this rocky path WILL smooth out

[zig]

just had a conversation with a friend who helped me see that i don't need to push the boat here.

i'm still reacting, sadly - not as "detached " as i thought i was.

it's a simple concept of "h , i need things to be clear in terms of how and when each of us are taking care of s each week, as i would like to be able to arrange my schedule in advance and know what to expect"

she pointed out to me, that i need to show my own strength and self respect, by making it clear what is okay for me.

she also helped me to see that replying "i guess i'll have to change my plans" as a response was passive aggressive and controlling. that it would have been more appropriate for me to say - especially if i was side balled by the suddenness of it - "let me think about it, i'll get back to you on this issue"

then have time to think what was appropriate for me and do-able. she suggested that i could have said - "i already have plans for monday, but i can keep s monday night and tuesday - you'll have to arrange otherwise for s during the day on monday"

i can see where i put myself in this messed up situation more clearly.



another thing that i did, and which i don't know how to rectify, or whether i should is that last year in november i told h that i didn't want to carry his secret any longer about his affair, and that he needed to arrange his meetings with ow so that i didn't need to know about it.

at the time i though i was protecting myself - what i didn't know didn't need to affect me so much, and then it didn't affect s and the rest of the family.

well, now i feel that it's sort of back-firing on me. the universe seems to have a very strong need to make sure that i know , that i find out, each and every time!!

the problem though is that h is now stuck in a position where he can't tell me because i demanded that, and so situations like this come up, which land up leaving me probably more upset - because he has to maneuver and manipulate them hiding it from me.

am i keeping us in a double bind because of that? if i am, how do i rectify it?

because this is long-distance A and we share s, it's just about impossible for him to take off without it being obvious that he's going to see her - especially since he needs to ask me to keep s. and now of course also when he's here and she comes here - like this last week.

i want to tell him that i don't need that boundary anymore, and if he needs to give me that kind of info, it's okay.

that requires talking about ow and her presence in his life.and i don't care to have a conversation about her, really.besides there the issue of DB'ing and bringing up OP? not sure what to do here.

and if we do have that conversation - what stand do i take - "i accept that you are with OP and am happy for you" or "I am not happy that you are with OP and i have to take care of s while you spend time with her" or "I am not happy that you are with OP but will happily keep s while you are with her" or " "I accept that you are with OP and am happy to keep s while you are with her, i just want things to be clearly stated so that i can make my own plans" (WOW, do i sound like a total nut here?)

on the other hand - is there no other way for him to conduct this affair so that he can keep it out of my life? do i NEED to have this information? i don't want it - am i being unrealistic here in terms of how i'm viewing and dealing with this situation?

i feel like i need a 2 x 4 for every aspect of how i'm dealing with this.

this problem has been there for months and i have just shoved it under the mat, not knowing how to deal with it, and i see my pattern here - the same as during the marriage - i shoved things away in spite of being fully aware that things were pretty bad between us, but because i didn't know how to i told myself i'll deal with it later. now i've done the same with this sitch regarding where s is when he's with ow - knowing i should do something about it but too scared and apprehensive to make any concrete moves, because i simply don't know which are the right ones to make.

is staying still just letting things be, letting him leave s with me even though i know what's going on? that's what i have done, and been happy to do it FOR SON, but i can't help thinking of some of starsky's posts which encourage people here to NOT allow the WAS to get too complacent and comfortable in their situation.

then on the other hand there are the mlc'er vets who say to just let things be, no pressure etc and let them play out while working on yourself and moving forward.

Add s into the mix: if i shrug and say - it's your turn this week, you'll have to keep him, i run the risk of him getting pissed and just bringing ow into s's life when it may not happen if i just let him decide about how things are.

i don't even know what i'm saying anymore - all i know is that this is coming up for me because i am still feeling helpless, manipulated and not all that detached, and how much i need to work on myself in finding my own true place in this.

i started reading LITB's thread from the beginning last night - his stance was so clear and decisive from the start - i lack that terribly - and am finding out only now after all these months, how many issues i have in terms of self esteem, helplessness and knowing what my true feelings are. and that is why it is so hard for me to see clearly where i stand and what it means to be me and function as me. (was on the live strong site for 2 hrs this morning)

i really hope that people will jump in and give me some feedback no matter how hard it is for me to hear. i know my posts are terribly tediously long, and i really apologize for that.

i'm not doing what;s working - i need to figure out what works for me in this and i need outside perspective. i feel as if i'm the one in the fog and can't see.

thanks
zig