Above is my previous post in Newcomers forum. I have been posting over there since March. I have decided to move over to the MLC section because H is going through some kind of crisis. He insists to friends that he is fine and he just wants to “move on with his life”. But actions speak louder than words. He is a completely different man from the one I married. I need a different kind of support because it seems the more I DB the farther away he goes.
Back in October of last year H came home from an overseas business trip and my sixth sense clicked on. Something had changed. From that point on he seemed more distant. Less talkative. I noticed he started buying Rogaine, started coloring his hair and wearing different clothes. In November, he underwent outpatient surgery to remove a bump from his scalp that had been there since childhood. In December he started leaving every weekend telling me he was visiting his ill mother in the nursing home. After Christmas I reviewed the bank statements and noticed unusual out of town charges on the bank statements. I asked him if he was having an affair and he denied it. He started becoming angrier and his temper would flare often. I tried to talk to him about it but he just pushed me away and told me to leave him alone. One Saturday in January we went to a movie with the kids and I went to kiss him and he pushed me away. I knew something was wrong, but had no idea how to fix it.
Beginning of February he drops the bomb he wants a divorce. He doesn’t have feelings for me anymore and he is done. No counseling, no talking just it’s over. He tells me he went on his overseas business trip in October and had an emotional breakdown due to the tremendous emotional hell he went through the previous year. When he came out of it he had no feelings for me. He just felt numb. Of course, I begged and pleaded. I told him we owed it to our children to work on the marriage. He said the kids would be better off with us apart and happy than together and miserable. He said he thought I was beautiful, a great mother, wonderful homemaker and a good person and great friend, but he didn’t love me like a man should love his wife and I deserved someone who could make me happy. He also said he has been thinking about this for three years and it’s time for it to be over.
After the bomb I noticed more charges on the credit card. I noticed a ring purchased at a local department store that was not for me. When I confronted him about it he said it was for a good friend. I noticed more secret phone calls. He was gone more and more on the weekends. At the end of February he filed for D and I was furious and screamed at him “I thought we had agreed to work this out” to which he replied “I never said that”. The middle of March I was served. Long story short, I suspected an OW and it was confirmed in April. He admitted they were “just friends” at first and he never intended for that to happen. Since admission he has been gone on the weekdays as well. He is spending all kinds of money on this OW. They even met a few weeks ago on the East Coast for a “business meeting”. I saw photos of them together on our family camera.
His behavior is erratic at best. I am trying to detach so I can stay off the emotional roller coaster. But even stepping back and watching from afar is dizzying. Every time I pull away he does what he can to pull me back in. It’s hard because we still live together and have two children. I am doing what I can do to save my sanity.
I have read many threads on this forum and I can relate so much. H is on the crazy train to D and I can’t get off!!!
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
I am so sorry you are going thru this...I have been on this journey for 5 yrs. believe me when I tell you it WILL GET BETTER. The pain you are feeling and the roller coaster you are on does and will become bearable for you. I am not one to give advice, but I do know that one day life will become more peaceful 'with GOD all things are possible". Lots of good people in here who can direct you into what you must do for yourself and for your children. My ex went thru 50k in a yr. mostly spent on the O/W.....they have no quams about spending it either.....I could not touch that money since it was an inheritence..... Good luck to you....and remember time does heal all wounds.....Irma
Thanks, ILMN. I know it's going to be a long haul. LOTS and LOTS of cake eating involved. I feel more like his mother than his wife.
I have consulted with several attorneys and found one I like. H wants me to sign off on the house so he can refinance. I don't trust him. He does not make the best business decisions and money is not his strong suit. He is asking his brother for money and thinks I should ask my mother for money. We are in our 40s and both successful. There is no reason why we should be asking anyone for money at this point in our lives, but here we are.
I have seen photos of OW and I don't really know what the attraction is? She is not prettier than I am. She is certainly not more attractive or more intelligent. She is just different. At this point I think it could have been anyone and no matter what he says, she is just a distraction. And it feels as if he is intentionally trying to hurt me. He can barely find it within himself to be civil towards me. And if he is nice to be it is usually before he drops a bomb on me.
He lies all the time. He lies to me, to his family, to his co-workers, to his friends and even to our kids. He tells everyone a different story. He is so ensconced in his lies I don't think he knows the truth anymore.
My C says he is running from his issues. It is like the chaos kid from childhood has been unleashed to wreak havoc on our family. The Crazy Train is heading towards Dysfunction Junction.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
There's a fair chance he's lied to the OW too. Although usually it's not advisable to contact the OP, if you think there's a chance she doesn't know he has a wife and kids, you might want to let her know.
Sorry you are here. You will find strength here. Don't vent to your H ever again. Vent here. Trust me on this.
Your H is living out a script and you can't stop him. Trust me we all have tried to stop ours.....
Read other peoples threads. Keep reading, you will fing amazing bits of wisdom here.
I find the lies to be the hardest to take. I have 4 year old granddaughter. I feel my STBXH was fibbing just like a 4 year old. Lately he hasn't been telling so many lies. I suppose mostly because I don't talk to him about anything except what we must talk about.
I'm sure you will get more advise. But you need to protect yourself and your kids. Make sure you are all taken care of properly.
Aloha,
Wendy
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
There's a fair chance he's lied to the OW too. Although usually it's not advisable to contact the OP, if you think there's a chance she doesn't know he has a wife and kids, you might want to let her know.
Yes, I know he has lied to her. He told her we both wanted this divorce and we were being amicable about it. He also told her that we have been separated for quite some time. I think she has absolutely no clue. Although when I busted him out on his A my PI friend told me OW said "I think your wife has a PI out on me". Although those were H's words and he might paraphrase. He has a tendency to do that.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
I find the lies to be the hardest to take. I have 4 year old granddaughter. I feel my STBXH was fibbing just like a 4 year old. Lately he hasn't been telling so many lies. I suppose mostly because I don't talk to him about anything except what we must talk about.
I'm sure you will get more advise. But you need to protect yourself and your kids. Make sure you are all taken care of properly.
Aloha,
Wendy
Thanks, Wendy. H has been acting like a spoiled 17 year old brat. It's just sickening. It's pretty sad when my 11 year old son acts more mature that the 44 year old father. Pathetic.
It does amaze me how H expects me to still take care of things. Like texting him addresses and phone numbers. Like making sure bills are paid. I keep wondering how he will ever survive on his own? But that isn't my problem. Once we are D I will just sit back with a bowl of popcorn and watch the show. I am sure he won't let me get too far away.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Not sure whether you ever read my welcome post here so I have put it on your thread above.
Take what you need and disregard what you have already done, I realize you have been posting on DB for a while so some of it wont apply but there is a lot of good info in the post.
Thanks Cadet. I have looked through these posts and I am not on moderation any more thank goodness. I look through them often. I find them comforting.nits good to know I am not alone although I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
