I haven't updated in a while. I've been reading the boards, but pretty quietly. I've been stressing and processing, observing and learning.
When P was here to help on one project, she ended up getting another one started. Then she had to leave. I was really struggling with it as it's something I haven't done before. I really like to do things right, so it takes a certain amount of psyching myself up as well as enough research for me to feel confident that I'm ready to plow ahead. I always do way more of research and cogitating than P would and it drives her nuts.
I was feeling time pressure to get it completed (it's the shower!) I was feeling anxiety about all the parts I wasn't sure how to do. I was feeling put upon by it all. I was imagining P's thoughts about my slow progress. Finally, I dug out from under all that.
I realized that I was feeling resentful about being stuck with this project right now. I often feel put upon by the big projects that go with this house. Especially if I feel like I'm tackling them alone. I don't want to feel that way. And our thoughts control our feelings. So, I'm reminding myself that it's an opportunity for me to learn something new (which I love) and to do something that I'll be proud of.
I also realized that I was feeling inadequate because of P's frustration with my process. I don't want to feel that way either. I get to have my process and do things in a way that works for me. And I don't have to feel bad about it. I can certainly negotiate ways to work with someone else's needs, too, but mine are legitimate.
After all that, I did finally make some visible progress. I'll be on the road this week, but I hope to be able to seriously plow ahead when I return.
P's been in occasional touch, mainly with updates on our winter gig. First choice fell through and she's been running other options by me. We had a 45 minute phone call this morning (I ended it first). Some talk about these winter gig options, some talk about a fixer upper house she's looking at, some general catching up on what we've each been up to. I am genuinely interested and happy about what she's doing. She asks for my advice on all sorts of things.
When we hang up I need to give myself some time to feel the sadness of it all. All those interesting things she talked about doing, the shocked little little voice in my head kept saying, "Without me!"
After the lukewarm tone of her visit, I thought she might let the winter gig go after our first choice fell through. (I guess my M.O. is to prepare myself for the worst. P doesn't like that negativity.) But she's pursuing other options. I'm pleasantly surprised. (I guess I prefer being pleasantly surprised to having optimistic hopes dashed.) I don't know what she's thinking, but I'm not complaining. It's likely that I'll have stresses and resentments to deal with, but I'm glad that I might have the opportunity to spend more time together.
