did anything.
- I never wanted to go out.
- I let myself go.

My GAL of working out is going great. I am just a few weeks away from full abs. I am almost lighter and more muscular than when we first started dating.

I go out all the time now. I have the job and schedule that allows it so I take advantage of it.

My wife loves amusement parks and always wanted us to go to more parks.


After Father's Day, I won't plan any activities with her. Lately, 99% of the activities were family related. I will try to kill that last 1%. I guess I thought doses of family life would kick-start something in her.