Your past history and all of your hurts are no longer here in your physical reality. Don't allow them to be here in your mind, muddying your present moments. Your life is like a play with several acts. Some of the characters who enter have short roles to play, others, much longer. But all are necessary, otherwise they wouldn't be in the play. Embrace them all, and move on to the next act.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Some of the characters who enter have short roles to play, others, much longer. But all are necessary, otherwise they wouldn't be in the play. Embrace them all, and move on to the next act.
I like this thought process. It makes me feel like right now I need to embrace what is happening now. which (from the strong positive me) is that I have time and space to learn, grow and become.
When i think like that I feel like I have control and am almost calm inside. But then panic creeps in (the scared, weak negative me) what if he drops another bomb!? what if nothing I do will ever matter again?! what if its just TOO LATE?!
How did you get through that? Is it normal?
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I had just begun to read your thread. In the meantime, I'll try to answer your question.
Originally Posted By: bustingout
When i think like that I feel like I have control and am almost calm inside. But then panic creeps in (the scared, weak negative me) what if he drops another bomb!? what if nothing I do will ever matter again?! what if its just TOO LATE?!
How did you get through that? Is it normal?
Yes, the questions and the fears are normal. The "whys" and the "what ifs".
To me, there came a point when I realized that I wasting time trying to figure out questions that may not have answers. Time that could be spent more wisely on myself. I needed to get to a place of happiness that was not dependent on anyone else.
Did I still question my W's decision from time to time? Yes, I did. However the more I focused on my life without being married to my W, those thoughts did not cross my mind as often. I had taken control of my life. As 25yearsmlc says, it is empowering.
As for the fears, I think it is human nature for us to think the worst. For the most part, our fears are worse than reality.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Are you going to still journal and debrief us all on how you got here to this point. Its encouraging to us all to hear about a R with two people. Good Luck
I just took the time to read your ENTIRE sitch this time - from day one to present. As far as DB'ing goes - I think I can confidently state that you may very well be my hero.
I say that because as I read through every twist a turn of your situation I repeatedly saw shadows of what I have been through and what I am going through.
The endless ups and downs....stuggling to find meaning in everything that w says or does. Periods of great hope followed by gut-wrenching emotional crashes. Avoiding conflict and confrontation to keep w from getting upset...and ultimately losing as a result. Sruggling with the impact the situation has on children (my son is 2 and was 16 months when W dropped the bomb)....LITB, you have lived everything that I have been through and continue to experience.
I, too, go through periods where W and I get along and there is no rift between us -- then something happens (typically something that goes against what my W was expecting or wanting) and we crash back into silence, anger and hurt feelings. During the periods when we are getting along my mind always seems to want to fast-forward to that meaning somewhere there is a spark in her that WANTS to R - then I get hopes....then I crash. Over and over again. You dif this too, it appears. My w never moved 1,100 miles away - but even 20 will hurt if it means you get less time with your son.
You should probably change your name to "Iron Man" because I honestly think you have taken about every emotional beating that a man can face in this process and somehow maintained the strength to hold together, focus on your kids and navigate through the pain, confusion and sadness. I admire you tremendously for that - the strength that it takes to do that is not wasted on me or any other LBS on this board that still loves their spouse.
True to what the vets say (25 et. al.) it seems that when you really let go and accepted the finality of everything your whole situation changed. You were truly happy and really didn't care if your M was restored. I pray for the day when I make it to that level - after 9 months on this ride it seems as if I will never be there. I have my days of strength, then have days that seems like I am dangling over the precipice of an epic backslide.
Your ability to flip the switch and take a stand for yourself without concern over how your W would react is inspiring. Yet, at the same time, you still felt for your wife, her pain and what she was going through.
You are also a living testament to patience and the power of letting go of the WAW. I still struggle with it and operate thinking that there is something that I can say or do that will change the course of my situation. Almost as if I am just a few well-thought out remarks away from getting my w to open her heart back to me. Academically, I know this is not possible. Emotionally, I keep thinking it is.
You did the impossible - it seems as if somehow you balanced love and hope with the acceptance of your w's actions and the ability dig up your stakes and move on....all while maintaing a great love for your children and becoming a better father and individual.
I will probably be going back to your threads a lot for inspiration. Today I was *this* close to sending my w a note about my feelings and how I am without her and S in my life. MAJOR backslide....MAJOR. I am glad I revisited your posts before I did.
Thank you for sharing all that you have been through. I appreciate it. I am doing all that I can to stay on track.
IIRC, even in piecing your focus should remain on you and how you are... as an individual... AND in the M...
Yes, stay as positive as possible and try to remain as detached as possible if/when the negative comes up.
Good luck and as always, prayers are with you!
KD,
As always, your input is very much appreciated. I hope you are doing well my friend.
Thank you for the prayers.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Are you going to still journal and debrief us all on how you got here to this point. Its encouraging to us all to hear about a R with two people. Good Luck
Of course I can continue updating, especially if it helps others.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
