My wife seems to want to keep score....how many years who did what, how great she was for 10 years and how I sucked until the last year. Though we don't talk about it a lot, it is a recurring theme in the serious discussions we have about change. My only problem with those discussions is 1) it's used to deflect the main issue we're discussing, 2) the past doesn't rule the future and 3) she accepts zero responsibility.
To a point, she's right....she was an awesome wife for a long time and I just didn't know how to function as a loving husband. I thought I was doing the right things at the time, but I was too broken inside to actually give myself to her, and I wasn't even aware. When she finally gave up trying to make me happy (which I continually tell her today is not really possible...I didn't know how to be happy before, with or without her), she started trying to make herself happy thru work and friends. Eventually, that turned into EAs and even as current, more of a "screw you, I'm doing what I want" type of behavior.
While I would love for my wife to revert back to the woman who thought I was her everything, I'm not really asking her for that right now. I know this takes a lot of time and I'm willing to stick it out, but I have started to try to set some ground rules. I feel like if she says she'll be home at 6, it's not acceptable to roll in at 10pm, half crocked, at least not without a phone call. We really never had a discussion about proper marrital boundaries, so what I consider "normal" may really not be the same as her "normal".
Sometimes I think if I was doing some of the things she was doing that maybe she'd go "damn this [censored]" and pick up on it, but I don't because 1) I don't think she'd really see it...it'd just justify her behavior in her own mind (if he's doing it, it should be fine for me) and 2) I worry about the possibility of slipping up, should someone actually be nice to me and I've got enough to deal with.
I'll leave today with a question....has anyone else her tried to set up some boundaries for a healthy marriage? I don't mean "while we're separated we both agree to these things" but rather, "these are things we both agree not to do because we love each other and they could be unhealthy for our marriage."
