One step closer to the edge and I'm about to break

[labug]

Labug...I TOTALLY appreciate my wife's side... what I don't appreciate is that she internalized and "faked" it for years while never letting me know we were in trouble... I know in my HEART that this can be fixed but at this point, she refuses to talk to me about us... she is very friendly, talks about the kids, laughs and jokes, but no talk about us... that's what's driving me crazy

My situation is very similar. But I don't think my H was intentionally faking it, I think he was doing the best he could with the tools he had available. Just as I was doing.

We just didn't have very good tools, ineffective stuff we learned as children.

I would bet you thought you were giving her the best you had to offer during that time. But in retrospect, now that you are about to lose it all, you can see that it wasn't your best.

she internalizes and won't communicate when she is hurting, and I was blind to her pain... I see now that we never dealt with that pain and it's been gnawing at her for years... how do we fix it now that she doesn't want to be in this relationship/marriage..?

Stop worrying so much about her pain and her coping mechanisms, while it's sometimes good to understand them, those things are hers to deal with.

You can't fix her. Many people here are fixers, in helping professions, we want to fix others because we can, that's what we do. But fixing is just another form of control.

Unless she asks you to fix her, don't.

had a very good call with my kids last night and although I knew that they moved, I didn't ask her about that at all.. in fact by the end of the phone conversation, she was asking me about MY day and wanting details of what I was doing today... I answered each question in good spirits, but never asked her about HER... hope I'm doing this right...

I think the thing to do is keep personal communication to a minimum and try to end the conversation first. Have no expectation about any interaction and don't try to mindread what each word means.

Detach-really study what that word means in this context. Google it, you'll find lots of info. It's a key to this process.

... she asked me to make changes personally, and she was hoping that those changes would change how she felt about me... they didn't...

What changes? Did you make them?

I know that I need to change how we interact...

What is your demeanor like when you are angry? Do you raise your voice? Do things always have to be your way? Do you give orders instead of asking for help or cooperation? Really think about this before you answer.

People in professions like yours do things a certain way every time because it works, it's efficient, it saves lives. And if you're in a command position, that persona is sometimes brought home and you don't even realize it.

It's great in a work situation but in personal R, not so good.

Could that be you?

the problem is, I have no idea if this will work, because my wife has given me very little to work with... I hope and pray every day that God will soften her heart..

I know this is a slow process and I won't give up... I'll keep fighting/praying/believing that this can be fixed... she just needs time to sort things out... just hope it happens...

This is not a 12-Step but "It works if you work it." Make some small goals (chapter 3 in DR). Write them down, look at them everyday.

You want God to soften her heart; you need to work on you, let the condition of her heart be between her and God. (See how that fixer/controller thing sneaks in?)

she just needs time to sort things outDo you see how this sounds paternalistic? Like you know what's best for her? Right now you're best served by respecting her decision and her choices and not projecting that she just needs time to sort things out.

This is the toughest work you will ever do in your life. And there are absolutely no guarantees that your marriage will be saved. By the time people get here, it's way late in the game.

But if you dig deep, own your stuff and work from a beginner's mind, you will become a better man, a better dad and a better partner.