So I really wish I had instituted my own 24 hour rule today. One of my mini goals or hopes was that he would initiate contact something he has done once since I went dim. Last night he liked something of mine on FB and today he sent a text.
The text was thoughtful but it also got under my skin. This weekend I had a pretty big moment in my career. He sent a text to say that he hoped I was enjoying myself and that I should be really proud of myself that 11 year old me would be.
I replied and said thanks it was sweet of you to think of me. I am enjoying myself. Got a bit emotional last night [about the achievement] and yes I am proud.
It got under my skin because he didn't say he was proud of me or that he was happy for me and why does he think I need him to tell me I should be proud of myself GRR and in a small way I'm upset that I let him in to my emotions. He didn't reply after that.
But then again this could be a 180 for me. In the past he's always been really supportive vocally of my career (even when I was doing better than him) and I didn't always acknowledge that...I grew to take it for granted. Even after we split he was the first person I told when I got a promotion, because I knew he always believed in me.
Anyway, maybe it's a 180 that I acknowledge his support and continue to show him that I am kind/thoughtful/thankful rather than pushy selfish etc it would have been more the old me to ignore and reply much later when I wasn't basking in my old glory.
Oh I don't know. And does it mean anything that it's the first time he's initiated contact on a WEEKEND in ages (minus that time he was coming over while helping GF move. Lately he only texts me when he's at work or if he's coming over to visit)
It's a hard line to walk. To want to be in his life on his terms and hold onto my own self esteem. To be honest that text threw me off I was thinking about him all day instead of focusing on my job. I was distracted and emotional.
I spent part of today feeling a bit sorry for myself. Seeing happy families, couples and wanting that so bad. Feeling torn in not liking who he is and yet thinking I shouldn't give up.
Part of me wonders if I'm in this because I really love him or because I think it's the right thing to do.
My mind plays tricks on me and I think that he's moved on and I should just accept he doesn't want me to thinking he's not good enough for me. I swing between feeling at the bottom of the barrel to the top...and neither of those are probably true emotions.
I go back to my crystal ball I want to be his friend and I'm not ready to date. It's hard and it hurts. The right thing is not the easiest thing. And I know the easy thing won't solve things but sometimes I feel like I want it anyway.
