WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake

[workinghardguy]

I'll admit that I am torn. I realize I am her Plan B. I don't what I want long-term, other than I really want my family back. I appreciate the advice though the practicality of it doesn't work. Who is going to transport kids at 9:30 at night between houses that are 8 blocks apart. While I understand the distance piece there's a point where all of this just becomes sublime and ridiculous.

And it feels selfish; no it is selfish. Not towards my STBX, but towards my SS and SD. When given a chance to spend an extra afternoon with them I can take it or leave. Most of the time I take it. But not to make her life better or easier, but because that's what I told them I would do. I told them I would make a hard effort to remain a part of their life. I can go dark. I can get my one evening a week for a few hours. But I can't stay true to my word to them when I choose that. And they know. They know if their aunt comes over that it means I chose to not have them come over. Did I have a good reason? Sure. Is just having my own life free of those encumbrances a good enough reason? I don't know. I really, really don't know. But in the end even if I had a good reason does it matter to a kid? No.

This would be so much easier had I just said to them, sorry... mom opted for this so guess this is it. See you when I see you. But that's not the path I chose. And even now it's not the path I want.

And I'm just so very tired. There isn't a good answer. I don't believe there is a way to maintain a connection to them and be dark, or as dark as I need to be. It's all I can right now to not grab my phone and text her or call her to tell my STBX how much a I hate her for this. I know it's a choice I made. I know it's a choice I can undo. But I can't live with myself if I write them off.

I guess that's where it comes down to. I can't live with myself if I write them off. I can live with myself, at least right now, as a Plan B. I can create boundaries of sorts, but ultimately my access to them relies on her. And I have no legal standing to enforce anything else so it is what it is. I have to decide whether the manipulation (or whatever you want to call it) is too much to accept and then deal with the fallout of how I feel when I choose that four hours a week is what I'm willing to have.

Today is an example. We were supposed to meet at 5:30 tonight to finish settling the June child care schedule. She sends me a text at 4:00 that she wants to take a nap. Offers that I can come over early if I want to spend time with the kids. What she really wants is me there to entertain the kids so they don't disturb her nap. I really wanted to go. Not so she could nap, but so I could see the kids. But I'd just spent the last day and half with SS as we were at youth group events together. So I told her no, I'd be there around when we agreed as I was busy.