I alwYs thought I needed a man to 'save' me to protect me to support me. Therefore I became needy.
That thought process meant I was always trying to PLEASE yet because I was holding so much in I was being passive aggressive.
What wonderful insight. I felt the same. I think it is easy to do so. There is an existential aloneness to our lives that can be scary. I think that finding a way to cope with that reality is where real freedom comes. That is where I hope to grow.
Some people never realize these things.. They avoid, deny, hide, pretend... I hope that you can be proud of yourself for how you are growing.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
verab754! LOL! great! Actually, I switched his ring tone to the dog's bark!
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
NG-thank you for that. It has given me a lot to think about. I agree that facing the fear of that aloneness woould feel like freedom. Freedom to to really live.
I think I have been holdiong on to that fear for a very long time. From childhood really. And as I mentioned in an earlier post, i definetly brought it into my M. So afraid to be left again (my dad left us). So afraid to have to feel the pain and lonliness and unworthiness again.
A few days ago I couyld almost see myself stepping back into that. Place I almost did it willingly--almost like a choice.
Something in my heart was saying to just do it. go back into the place that got you here..the fear, the sadness, the depression. It was almost so easy ----because it wasd familiar and a place i know VERY well; a place where I feel unloved, and left behind.
But I didnt go there. I have a choice. And i will not go there anymore. This is going to be the HARDEST thing i do. Because it was my ULTIMATE FEAR. But I faced it. I am not great for it but I will be.
I did it though. He IS having an affair. He HAS left me, he DID say he does not love me.
And I am still here. And a part from him I like my life. I love my kids, I love my friends. Yes there is more I can do. And I will.
I see H for the first time in over two months next week. And my goal is for him to see who I have become, for the first time ever. He said he always knew me...that I would never change.
He never knew the strength....
I want to rise above this.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Journaling-The hardest thing is battling this fear. Fear that I dont know whats going on. That maybe I am still being naieve.
So i try to prepare myself for the worst. And then I think i am prepared but i feel like i have lost so much trust in him, that he is so not the man i married, not my best friend anymore, that there is no reason for him not to hurt me more.
Deep down I actually feel like he really just doesnt care. That I am so off his radar, so dismissed. So replaced. Why would he ever want to go back to me again? He passed his judgement on me and found OW which I am sure just confirms to him how 'right' he was....that I am not worth it. I know that is not DB.
Just journaling. Feeling a little lowly. Scared that its all TOO LATE. But I didnt know about DB a year ago. Now I do.
Maybe this is really the last effort to say I have tried everything,
Do you ever feel like by being dark that you are not doing enough?
I am afraid I might do the techniques wrong and mess things up again.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Do you ever feel like by being dark that you are not doing enough?
Yes, all the time. But the funny thing is, it is what helps the most in the most ridiculous way. For someone to share 14 years of their life with you and to honestly walk away from it all without feeling a thing is very, very unlikely. OW is a bandaid to help ease the pain. I can see how if our spouses can see us moving on, the pain will be heightened and they will start to really see the affects of their actions.
When you're around H and you're feeling good about yourself, it will show. He'll notice. Treat him like a friend, not a H. You can do it.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
Hang in there. I feel "dismissed" by H as well. But after seeing photos of OW it just confirms that she is a band-aid. She's got nothing on me. Absolutely nothing. She doesn't have the "good" H. She's got the creep and she can have him. He will leave her high and dry once he is done with her.
It takes a while to get to this point. I know exactly how you feel. Just do what makes you happy. Rediscover the awesome person you are. Find that spark. H will notice. He might not say so, but he will notice.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
I have read your thread in its entirety. You have a really good grasp on DB'ing. You really do. Stay the course. It takes a lot of time and patience.
The common theme that I gather from reading your thread is FEAR.
I saved a post from Cat04 to Denver_2010 awhile back regarding fear. I think it is great food for thought.
Originally Posted By: Cat04
Originally Posted By: Denver_2010
I've identified a couple of issues that I am trying to address specifically. Control and Fear (which I believe is an outgrowth from my control issues).
Denver,
I want to suggest, your control issues stem from fear first.
Then additional fears result when you feel like you are not in control.
I heard somewhere once that "fear is the root of all evil".
While I can't remember where and that drives me nuts...
I do believe that it is true.
Fear leads to anger...
Fear leads to sadness...
Fear leads to regret...
Fear leads to extreme cautiousness...
Fear leads to bad behavior...
Fear leads to attempting to control situations so you don't feel the fear...
Fear will hold us back from our biggest dreams...
And so on...
Think about it.
Cat04
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Busting, I continue to follow your great journey. Yes, going dark may not seem like enough, but when it is the right tactic it is the only tactic. I wish I had your strength and perseverance, you are doing great. As jks said, make them feel the pain by being so brilliant that they will wonder how they can win you back.
M 53, W 48 T 25, M 18 S 15, D 11 "I'me done!" 6/13/2010 Exit started 8/21/2011 ILYBNILWY W consults with L 9/2011, no papers filed Separated 1/16/2012
Thank you (( )). Reading your posts actually brought tears to my eyes... The amount of support understanding is almost overwhelming.
Jks, WH-- understand the OW being the band aid, in fact in my pre DBing days I used to try and 'rationalize' with my H that exact point. That he was not addressing any real issues, etc etc blah blah. So even though he doesn't see it or believe it right now- it doesn't mean it's not true.
And yes she can have is version of him. A man that can give up on me is not a man I want. I am trying to rediscover who I am and who I want to be. There is a lot of layers to dig through.
I've made mistakes along the way. Was flattered by the attention of a male friend, but I don't want to go down that path-- its not me and I am really not interested and then I will just be a person I would not respect.
It's about clearing my head from almost anything emotional right now. Being pragmatic, sensible and not exposing myself -especially since I am not yet sure what' myself' is.
LITB-- thank you for your words of encouragement on my DBing and support.
FEAR...yes it does seem to be my Everest. To conquer fear it is said, is to face it. Maybe once I actually SEE H the conquering can begin? It's almost like a leap of faith... To believe, and then to step into the unknown.
I know I love my H unconditionally. I realised that over the past two years when I really sat down with myself and had to make a decision about what I wanted to do...fight for the M and my family, or just accept this craziness even though it felt so wrong.
Now I know. I can love him unconditionally no matter what. Whether I DB the M or not. Because our paths have separated right now. So I need to focus on my journey. And leave him to his. If they crosss again it will be for the right reasons and for a smoother path we walk together.
But not to worry about that now. Focus on my path. My journey. And how I choose to handle what it gives me and what I give back.
LITB--- I don't know if you are a star wars fan ( I admit I am)...fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, .......fear leads us to the dark side. I don't want to be there.
Thank you for so much love you all.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
