NG-thank you for that. It has given me a lot to think about. I agree that facing the fear of that aloneness woould feel like freedom. Freedom to to really live.
I think I have been holdiong on to that fear for a very long time. From childhood really. And as I mentioned in an earlier post, i definetly brought it into my M. So afraid to be left again (my dad left us). So afraid to have to feel the pain and lonliness and unworthiness again.
A few days ago I couyld almost see myself stepping back into that. Place I almost did it willingly--almost like a choice.
Something in my heart was saying to just do it. go back into the place that got you here..the fear, the sadness, the depression. It was almost so easy ----because it wasd familiar and a place i know VERY well; a place where I feel unloved, and left behind.
But I didnt go there. I have a choice. And i will not go there anymore. This is going to be the HARDEST thing i do. Because it was my ULTIMATE FEAR. But I faced it. I am not great for it but I will be.
I did it though. He IS having an affair. He HAS left me, he DID say he does not love me.
And I am still here. And a part from him I like my life. I love my kids, I love my friends. Yes there is more I can do. And I will.
I see H for the first time in over two months next week. And my goal is for him to see who I have become, for the first time ever. He said he always knew me...that I would never change.
He never knew the strength....
I want to rise above this.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
