this rocky path WILL smooth out

[zig]

Just be careful not to own the problem. As soon as you own the problem, you've taken on his meaning as your own and you will then get into expectation mode and then become upset when he DOES NOT do something about it.


yes i see how that works KD


Your H will do something if it serves him. Let him learn the difference between saying something just to say it vs. doing something to serve his own needs or desires vs. saying something as a way to have someone rescue him.

so here's my current dilemma - and i am struggling between what is "expected" of me and what i can expect from h in terms of "not expecting anything"

i want to bring this up right now, because i think it's a boundary issue and i simply don't know how to handle it. i understand now, the concept of no expectations in terms of how i view h , and i feel that i'm there but things get really muddled and murky when it comes up in the context of co-parenting.ihave been making an effort to "go with the flow" in terms of parenting - waiting for him to bring up stuff, as i have found that me bringing it up first is too confrontational and pressuring for him.

but the issue i'm having now, is where in all this do my needs and boundaries lie in this situation. i got 2x4'd a few weeks ago for bringing up my needs in the situation, so now i am confused about how to handle the current situation.

i'll try to be brief about it.

basically, i have always told h that i will fully support him by taking care of s while he works. he stated clearly that he would split his paycheck with me, and it seems only fair, that while he's at work and s is not in school that i take care of s, even when it's h's turn to have him.

now as things have started to change, and i am trying to get back into working and establishing my own financial independence (and i am very far from that right now - my own issues that i have to work on), i'm in the position where i am still financially dependent on him, but taking care of s all day while he works, doesn't allow me to work myself - talk about a double bind!

the current situation: h has not let me know whether he has started teaching summer school (8.30 to 3 pm) today or not. last thursday he still didn't know whether the course was happening or not due to inadequate enrollment.

all of last week he was "unable " to converse with me about any of this in a manner where anything whatsoever got resolved. i realize now that it was due to the presence of ow here with him. it seems as if he is "frozen" somehow when he's with her and absolutely cannot deal with anything from "this" life at those times.

in the beginning of last week he asked if s could stay through this weekend - the only time he's asked to change the week to week schedule is when he's seen ow - other times, he's told me what he was doing. i didn't question why but just replied sure no problem.

then last thursday i asked - when will you be getting s? sunday or monday? he got all funny and then very reluctantly said - well, actually not until tuesday night. i was very taken aback - that's 4 days extra, with no indication beforehand and not saying a word to s about it or to me. i replied well, i had some plans but i guess i will have to change them

he got a bit aggressive and said quite strongly - what plans. i didn't reply, just said it's okay i'll readjust my schedule. then i asked him what he was going to do with s when he started teaching today. he looked shocked - as if he hadn't thought of it at all - and just said very strangely - i don't know, i haven't thought about it.

don't know if it's just me here, being sensitive, but i'm a little amazed that he hasn't bothered to even check with me that it's okay for me to take care of s all day for the entire month of june. it was different during the school year because it was just a couple of hours in the afternoon.

am i being taken for granted here, and should i set a boundary. can i not expect that even though i should have NO expectations, that we could at least clearly discuss what is taking place, whether or not ow is in the vicinity.

can i push him on this issue right now - or wait until she leaves today or tomorrow or whenever.

this is the first time in the sitch that he has changed the "rules" of how we were doing things. until now, things have been very clear from week to week, in advance. but suddenly now, it's as if he's not going to bother.

know it's already done, but should i have insisted that last minute changes were not okay with me and set the boundary last week? i was trying to just let whatever happens happen and not fight anything.

i can't help feeling that inadvertently i gave him the opportunity to see how "easy it is" to have ow here and i'll take care of stuff in terms of s. granted i didn't even know she was here.

this situation really [censored] - i think the issue for me is realizing that i don't even know for myself what the boundaries really are, that in NOT having any expectations, i still don't understand how to "co-parent " in this situation and still be able to have healthy boundaries with him for myself.

i really need feedback on this - i feel that we've reached some sort of crucial turning point here. i just realized yesterday that ow has been here for 10 days - that's a long time. i need to figure out what i am doing or not doing that will allow him the ease of settling into having it all - her being around and me picking up the slack with s?

do i, at the expense of s, insist that he just take care of s, during the week he's with him, and i'll take care of my own responsibilities with s when he's with me? i'm sure he'll throw the financial thing at me then.

i should also point out that summer has always been a huge financially stressful time for us because he's a professor and there's not paycheck for 3 months. he's trying to teach this summer course to make some money so we can live.

yes i know, i'm going to get 2 x 4'd here for why haven't I in 10 months gotten myself together enough to cover my own expense? well - i haven't, and am only realizing now, how "helpless" i have been acting, and need to step up and get my [censored] together on this issue. i have too many "excuses' about why it hasn't happened, i'm ashamed to say.

so i guess when it comes down to it - my questioning my position on this issue, is not about whether i take care of s or not - i think i should, if i'm still financially dependent on him. the issue is how can i make it clear that he doesn't get to just decide whatever whenever schedule wise without any discussion whatsoever.

wow that was quite a mouthful there - sorry it's so long.

thanks for any advice or 2x4's in advance. i feel i'm due the latter big time here!!

zig