Great stuff. I'm definitly glad to have revisited the forums.
I believe what your saying about the EA is along the lines of my own thought process. I think that's why I've come to terms with it and it no longer hurts or keeps me awake at night. Basically, it doesn't rob me of my time.
I know my wife is miserable, I know he is miserable. My W is a troubled soul and as I've said, I see others leave her when they are no longer troubled. I don't know what she talks about with anyone, but I do know the OM knows more about my marriage than I'm comfortable with him knowing. I also get the sense that his mother-in-law, my wife's new BFF, knows more than she should too. She used to rave about how thankful she is that my W is so helpful to OM during such a difficult time for him. Now, mum's the word.
When you spoke of check-in dates, I suppose mine is end of August when school starts. Either my W is still sleeping in the living room or she's moved out. Until then, the EA will continue on its merry way, supported by my wife's new BFF, who is already too involved. She's watching the kids on the days I'm not working from home. I see this as feeding an already crappy situation, but there are some developments arising from this.
My oldest son is refusing to do sleepovers. He's likes to spend time with his friend, but he wants to come home every night to see 'me'. I guess I'm an anchor for him in that way and he talks about feeling at ease when he comes home after being away and it has that home smell. My youngest son, who likes 'everybody' (even the stranger in the van asking him if he wants some candy) is starting to express himself more. I was asked to drop him off at the OM's house yesterday evening and when my son found out he was very unhappy about it. I told him I was taking him over to the OM's house because his mom asked me too and that it's dinner time and she's making dinner for the kids (yes - JOY), that if he has an issue with going to OM's house he needs to take it up with his mom. Sure enough, he did. When she confronted him he said he wanted to go home with me, it shocked me because he's more clingy with his mother, but I'll take it. He told her he was tired of always going to OM's house all the time (Awesome!). With that, I left with him and we had a great time.
This whole EA and BFF thing really doesn't bother me anymore. The kids are making things known to my W in their own time. She's taking note. Makes it difficult for an EA to blossom into much more when your kids are calling you out. When they come to me with questions I no longer defend my W, but I don't accuse either. I simply tell them I have no answers, that I only know what their mom tells me, so if they have any questions or concerns they should feel safe in asking her. I used to just tell them that their mom loves them very much and that she just needs time. Now it's, she loves you guys, but if you have questions, take them up with her, I'm here for them no matter what.
As for scheduling time with the kids......
I do want to do more, but during the school year for the past 2 years of my W's adventure, I've pretty much had free reign with the kids. I know my W loves her kids and it's during the summer that she chooses, or has more time, to spend with them. Plus, 'I' get to play team sports in the summer. The summer is 'me' time. My boys miss me, more the older one, and they tell me so, but they know their always welcome to join me if they choose. I have a feeling this summer they will choose to be with me more. The writing's on the wall.
Losing track (ADD) sorry.
To further explain the "convenience" of the OM and not just that his MIL watches my kids 2 days a week. The OM lives on the way to my W's work, for the most part at least. So when the kids are at his house playing with their friends, she will stop there on the way home to pick them up. Granted, this doesn't stop her from staying and visiting with either her BFF, OM, the kids, or all of them. With the kids out of school, it just means she doesn't have to return home so early in the evening to make sure the kids get to bed. So she has more time to allow for the EA to blossom and the OM gets more opportunities to have another woman in his life other than his insane soon-to-be exW. Eh...whatever.
The more my older son is around his friend, the more his friend opens up about how miserable life is because his parents can't get along. I know my son is taking notes. He talks about it some with me and I let him talk. The most I've offered to him in return is that it's not for him or me to make his friend happy. We're not professionals and it's not our place in life. If he wants to hang out with his friend, then fine, but don't expect that he can make his friend's life better.
With that said, it seems I'm being tested.....by everyone. The OM's son had a sleepover at my house last night. I found this out around 9AM this morning. Seems there are no written plans, but he "might" be staying the night tonight too. Everyone seems to think I'm bitter and angry. My son asked the other day if his friend could come over and I was okay with that, even though he didn't. But this last minute sleep over stuff kind of bugs me since i know I'm being observed. It's my time to shine, but I don't really care one way or the other. I'm kind of put off by how my W told me about it and asked if him being here was okay, as though I would say no and kick him out. The frustrating part is that she also added that she has to go to her friends house so I'll have the kids with me for the day. Since my W told me the other day that she was going out tonight with friends, I may be stuck with OM's kid again.
I don't even give it a thought, her being with the OM. Is she lying to me about where she's going? I don't care. I'm not just saying that. I really don't care. My oldest son asked me this morning if I was going to his game this afternoon. I told him of course I was, I have to get him there. When he asked where mom was I told him she had plans and had left already, but I didn't know if she would be back before his game or just meet us there. His response - "That figures. I should have known." The distance between his mother is growing with each event so I try to make room for her to have time with the kids during the summer. As I make time and she doesn't use it, it's her problem, not mine.
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No matter how much this keeps going on, knowing what I do about MLC after reading so many books and forums, I can't abandon her. I don't think it's a detachment problem so much anymore as it is a poop or get off the pot kind of thing. Either leave and let me take back my life or stay and we go with on living in seperate rooms.
I have plans for the things I want to do with the house. I was on the verge of redoing the master bathroom until she said she couldn't take another year of 'us'. I figure that even though change is good, I'd rather sit on the money and wait so that when she moves out, the change is for me and she can't say otherwise.
I'm trying to get $100 - $150 worth of gift cards each payday. It's not much, but it will help me get the ball rolling immedietly once she goes. I can't wait to change the locks. Not to be mean, but to set visible boundries. I'm already planning to make sure I tell her, when the time comes, that I will be doing that so that she's aware that it's not where she sleeps anymore and it's best that the kids learn to understand that there are two seperate homes now.
I can honestly look at my W and all I see is the teenager that knows everything. I see 'exactly' the same behavior my older sister had towards our mother when she was 12-17. Maybe that's why, subconsiously, I set my clock at 5 years?
I remember my sisters behavior, the going out all the time, the rants, the struggle to find independence. I remember the off and on relationship we had during those years and I remember how I stood by in silence, minding my own business. I remember when she finally grew up enough and we developed the unbreakable bond we have today.
I also remember my W's mother telling me last year on Fathers Day, that she was so sorry that there's nothing she can do, but if I ever needed anything, I should ask. She asked me not to give up.
That was the first and only time she spoke of my marriage since it took a downhill slide. Enough passed between us in that short moment that we understood each other without speaking about anything at all. I honestly felt that my MIL had seen it from the start and this was not the first time she's been through this with my W. I feel quite confident that I'm seeing the same teenager my MIL saw so many years ago.
So with that said, I'm confident my wife will move out this summer. I think I'd be a bit upset with her if she didn't. When she moved away from home so many years ago, I know she longed to return. She's not been very close to her family these past 2 years even though she's very deeply family oriented. Leaving me just seems like it's what was written before we ever met. It feels like it's what's supposed to happen.
My son (oldest) was at his friends house ( the EA's house ) this evening. He called me from his mom's phone, which I didn't know she was over there today. He was crying and wanted me to come get him to bring him home. I drove as fast as I could. I was on a conference call for work and I had my youngest son with me so I didn't press him for anything. I got this from the wife via text....
"I will not come home. I know Chase doesn't want me there. He seems to think he knows what's going on. I will be in touch tomorrow."
I was still on the phone when my son got out of the shower and my W came home to grab the bag she lives out of a few days a week. I'm thankful that I was on the phone talking so I didn't have to say anything to her or my son.
After she left and I got off the phone, I told my son that I know he's upset and I figure if he wants to tell me something he will in his own time. All that matters right now is that I'm here and I love him.
The kids and I went to their room and did "Drive-in Movie Night", which basically means I suspend a sheet in the air like a fort and we get under it and watch a movie.
Strangely, I'm not unnerved at all right now about what went down at the EA's house. Maybe my son saw something or maybe he over heard something regarding my W's plans to move out this summer. I don't know, but I believe I'm going to sleep fine tonight.
I don't know what I'll say to my wife. She's expressed to me over the past 2 years that our oldest son is different towards her after he's been around me more than her. Sounds like she's blaming me and not the fact that she's not home or sleeping in our bed. So I figure she thinks my son and I are having heart felt conversations this evening and to prove to herself that she's right, I never replied to her text I posted above. I was on the phone and driving and had no intention of reading it. I'm not going to reply to it. I have a game tomorrow morning and will notify her that the kids are with me there in the event she comes home and further perpetuates the idea that everyone's against her when she finds we're not home.
I have nothing to say about anything to anyone right now. I've learned, oddly enough through prayer, that sometimes it's best to just sleep on something vs. outpouring over something that could keep you up for hours and accomplish nothing.
What I see in my W's text and her actions when she came home to grab her stuff was the teenager I was talking about in a post above. A whole lot of "I don't need you! I can take care of myself!"
So I know that I said above that I wouldn't respond to my wife's comment about our son not wanting her at home, but a funny thing happened right before I went to bed. I pray each night before I go to bed, give or take a few stressful school/work deadlines. So there I was praying for strength and courage ( the usual as of late ) and had a "good" feeling kind of wash over me. Not to be too religious or anything ( sorry ). I opted to reply to my W's text about our son not wanting her to come home, so I did:
"I don't know what's going on and I'm not pressing anyone for information. Just please be safe."
Her reply:
"I'm staying in my car. Tell S I love him."
Hmmm.... No. He needs to hear it 'from' her, not 'through' me.
This day was a bit rough I guess. My S opened up to me about what went down last night. His friend opened up about how his mother blames my W for their marriage splitting as well as the presence of a PA while I was out of town with the kids.
So.....
My son asked my W about this ( which is not news to me ) and she cursed at him and yelled and then took off. I'm none too happy about this, but it sounds worse than he explained it. He's really upset understandably.
Well, my W sent a text today to let me know she wanted our youngest son for the day and to meet up with her so I can drop him off. This further upset our oldest son, especially since she would not return his texting her. A few hours later I got a text asking for both boys and some time for her to talk to me.
She took both boys and dropped them off at a friends house and my W and I met at a park and talked. I don't remember everything (ADD), but I'm pretty happy with how I handled it. She informed me she and the boys were moving out the middle of this month.
I did see this coming and it didn't hurt as much as I had thought it would. I did a lot of listening and not too much talking. I told her that I know that she'll be fine because of her strength, determination and resourcefulness and that those are all qualities in her I've always been attracted to her for so I will not try to stop her from doing what she needs to do.
She said she knew S1 would take it the hardest and would blame her and that she expects he'll want to stay with me for a while.
Forget the details, let me focus on what I singled out......
1) She brought up her deteriorating health ( anxiety & newly developed ulcer ). I asked about what made her anxious and she said she can't stand feeling dependent on me.
This would explain why she's only asking me for $300 a month for assistance. She is determined to make it on her own and I know she'll be fine.
2) For the first time in over a year, she never mentioned "divorce" even though she's going to move out. Not one part of the conversation we had spoke of litigation only mutual cooperation.
3) We talked of what she would take with her and unfortunately for me, not enough, but she respected my informing her that I would be changing the code on the garage door opener after she takes what she's going to take. I told her I didn't want the kids to get confused and that it would define the fact that they had 2 seperete homes and not so much come and go as we like.
Last thing I said to her as we went to our seperate cars was to compliment her on her toe nails. The design on them does look very nicely done. If I'm not bitter, no point in me walking away sad. I have nothing to apologize for, that I'm aware of.
About 2 hours after we talked in the park she sent me a text:
"Thank you for talking to me."
Me: "Anytime"
So she's out in 2 weeks. I'll give it 1 month more and then I'll finally look to get started on redoing the master bathroom for starters. If I can get excited, I hope the kids can feed off of that so we can work on healing together.
Oh, and a funny side note for those that know the song.....
S1 had changed the radio station in my car before i dropped him off. I neglected to change it back to my station. As soon as my car started when my W and I parted, the Nelly song "Only Just A Dream" had just started playing. It brought a smile to my face because sometimes I don't believe in coincidences.
There's a time and a place, and my time has yet to come.
I'm a very analytical person, but I can't think of everything so I'm constantly weighing other peoples input. The time for legal pressure is not there.
Admittedly, I believe she's trying to pursue her independance and eat cake, but until she walks out the door she still has a safety net.
I'm not giving her enough rope to hang herself with, I'm giving her a ride to the store to buy the rope and do it all herself. Nothing she will do will come easy if it's on her to do it. I've been picking up the slack since the beginning. Me going to the lawyer before her is just me doing the leg work for her.
My wife can't afford the life she's lived these past few years. It's hard to party, pay for gym memberships, buy things for the kids, when you have to work a second job just to make ends meet. As with a teenager, I'll treat her like an adult and she'll be responsible for her own rent. Problem is is that there's two other mouths to feed and those mouths are not too happy with her over the past two years.
My wife can make it on her own, I know she can, but she doesn't see the full reality behind the choices she's making. Our kids are important to her and I don't think she really understands what's going on with them because she hasn't spent as much time with them. My value doesn't come from her family's disapproval of her actions towards me, my value comes from the bond that I have with my kids.
She says "The kids and I are moving out in two weeks", but the reality of the situation is that they will spend equal to more time with me anyway. They're too young to stay home alone while she's at work at her second job and I get home from work in time to get them off the bus after school.
My wife wants to feel the rush of independence, the sense of accomplishment, the desire to live and the love of her kids. Her plan, as she put it, is to get her life in order and then focus on rebuilding with the kids. I hate to think I'm using the kids against her, but in the same hand, their not objects that will wait for her to sort it out.
My W doesn't need me and I've learned to be dependent on myself and not her. She apologized to me for making my life hell for the past few years. I told her that her perception of my last few years is different than mine. It's been said in these forums and I'm in full agreement - I'm glad this happened. It saved me and gave me my appreciation for life back, but I would not wish it on even my worst of enemies and would not do this all over again.
My W needs to grow up. She believes she's going to have all her fruit in one basket and the kids will love her and her new life choice. This is not a game, our kids are real people with real hearts and thoughts. I hate seeing them go through this and it will be hard on them for years to come, but I know I'm in the best position I can be in to be there for them. Before my W's MLC I'd lose my head if it wasn't attached, today I feel like Atlas and I can support the weight of the world and not so much as flinch.
For the entire first year of my W's MLC, I was lost and confused and I begged, pleaded and hoped for answers, both internally and when praying. I thought I was being selfless in praying for my W to find peace in her world. For another several months after that I found a different light within me, but I still thought I was being selfless in regard to my W even though I was still 'hoping' she'd pull through this for "us". The past 8+ months I've never been more confident that this is what has to happen. I have great kids, but I've never understood their individual needs more so than I've learned these past few years. My W is where I was pre-MLC and it's her time to learn their needs, that even though they're not her "babies" anymore they still need her and always will.
I've let go a long time ago and I'm letting life happen. Where my insides would turn inside out, it assures me now that this is the way. I'm not ignoring that I may need legal counsel, but right now is not the time. My W is not mean natured and not evil, no matter how ice cold she's been to me. I will seek legal counsel when she does the leg work.
I'm still growing, still learning. I don't know if I'm right or wrong, only that I will have learned enough to have made the right choices OR I will be challenged to learn from my mistakes.
My question about the lawyer was for you to get all the legal facts. If legal SA or D should arise, then letting the kids go with her MAY tilt things one way or another with custody, depending on where you live.
There are people I know here where I live who have regretted their pre-D choices because of how things shook out in court...there is the law, there are lawyers, and there are judges...and then there is what is "right".
Though I have absolutely NO intentions of helping W if she chooses the D road, I still, early on, once I figured out what was happening, consulted with a L, just so I was fully aware of my rights, choices and ramification of those...
Protect yourself, and your kids...a consultation doesn't mean you are filing...
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I also have basically done the same thing that you have roof, with letting W hang herself on her own rope, but I also made sure to consult a lawyer, just to make sure of my rights.
I am glad that I did, because I have far more knowledge about the law than STBXW and now she is in a real bind as she has basically put me in the position or having the upper hand should custody issues arise.
You need to protect yourself and your children. I didn't file, but I was sure ready when she did. It actually tipped the scales on her and she actually learned something from it.
I guess my main message is get the protection, and then wait. It takes patience. Once she messes up enough, you will be prepared if you need to be.
Good luck!
M:35 W:33 M: 5 yrs. Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10 D Final: 8/7/12
The guys are dead on. Consult a L so that you know your rights. I guarantee you will feel better with the knowledge. Consultation doesn't mean filing.
You do not have to share the info or the fact that you even consulted an attorney with your W. In fact, share it with no one, that way you can be assured your W doesn't find out until if/when you want her to know.
I made an appt to meet with a L. I didn't ever plan on telling anyone unless it was necessary so that advice offered was one I was planning on anyway.
I feel like I just got pounded by a ton of bricks. I just saw my boys for the first time since Sunday. My W told the kids last night, showed them her new home. I'll know more tomorrow when the kids and I have more time to talk about it, but as my W put it to them - it was a mutual agreement between us.
My S12 asked who's idea it was and as careful as I've been trying to be for the past two years, I told him not mine. I made sure to tell him that the reason we're telling them it was a mutual decision was because I know it's what my W wants and I'm not going to fight her about it. I told them they didn't do anything wrong, their both great kids and I loved them very much. I told them I'd be here for them always, that this is the last time they will see me crying about this. That what we do from here on out will be ours to share in together and we're going to make an adventure out of it together.
I've held back tears when my only aunt passed away a little over a month ago because my school and work schedule refused to give me time. Buckling S6 seat belt and hugging S12 goodbye is too dang much and I want so bad to keep crying as I'm writing here, but I feel like i can't because I have so much to do. I have school work I have to focus on in order to meet this weeks deadline and I have a hockey game tonight and i don't even feel like playing.
I feel like because I don't want people to see me sad, that I can't see myself sad. I love my son's so much. I hate seeing them cry like this. They are staying with my W tonight, but I have a feeling she hasn't told them yet she was going out tonight with friends so their sleepover at the friends house is nothing more than a glorified babysitting session. The kids need their mother and she's going out. UN-FLIPPING-REAL! She won't even see them for more than an hour after they just had their hearts torn to sheds a second time in under 24 hours! <venting>
I'm concerned I'm going to be asked by S12 about the OM/EA, but I still don't think it's a safe place to venture. He's at the age where what I say will be taken to heart, as he understands it, and gets thrown at his mom.
I don't know where I've been for the past year, but I have to get back to it. I need to get back to my inner peace and harmony, if not for me, then for my boys.
